George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

George Carlin's New Rules for 2006:

01. Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

02. Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

03. Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

04. Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

05. If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope.
If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

06. Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.

07. There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

08. Stop f***ing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

09. The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

10. I'm not the cashier!
By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

11. Competitive eating isn't a sport.
It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

12. I don't need a bigger mega M&M.
If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

13. If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

14. No more gift registries.
You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

15. No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

16. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

#1, 4, 9 are my favorites.

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

Gotta love George!!!!!

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

I love Carlin

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

George rocks

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

I love George

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

#10 is my fav. I love George Carlin!

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

He is one of my fav comedians! Thanks for posting this!

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

love them!!!

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

#9 is defiintely my favorite!

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

I just read that whole thing out loud to DH - that was great!

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

ok, i was sitting here laughing outloud, those are really funny!! LOLOLOLOL

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

#16
I absolutely do this and after I say "he's 22 months" I get the look that says "thanks for making me calculate that jerk"

Message edited 3/24/2006 9:04:42 PM.

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

Message edited 3/24/2006 9:04:23 PM.

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

These are ALL hysterical!

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

Love George Carlin! Thanks for posting this

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

Love em!

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

I really love #16... When I was 7 and my brother was a baby, they used to always say how many months he was... and i got all confused as to why they didn't say that about me... so i figured it out and started going around saying things like "I'm 87 months"

Re: George Carlin's New Rules for 2006