Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

I know this may not be the right board but it gets more traffic, so here I am.

My DH has an uncle who is older and lives alone. He has one son who is close by but he's an alcoholic and not much help.

Uncle Johnny suffers from Alzheimer's or just old age senility (we don't know and his son was not much help when we finally did get him on his cell phone). His wife died 18 years ago, but tongiht he called the police because his wife and son have been out and missing since this morning (he just doesn't remember his wife died 18 years ago and his son doesn't even live at home...).

When we got his son on the phone he told him that "Mom died 18 yrs ago" and Uncle Johnny said back to him "Why didnt you tell me 18 years ago?" and then he put the phone down and told us and said "I went to the funeral but I don't remember" It was heartbreaking.

My DH and I are close by and will be stopping in to check on him a couple of times a week, but it's not enough and we have enough on our plate right now that we can't be his only contact with the outside world.

He's in good health otherwise, except for the memory. The house is extremely clean and neat (he has always been anal about cleaning the house). He sounds great, we stayed and chatted with him for almost an hour and then he showed us out, walked us to the door and waved to us as we drove away.

What can we do for him?? He's a sweet man, not violent or nasty at all. BUt he needs help - at least a companion and someone to stop in and check on him or something. Does anyone know what options we have? What can we do?

I'm sorry this is so long I just don't know what to do. Thanks girls.

Message edited 4/19/2006 8:42:36 PM.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

Maybe put an ad in the pennysaver for a companion for a few hours a day, just to watch over him and keep him company, run some errands, go on walks with him. Or a home health aide that can come in a few hours a day. Its so sad when older people start losing their memory, its more painful for us to watch than anything.

Message edited 4/19/2006 8:44:32 PM.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

I think what you are planning, stopping by a couple of times a week, is as much as you can do without committing financially or more timewise. I may also try to get him involved in some more social activities. Look into the library or church events....I would take him a couple of times and maybe he'll make friends. I think there is a senior center that will also provide transportation.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

Posted by Mrs-Boop

Maybe put an ad in the pennysaver for a companion for a few hours a day, just to watch over him and keep him company, run some errands, go on walks with him. Or a home health aide that can come in a few hours a day. Its so sad when older people start losing their memory, its more painful for us to watch than anything.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

You can also check with the local church, sometimes they have programs that assist. Another place to try is Retired Senior Volunteer Providers 979-9490, I know they used to have volunteers that make daily calls and weekly visits to seniors. If that doesn't work out you could try the Office of the Aging, they'll definitely have referrals for you.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

The first thing I would do is talk to his son & ask him if he wants you to handle this or will he because you think that his father can no longer live on his own. Your uncle should go to a doctor to evaluate his condition. I know there is a prescription that is supposed to stave off the onset of Alzheimers.

My grandmother has Alzheimer's & it is heartbreaking. My dad consulted with an elder care attorney regarding her estate (which is why someone needs to take control of the situation) and was able to put the house in a life estate. We knew she was forgetful & sometimes confused, but didn't realize the extent of it until she was found driving southbound in the northbound lane on the Sunken Meadow Parkway. We took her keys & car away immediately. At first we had her going to an "elder care" facility during the day, but in the end felt she could not live alone. She would leave her house & then get confused. My parents were resigned to bringing her to live with them as they always planned. The woman at the day program told my father absolutely not. That if he really thought it would be ok, he needed to see what it was going to be like. Move her in & live with her every day for one week. That was the final decision. They couldn watch her 24/7 because my Grandma would wander in the middle of the night.

If he has enough assets & social security, you can get him into an assisted living facility. My grandmother was at a place in East Northport for awhile. My parents just moved her to a more secure facility that they liked a lot better in Patchogue. The Patchogue place has them doing tasks that are supposed to help Alzheimer patients.

If you need the name of the elder care attorney or the name of the facilities my grandmother was in, FM me.




eta. If he is a Veteran, he may be able to get services through the Northport VA hosptial. I know they have a listing on the information for "Elder Day Services" but I never inquired about it.

Message edited 4/19/2006 9:35:20 PM.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

Gosh that is so very sad. I dont have much advice except what the other ladies have said about either getting him involved in some activities.. does he swim? maybe he can join a Y?
Also to maybe get someone to keep him company a couple times a week or even once a week. I dont know how much this would cost though..
I personally think getting him OUT of the house and involved in things would be best for him.
Good luck

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

You just described what my grandfather was like last year. It is hard to watch someone get older and senile. My grandfather missed my wedding because he refused the limo I offered and instead drove himself and got "lost" for over four hours in Westbury. We had the Nassau/Queens/Westchester & Fairfield, CT police & hospitals looking for him, he ended up driving home to Stamford, CT because he couldn't find his way (even asking directions) and home was the only thing he knew how to do.

I would strongly urge you to seek help (DH's parents? Other nieces/nephews?) in intervening. He can seriously hurt himself or someone else if he forgets. In addition, he may miss important signs in his changing health - forgetting to eat, leaving the stove on, forgetting important medicine, driving and forgetting how, so many things ... My grandfather had multiple strokes over a period of 6-days - a nice neighbor had checked on him a few times, but my grandfather had been rude to her and even yelled to "leave him alone, he was fine" and the neighbor not knowing how to react left it at that (which should have been a sign since he was always a gentle caring man). Not until a few days of observation did she make the tough decision to call us and call 911. He's now basically a vegetable.

We tried for ages to get him into a senior community, just so he would have some sort of observation, but he was stubborn. No one lives in CT near him. I wish we could have convinced him. A mini-stroke, he would have been OK, but the multiple strokes left him unable to function.

I wish you luck, your DH's uncle is lucky to have someone so caring

Message edited 4/19/2006 9:00:54 PM.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

Maybe there's a Sr. Center nearby that has daily activities?? Try placing an ad in the church bulletins looking for a companion for an elderly person. Also try social services agencies for referrals.

Good luck!! You and DH are doing a wonderful thing!!!

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

Oh wow, I really wish I had some advice to help you out. I think it is great that you are planning to stop by when you can even with all you have going on.
I truly hope he is okay

Message edited 4/19/2006 9:49:16 PM.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

what insurance does he have? You may be able to arrange for him to have a home helath aide a few hours a day covered by insurance.

I agree you should have him see a geriatric psychiatrist. They can do a dementia work-up and there is some medication that will slow the progression of the illness.

There are also people known as geriatric case managers that for a fee (of course) will help him get connected to all of the services he needs. I have someones # at work if you are interested.

There are day programs also for people with mild cases of dementia. Staying active and as independent as possible is helpful. But one of the things you see often is that they might forget to do things like turn off the stove (and that becomes the biggest problem).

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

Kathy there was an article in Newsday, Act 2, a few weeks ago, about older people who are letting out a room in the house to someone who can't afford to rent, and in turn is there to help them out. It is all through a placement agency so everyone is screened and checked out thoroughly beforehand. I can try to find the article if you are interested....? It sounded like a great idea when I read it.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

Mt grandfather suffered for years with Alzheimer's and it is a terrible and heartbreaking thing to witness. It sounds as if it is at the beginning. You said that he was not violent or moody or a risk to himself or others which is a good thing. Many Alzheimer's patients do get violent and moody, as the disease progresses. We all thought that my grandfather was okay to be home too until the day he went to the bathroom he was gone for like 5 minutes and my mother went to check on him and the front door was wide open...... houres later the cops found him miles away with no clue as to where he was or how he ended up there. It was such a scary experience. From that day on he lived in a nursing home(which bothered all of us believe me) but the truth of it is that we couldn't be there 24/7 for him the way he needed someone to be there. Many go out to you and your DH.
Since what your describing doesn't seem to be of that extent as of yet, maybe call your church they sometimes have people who volunteer to go out to the elderly to be "company" for them. I know my Grandmother had one that came over a few times a week. Other than that place ads for a companion for him in local pennysavers, etc. I wish you the best of luck and lots of patience because he needs you now more than ever. If you ever have any questions please feel free to FM me.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

he need a HHA or a live in companion to help him with the stuff he cant remember. he shouldnt be alone

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

Posted by Mrs-Boop

Maybe put an ad in the pennysaver for a companion for a few hours a day, just to watch over him and keep him company, run some errands, go on walks with him. Or a home health aide that can come in a few hours a day. Its so sad when older people start losing their memory, its more painful for us to watch than anything.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

Posted by lullabella

Posted by Mrs-Boop

Maybe put an ad in the pennysaver for a companion for a few hours a day, just to watch over him and keep him company, run some errands, go on walks with him. Or a home health aide that can come in a few hours a day. Its so sad when older people start losing their memory, its more painful for us to watch than anything.

Just becareful who you hire, make sure you do background checks (including criminal) there are too many people out there that take advantage of elderly people.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

After having my grandmother live with us for 8 years, I understand what you mean. We had a healthcare aid come in to "watch her" during the day but she was nasty to the poor woman. Even with that the aide (Monique) stayed and took care of my grandmother. She was a godsend and even had her at my wedding with her whole immediate family.

This was truly a blessing. Eventually Nanny needed to be in a health related facility and she was on medicaid. The facility was in Long Beach and I think there are quite a few of those facilites in LB. You don't need the money to get into one of these places. A doctor needs to make the recommendation. There are agencies that specialize in home health care aides that come into the home for a shift..say 8-4 or 4-12..or live in..

The first step is to discuss this with his son. You will not be able to take this on yourselves. You don't have the time, expertise or resources.

There are good places out there that handle this specifically.

I think you are caring and wonderful human being for doing what you are doing.

Good luck with the situation.

We know, we tried for many years to keep Nanny at home and it was a big strain.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

Posted by nrthshgrl

Posted by lullabella

Posted by Mrs-Boop

Maybe put an ad in the pennysaver for a companion for a few hours a day, just to watch over him and keep him company, run some errands, go on walks with him. Or a home health aide that can come in a few hours a day. Its so sad when older people start losing their memory, its more painful for us to watch than anything.

Just becareful who you hire, make sure you do background checks (including criminal) there are too many people out there that take advantage of elderly people.

If you do have someone living with him, someone who is trusted (DH's relatives, probably not the son) should go for conservatorship and power of attorney over his estate. I had a great uncle who sold his 3 story brownstone to his accountant's daughter for $35K. There are tons of people who unscrupulous.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

Girls,

Thank you so much for all your suggestions!! I'm going to print this post out and talk to DH about it.

We're meeting with Uncle Johnny's son this weekend to discuss options.

His son doesn't have a clue really, he wants DH to help him "convince" Uncle Johnny that he needs help. You can't convince someone in his state that he needs help.

Last night we asked him if he would like someone to come stay with him and help and he said "No, if I need a nurse I'll know and I'll let you know", so sad because he clearly DOES need someone but can't recognize it himself.

Anyway, we're going to meet with his son this weekend and see how involved we're going to get in this and at least give his son different options of care for his Dad. We're worried though that the son isn't doing anything because he is looking to get more money when his Dad passes away and if we have to hire home care or something similar, he won't get as much money.

Thank you again for all the posts! I REALLY appreciate them - DH too!

Kathy

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

Maybe the son will be convinced if a doctor tells him how progressively worse it will get and how dangerous it could be if he stays alone?

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

My Grandfather has Altzhiemers. My mother got him into an over 55 community...in which his sister lives 2 doors down. They help each other alot. My grandfather sometimes forgets that my grandmother passed away in November...and there are other times that his memory is clear as a bell.

My grandfather did tell me that he feels he does better when my 20 month old son visits him...he says that his whole day is good when he sees him, even if its just for a few hours.

My mom watches my son while I work...so she takes the baby over there a few times a week...and we can all honestly say that my little guy seems to help keep his memory in tact.

We think that its simply human contact that helps him...and since my son is just a baby he doesn't argue or remind my grandfather that he can't remember everything...my grandfather seems to repspond very well to James.

So my advice is positve, friendly human contact. There are also some programs in Suffolk in which a bus picks up the Altzheimer's patient for group activities. Maybe something like that would give him sonthing to do and keep in a familiar routine once or twice a week.

Re: Need Advice Re: Older Family Member - a little long but please help if you can

One thing the son may need to realize is that if he does nothing, I believe the state can step in (once you've called them of course ). The state can appoint someone a guardian (who gets paid out of the estate). If he doesn't do estate planning now, very little will be left before the government will pick up the tab. Not to mention that anyone who "helps" his father because he's not, can easily persuade someone with Alzheimers to sign a will, etc. Not legally, but with no medical documentation that he has Alzheimer's, he'd be in civil court for a long time.

I would also use the fact that the police were called to set everything in motion.

Here's another good resource:
NYS - Office of the Aging