George Carlin's New Rules of 2006

the last one is great!

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES 2006
>
>
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
> people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
> like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
> the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
>
> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
> a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
> all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
> Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
> did you expect it to contain? Trout?
>
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
> with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
> damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
> lucky bastards.
>
> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
> baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the
> cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
> man , they're pictures of men.
>
> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
> how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
> of them? Okay, we're done.
>
> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
> There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
> water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
> flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
> flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
> melt. That's your flavored water.
>
> New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
> introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
> with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
> And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
> his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
> Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
>
> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
> the bigger the *** hole. If you walk into a Starbucks
> and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
> vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
> dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
> NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *** hole.
>
> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
> from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing
> "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't
> want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
> who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
> eating my Almond Joy.
>
> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
> characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
> right above the crack of your ***. And it translates
> to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
> anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
> weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
> high.
>
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
> of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the
> US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
> athletes at the poker table was just too damned
> exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
> They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
> Stern Show."
>
> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra
> hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
> based on crappy, old television shows, then you have
> to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
> see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
> remember the reason something was a television show in
> the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to
> be a movie.
>
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
> to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
> homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
> stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
> isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of
> looting
>

Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006

I love this man! I'm convinced he should run for president These are awesome - thanks for sharing!

Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006

The man is brilliant!!

Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006

these are the best! I love that guy!

Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
> the bigger the *** hole. If you walk into a Starbucks
> and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
> vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
> dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
> NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *** hole.

So true. This is why I only order Black Green Tea when at Starbucks

Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006

God, I love George!!!!!

Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006

I LOVE George Carlin

Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006

I can read this over and over again and it just gets funnier.

Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006

Hilarious

Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006

Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006

DH will LOVE this one:

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006

SOO funny
I was cracking up at my desk.
So much so that three seperate people came over to check on me.

Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006

LOVE ALL of them!

Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006