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anon2
LIF Zygote
Member since 4/06 2 total posts
Name:
marisa
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Pretty Sad Today... Advice please
I am a frequent poster, but I need some help from you guys-my friends. I recently moved out of the state away from LI where my family is, and thankfully met a lot of nice ladies here who have children around my daughters age (8 months).
Here is the thing. I have noticed that they do a ton of comparison on their kids... everytime I see them it is... My Emma is crawling at 5 months! My Sal is talking at 5 months, Who's eating solids better, Who's playing with what toy? A lot of the "When did you start X or Y" questions, etc... Everyone seems like they have everything so together and are so ahead of where my daughter and I are! I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong!
On a personal note, a lot of time I don't offer too much to these ladies but I feel my daughter is really tough (maybe behind) in a lot of those departments. She is refusing food--- I mean 8 months and won't swallow food on her own without being accompanied by milk in her mouth, isn't crawling, fusses a ton.
A lot of my friends have really embraced the role of mother so well-- really were born for the part- but the same is just not true of me. I can't be around my daughter all day... I have no problem leaving her with someone occasionally... There are someways I don't even have the energy to change her and she stays in her PJ's....
I love my daughter- don't get me wrong- I just felt like I would have taken to the job better and have never been behind in a job in my life like this one. Thanks for listening. Anyone else ever feel like this?
  
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Posted 4/17/06 6:12 PM  |
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stayandjohn
Our life is complete
Member since 5/05 5909 total posts
Name:
Stacey
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Re: Pretty Sad Today... Advice please
First off  to you.
Second, every baby is different, they do things at their own pace. You shouldnt feel that your not doing right. Motherhood is a hard enough job without having to hear how Ethels 7 month old daughter just finished her
thesis on acid rain and its effects on the rain forest.
Your daughter will do these things when she is ready. Motherhood changes your whole life and its such a big adjustment having to cater to every whim this little person has. So what if you dont feel like dressing her today, she will probably be more happy in her pj's anyway.
I know I love to drop my son off at my moms so I can get some ME TIME, there is nothing wrong with that. We all need it. Dont let these mom's or any of these circumstances get you down.
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| Posted 4/17/06 6:39 PM |
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-Laurie-
Hi!
Member since 5/05 2536 total posts
Name:
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Re: Pretty Sad Today... Advice please
Hey! Don't feel bad! I'm away from Family too and it ***** sometimes because you can't catch a break.
Hey sometimes Jack doesn't even get PJ's put on him and he goes to sleep in his onesie if he had one on. It's tough and I've learned to appreciate a great babysitter as well.
As long as your little ones knows you love them your doing a great job! I also had a touch of PPD or some wierd hormonal thing from my bc I took after I stopped breastfeeding and after I stopped taking them any fog I was in lifted and I feel like a new person.
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| Posted 4/17/06 6:53 PM |
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mommy2bella
Where does time go?
Member since 12/05 9747 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: Pretty Sad Today... Advice please
lots of
don't let these women let you see your baby in a different light...enjoy her!!!! Life isn't measured in milestones...
It must be hard to be away from family while trying to adjust to being a mom...just know that no matter what, you are doing the best job you can and your daughter loves you! One day you'll be telling her DH what a fussy baby she was 
we're here for you to vent whenever you need to
Message edited 4/17/2006 7:15:02 PM.
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| Posted 4/17/06 7:13 PM |
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My2Boys
Love.
Member since 10/05 4796 total posts
Name:
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Re: Pretty Sad Today... Advice please
Try not to let the "comparisons" get to you. I know it's hard, but rest assured, those same comparisons happen on Long Island, too. Your daughter is doing just fine! She'll eat solids when she's good and ready.  As long as she's gaining weight, you have nothing to worry about!
I'm sorry you're feeling sad. It sounds like you might need a little "you" time.
Message edited 4/17/2006 8:02:52 PM.
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| Posted 4/17/06 8:02 PM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
Name:
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Re: Pretty Sad Today... Advice please
Ugh...I'm so sorry you are surrounded by people like this. Nothing makes me crazier than those "comparers". Sometimes I get so annoyed with their comments I feel like just saying "Ya know what? He's in college already now f**k off!!"
Sometimes I snap back when I get frustrated because it's just not fair to compare. Each child is different. And while one may be walking and speaking in complete, gramatically correct sentences at 6 months ( ) maybe he's not developing as quickly in another area... and somehow those comparers always seem to conveniently leave that part out. And trust me, your child WILL walk, and WILL talk, and WILL eat food - when she's good and ready! When was the last time you saw a full-grown adult that couldn't walk or eat solids simply because they never reached that milestone?
You aren't doing anything wrong, and neither is your baby. And that's what makes me the most upset when people compare - they are preying on a mother's natural concern for her child, her self-doubt as a new mother, and they are making her think there is something wrong with her baby (or SHE'S doing something wrong) when that is not the case at all. And for what? To boost their own ego or for the sake of bragging?
Ugh...sorry I am a little sensitive on this topic because I had someone just do this to me today and I'm still seething over it. 
Anyway, what I want to say is that I can totally empathize with you and if I knew a better way to not let it get to you, I would tell you but I really don't. I'm still trying to figure that out myself. But please know that you are doing nothing wrong (yeah, even if she spends all day in her PJs!) My reply to the comparing is usually something along the lines of "well, I'm in no rush for him to grow up too fast, because I am enjoying him so much just the way he is right now".
So there is no need for you to feel that you "should have taken to the job better". They do things their way, and you do things your way. I wish I had more advice or was a bit more coherent but as I said today - mmm...not a good day for me with this one.
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| Posted 4/17/06 8:19 PM |
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Melbernai
I am a lucky Momma!
Member since 7/05 15652 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Pretty Sad Today... Advice please
My reply to the comparing is usually something along the lines of "well, I'm in no rush for him to grow up too fast, because I am enjoying him so much just the way he is right now".
That is such a great response!
Every baby is definately different. We have enough to worry about as it is, you shouldn't have to worry about how your child is doing compaired to everyone else's milestones!
And never feel like you have to be the "perfect" mom. It is perfectly OK for the baby to be in PJs all day and even you for that matter! We all need days to relax and I am sure you are doing the best possible for your baby.
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| Posted 4/17/06 8:27 PM |
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anon2
LIF Zygote
Member since 4/06 2 total posts
Name:
marisa
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Re: Pretty Sad Today... Advice please
Posted by BabyAvocado
My reply to the comparing is usually something along the lines of "well, I'm in no rush for him to grow up too fast, because I am enjoying him so much just the way he is right now".
LOL! I am definitely going to use this one. Thanks ladies for responding... I feel so much better. I HAVE to tell those comparers to F-OFF. I guess this will happen throughout her life and it will only get worse. I have to change my reaction to them. I can totally see them preying off our learning
curve! Ughh!!!!! 
eta: sarahsmommy is absolutely right! DIFFERENT learning curve!
Message edited 4/17/2006 9:39:51 PM.
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| Posted 4/17/06 9:30 PM |
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CathyB
Member since 5/05 19403 total posts
Name:
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Re: Pretty Sad Today... Advice please
Posted by anon2
I can totally see them preying off our slower learning curve!
It's not slower, just different. Just wait, your daughter will run circles around them in school.
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| Posted 4/17/06 9:37 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Pretty Sad Today... Advice please
People embrace motherhood in different ways. I remember my neighbor saying that she was put on this earth to be a mother, etc. She had a son who was an angel. Fast forward 3 years, he's no longer an angel. He's a terror and walks all over her. I'm sure she loves her son exponentially then when she first said it but I can tell you she's not thinking that way now. You aren't the only mom who is exhausted & lets their kid spend the day in PJs. You are the one who is admitting it.
Is it talking or really comparing? I do think there is a fine line with comparing vs. talking about your kid. Saying a kid crawled at 5 months could be a proud mom bragging (which in my book, is really ok). Saying your kid crawled at 5 months after someone just expressed concern about thier child crawling is comparing. i think the "When Did You Start..."questions are moms asking because no matter how secure we are with ourselves, our lives - we will always second guess if we're doing the right thing for our child.
As we look at Maddie now, talking & walking, etc, both DH & I say "if only they could stay little a little bit longer..." If these women want to rush their kid to the next level, let them. Your daughter has a different pace but will get there soon enough.
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| Posted 4/17/06 9:38 PM |
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justthe4ofus
I hate hypocrites!!!!!
Member since 5/05 6905 total posts
Name:
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Re: Pretty Sad Today... Advice please
I am going to warn you- I am feeling very long winded so be prepared.
Posted by anon2
Here is the thing. I have noticed that they do a ton of comparison on their kids... everytime I see them it is... My Emma is crawling at 5 months! My Sal is talking at 5 months, Who's eating solids better, Who's playing with what toy? A lot of the "When did you start X or Y" questions, etc... Everyone seems like they have everything so together and are so ahead of where my daughter and I are! I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong!
On a personal note, a lot of time I don't offer too much to these ladies but I feel my daughter is really tough (maybe behind) in a lot of those departments. She is refusing food--- I mean 8 months and won't swallow food on her own without being accompanied by milk in her mouth, isn't crawling, fusses a ton.
You are not doing ANYTHING wrong. Each child develops on their own. My daughter is turning one and BARELY eats table food. She is trying to walk but is not walking completely.I have a dear friend who has a son 4 days older and I am friends with my roommate from the hospital who has a son one day younger than my daughter. Both boys are walking, eating table food and honestly not as cranky and fussy as my daughter can be. The one that is 4 days older is just the most loving wonderful little boy and the other is so laid back. I used to joke that my daughter already has PMS. Maybe it's the nature of girls, who knows. But if you spend your life comparing you child you will go nuts that I can promise you! Even as a teacher I have to tell parents don't compare your child's grade with their siblings or anyone elses. If they are trying their best than that's that. Your daughter will progress when she is ready. If you are truly concerned that something is wrong then I would consult your doctor. But just because on child walks at 1 year lets say and another walks at 13 months there is nothing wrong with that at all. With the food issue I always say ok she wants to stay on jar food longer fine- she probably has 80 something more years to be eating solid food before she will need purred food again  They only have one shot at being in this stage let her enjoy it as is!
Posted by anon2
A lot of my friends have really embraced the role of mother so well-- really were born for the part- but the same is just not true of me. I can't be around my daughter all day... I have no problem leaving her with someone occasionally... There are someways I don't even have the energy to change her and she stays in her PJ's....
I love my daughter- don't get me wrong- I just felt like I would have taken to the job better and have never been behind in a job in my life like this one. Thanks for listening. Anyone else ever feel like this?
You may want to read my post about my daughter turning one to know that you are not alone. I am make it appoint to go out with my friends at least once a month- just like tonight! The road into motherhood is scary at best. My best friend portrays the image of the perfect Mom. When I was in the midst of my PPD really badly I said to her well look at you, you can do it all and you are sooooo loving to your kids. Well boy did she give me an earful and an insight. Remember you never truly know what goes on behind closed doors. Sometimes it's easy to seem like the perfect person for a few hours. I recently had a friend say to me I didn't know you had PPD that badly. Well that is because I didn't share. I already had several people in my life ridicule me and turn their backs on me for having it so I learned to never show it infront of other people.
The one thing that makes me nervous is you saying you don't have the energy to get your daughter dressed. You might want to talk to your doctor about that and see if you have PPD. You don't have to take medication, if you don't want, I didn't but sometimes just having a 'expert' say yes this sounds like what you have is enough validation that there is nothing wrong with you as a person that you can get passed it. That worked for me. I just needed someone to tell me it's ok to feel like this and it's normal.
If you ever need to talk please feel free to FM me. But I really think you might want to do a search of my name and read the recent post I made about my daughter turning one.
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| Posted 4/17/06 10:00 PM |
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iffer042373
5 weeks till I'm a big sister
Member since 5/05 2642 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: Pretty Sad Today... Advice please
First off every child is different they develop differnt skills at different times I get the comparison from my friend all the time her son was born around the same time as my daughter. She compares them all the time she will ask me does marissa do this cuz my son does this and I jsut say no thats ok she will do it on her own time I love her jsut the way she is I do n't want her to grow up to quickly. She usually stops then. Also about the pj's listen there are times when my DH would be watching her and he wouldn't put her in clothes he said he didn't feel like it and there are times when I am home with her that I don't feel like putting clothes on her and I don't we are in the house why get her all dolled up for what to just sit int he house let her be c omfy thats how I feel. I know how hard it is not to have family around my mom lives in PA and MIL lives upstate I have a SIL and BIL that live around but not as close as I would like. Also if someone offers to watch my child I jump at the chance so I can get some alone time or DH and I can do something together. Your not a bad mom at all your a great mom and your child will know that no matter what others say
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| Posted 4/18/06 4:27 PM |
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