Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

Joseph, my 4 year old, was in tears right before bed time. He told me that Nicholas H (his friend at daycare) told him that his dad was very very strong & could lift up a house, that he was a very very bad man who would kill Joseph's sister.

How should I handle this? I want to mention to the teacher that Joseph said - also he came home saying the "N" word - a word that isnt used in our house EVER.

My husband is furious that I would even consider talking to his teacher & that he will handle it. He said to Joseph that as long as he's around no one is going to touch Maddie, Joseph or Mommy. First - I don't think that statement is a good one to make. Does that mean when you aren't around they will? Second - and really, as horrific as the idea of someone doing anything to my child is - it's not something I think should be promised so that they don't have to not worry about strangers, etc.

Then for good measure, DH (which doesn't mean Dear Husband at this point) tells Joseph that he will beat up Nicholas' dad if he tries to do anything. I chime in with - "I don't think Nicholas's dad will do that. No one I know has ever lifted a house without a machine. I think Nicholas was making up stories. "

Joseph calmed down a bit & went to bed. We've been arguing about this ever since. He thinks I'm going to make Joseph into a wimpy kid by calling his teacher. Thoughts?

Message edited 12/29/2005 9:53:37 PM.

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

What a terrible day for Joseph! One of my co workers son went through this at school. She told the teacher, who talked to the prinicpal, and they had both kids and their parents sit down and talk. His parents were shocked by the threats (they involved knifes) and asked him to think how he'd feel if someone said that to him. The boys arent' friends, but he doesn't threaten him anymore either.

Don't know that your DH would like that option, but I think maybe the kid needs to understand there are ramifications for saying scary things to others.

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

I most definitely would address this with the teacher. Your son is being bullied/harrassed AT school. The teacher should be made aware so that she can nip any future occurances in the bud. At the least, keep the children separated (if they sit near each other, etc.).

A four year old is not going to try and reason with another four year old on his own terms. I definitely think adult intervention should occur. I think you are setting the correct example (not DH, sorry ) by showing your son that he will be protected by Mom and Dad by any means necessary.

Good luck!

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

I am not a teacher but take it from someone who was abused physically, mentally and emotionally by the kids when I went to school, talking to his teacher is a no-no. My mother used to do that, and whatever situation I was in became 10 times worse. You look like a real wimp when mommy goes to talk to the teacher.

I'm not agreeing with how your husband handled it, some of those things should not be said, but if you're going to do anything, I would call the teacher privately, under the condition that she doesn't let any of the 2 kids know that a conversation took place. Tell her what happened and tell her to keep an eye on it. Then if she does reprimand the other kid, it won't appear to be because you went and said anything

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

The kids are only 4 - so I think it's more or a my dad is bigger than your dad thing...which I've explained that in the end, it's who is smarter who counts...but I digress....would you talk to the teacher?

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

I would absolutely let the teacher know. This is bullying and threats. I understand that the kids are four years old and even if the other student is just saying it as joking around, he needs to understand that there are things that you don't joke about.

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

Posted by sarahsmommy

Posted by CaptainCharisma424

I am not a teacher but take it from someone who was abused physically, mentally and emotionally by the kids when I went to school, talking to his teacher is a no-no. My mother used to do that, and whatever situation I was in became 10 times worse. You look like a real wimp when mommy goes to talk to the teacher.

I'm not agreeing with how your husband handled it, some of those things should not be said, but if you're going to do anything, I would call the teacher privately, under the condition that she doesn't let any of the 2 kids know that a conversation took place. Tell her what happened and tell her to keep an eye on it. Then if she does reprimand the other kid, it won't appear to be because you went and said anything

Just curious, do you think that 4 year olds would act that way? (My daughter's no where near school age so I have no idea what it's like now.) It's so sad how young all this starts now adays.

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

Don, I'm sorry you went through that as a child. I think most of us can relate stories at one time or another about being picked on or teased

But I think that your story just proves why something should be said. Kids need to learn as early as possible that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

Posted by mrswask

Don, I'm sorry you went through that as a child. I think most of us can relate stories at one time or another about being picked on or teased

But I think that your story just proves why something should be said. Kids need to learn as early as possible that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

I would definitely talk to his teacher so that she is aware of the situation and can keep an eye out. If she's not already aware of the situation I'm sure she can indirectly address the situation with this child. Obviously, she's not going to say Joseph's mom said... I wouldn't worry about other kids thinking he's a wimp. It's not like the kids are even going to know that you had a conversation with the teacher. I used to work in a preschool and there were children who had issues that needed to be closely monitored. If the teacher is not already aware of this child's behavior, she needs to be.

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

Posted by CaptainCharisma424

Posted by mrswask

Don, I'm sorry you went through that as a child. I think most of us can relate stories at one time or another about being picked on or teased

But I think that your story just proves why something should be said. Kids need to learn as early as possible that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.

i agree 100%

i'm not saying a conversation SHOULDN'T take place between mother and teacher -- it should

what i'm saying is that once the conversation happens, the teacher shouldn't go back to Nicholas and say "Joseph's mommy told me what you said to Joseph..."

the teacher should just be clued in to what is going on so if it happens again, she can initiate the reprimand on her own.

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

Posted by mrswask

Posted by CaptainCharisma424

Posted by mrswask

Don, I'm sorry you went through that as a child. I think most of us can relate stories at one time or another about being picked on or teased

But I think that your story just proves why something should be said. Kids need to learn as early as possible that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.

i agree 100%

i'm not saying a conversation SHOULDN'T take place between mother and teacher -- it should

what i'm saying is that once the conversation happens, the teacher shouldn't go back to Nicholas and say "Joseph's mommy told me what you said to Joseph..."

the teacher should just be clued in to what is going on so if it happens again, she can initiate the reprimand on her own.

I completely agree. If the teacher is an effective one, she won't single the boy out. She'll just keep a closer eye on things, playtime, etc. Also, she can always have general conversations with the class about
respect, bullying, all of that.

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

Posted by mrswask

Posted by CaptainCharisma424

Posted by mrswask

Don, I'm sorry you went through that as a child. I think most of us can relate stories at one time or another about being picked on or teased

But I think that your story just proves why something should be said. Kids need to learn as early as possible that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.

i agree 100%

i'm not saying a conversation SHOULDN'T take place between mother and teacher -- it should

what i'm saying is that once the conversation happens, the teacher shouldn't go back to Nicholas and say "Joseph's mommy told me what you said to Joseph..."

the teacher should just be clued in to what is going on so if it happens again, she can initiate the reprimand on her own.

I completely agree. If the teacher is an effective one, she won't single the boy out. She'll just keep a closer eye on things, playtime, etc. Also, she can always have general conversations with the class about respect, bullying, all of that.

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

Posted by ambersmom

I most definitely would address this with the teacher. Your son is being bullied/harrassed AT school. The teacher should be made aware so that she can nip any future occurances in the bud. At the least, keep the children separated (if they sit near each other, etc.).

A four year old is not going to try and reason with another four year old on his own terms. I definitely think adult intervention should occur. I think you are setting the correct example (not DH, sorry ) by showing your son that he will be protected by Mom and Dad by any means necessary.

Good luck!

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

OK....

First off...although what your husband said to Joseph may not have been 100% correct...its what he needed to hear to make him feel better...
Its an instant fix for him... When you go to the teacher, or talk to the parents (which is exactly what you should do)...its not gonna take back what Joseph already has in his head... The only thing thats gonna make him feel better, is knowing that Daddy will beat up his daddy if he ever tries to do any kinda harm.

I ABSOLUTELY think you should talk to the teacher, as well the director and the parent....I think they (teacher and or director) should be looking into his home situation, and why a child would say this... It could be a my daddys stronger than your daddy situation...but it could also be a dangerous situation for that child... Theres never disaster without warning....and children send messages in strange ways...


I understand where Dons coming from...and that will apply when he's a little older...but for now, a four year old wont understand...

Barb- go with your gut on this one.... Dont let your DH make you feel bad for wanting to go to his teacher....for all you know...you could be saving the other childs life!

Message edited 12/29/2005 10:26:17 PM.

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

I had a small bullying situation recently that happened outside of school, however the mother called me and we spoke about it. It was completely private but mostly important for me to at least KNOW that something was going on. The crazy thing is that the bully was someone I'd LEAST expect! I am now aware and told the mother that I'd keep my eye out. I suggested that we go to the guidance counselor as well, but the last resort would be the principal. I'd ask that the teacher call you so that you can discuss this privately. A threat is a threat these days and personally, I'd rather over react than regret not reacting at all.

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

Thanks everyone for responding. I really appreciate it - especially to Don.

I'm going to talk to the teacher & just make her aware of the situation. Now to break the news to DH that in the end, his opinion on how to handle this isn't how it's going to go...

Re: Family Related - but question for the teachers (long -sorry!)

You may have already handled this, but I would tell the teacher as well. She should know that certain things are going on during her watch, so she can prevent problems with this particular student.

When I was teaching HS, I had 2 students who ganged up on another student after school. The one girl was beat up pretty badly and later one of the girls said they had talked about it in my classroom. I had no idea any of this was going on, and if I had, I would have alerted the principal and the whole thing might have been avoided. I know your son is only 4, but as other people mentioned, the teacher can keep an eye on things and watch certain students more carefully.