My Hoboken-dwelling friend sent me this...It's funny, but I'm out on all counts, as I love Margaritas and Captain and Cokes!

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Lana

My Hoboken-dwelling friend sent me this...It's funny, but I'm out on all counts, as I love Margaritas and Captain and Cokes!

What Your Drink Says About You in Hoboken

Summertime brings out all sorts of new folk into Hoboken. Lots of them
aren't locals, and you can tell this because most yuppies in town order 90%
of the same drinks or beer. Jack and Coke. Captain and Coke. Vodka Club.
Those are standards. But, every once in a while you get the strange orders
from customers, and they all fit into a stereotype. Here, for your pleasure,
is the drink and stereotype list for Hoboken customers:

Budweiser: You are a teamster or belong to the local union. Have a strong
preference to wearing flannel and rooting for the Jets.

Long Island Iced Tea: Still working on that GED, huh? Every person who
orders this drink is on a quest to get as messed up as quickly as possible.

Manhattan: "Old Man River" will be the one who orders this. One drink and
then off to watch some "Matlock" at home, with a tall glass of prune juice.

Cosmopolitans: "Sex and the City" is off the air, and you really shouldn't
be ordering these anymore, honey.

Guinness: Anal, opinionated white people order this. The know-it-alls. They
always tip exactly $1 per pint.

Sex On The Beach: People who order this drink are idiots. Airheaded girls or
foreigners always order this drink. Yea, sure, it was popular sophomore year
in college when you were making them at the Tri-Delt house.

Blue Moon: This is the "Beer of the Moment". Every beer goes through phases.
When I first moved into town, like in 1995, Amstel Light was what everyone
ordered. Then, Sam Adams. Then Yuengling. Then Stella. Now it's Blue Moon.
I'm not saying its a bad beer, but its like EVERYONE orders it now.

Red Bull and Vodka: Your leased BMW is illegally parked, your "boys" are all
at Lua or Trinity, you made sure you didn't wear your wedding ring and you
are out of cocaine and need your fix.

Scotch, neat: The Alpha Alcoholics. All other drunks tremble in their
presence. I pee in my pants a little when a customer orders it.

Martini, dry: International Law Of Bartenders declared in 1978 that anyone
asking for it "Shaken, not stirred" is subject to a slap to the face and
public humiliation. But anyone else who orders this is either over 40 years
old or some jackass Gordon Gekko wanna be who works in a boileroom and wants
to appear sophisticated in his $600 suit and $85 shoes.

Jim Beam: Beam drinkers are always the frat house guys. I'm not talking
about Jack drinkers or Maker Mark drinkers, just Jim Beam. They are either
in a frat, or when they order one - thinking about the days of Penn State
and getting wrecked on Beam every weekend. Beam drinkers are fun people to
hang out with.

Margaritas: These people are the same idiots who were ordering the Long
Island Iced Tea 5 years ago and now want to get even more messed up and
ready for a fight. If you are a man and use Patron for a Margarita, you
deserve to be kicked in the crotch, you prententious *******. If you are a
woman, you get punched in the breast. Yeah, we all know that will be sore
for days.

Frozen drinks: Chicks order frozen drinks. I thank God everyday I go to
bartend that we have a frozen drink machine and not a blender. Thank you
baby Jesus in Heaven.

Rob Roy: Never heard of a Rob Roy? You aren't alone. In 1908 Henry Ford
created the Model T, which ran on gasoline and the Model R, which ran on the
Rob Roy. Every once in a while you can find someone who still drinks this
"alternative fuel" of the Ford Motor Company.

Vodka Cranberry: The 90's are over. Please let it go.

Gin and Tonic: There's a reason why Gin is called "Mother's Ruin", and just
take a good look at the people drinking them. They might raise their glass
and say, "It's medicinal!" while they quaff their 8th one of the afternoon
while if you listen closely, you can hear their livers scream in agony.

Courvoisier: I have yet to meet a single white person who orders this. Those
that do order it are horrible, horrible tippers. Oh, and don't forget - they
will always look at the snifter and say, "Hey, that's it? Can you fill it up
more?" When they get tired of Courvoisier, they order Heineken.

Corona: Two types of people drink Corona. Yuppies who put their cute limes
in the drink or a bit of Bacardi Limon, and maybe a shot of "something
fruity". The other people who order it are illegal immigrants who work in
the kitchens of Hoboken. They drink it like water. Everytime I see a South
American worker walk in I don't even have to ask what they want (and for the
love of God don't insult them by giving them limes). If I ever had to enter
the Chugging Olympics - i'd just go back into the kitchen and get Jose, Jose
and Carlos on my team. I'd get a case of Corona, sip on 1 and let them
handle the rest which will be gone in about 34.5 seconds.

White Wine Spritzer: Its usually the housewives or ultra conservative girls
who order these. 3 drinks later and they are sloshed and have the same
reactions of every drinker (sexual, angry, silly) but since they are
lightweights they are always much LOUDER about it. I love my job when I get
to watch Miss Priss lay into her cuckholded boyfriend about how he doesn't
love her enough. I'm just washing glasses and trying not to laugh.

Patron Tequila: 90% of these sullen drunks are either in a really bad
relationship or just got out of one in the last 3 months. The other 10% get
drunk, go home and sacrifice a puppy to their lord, *****.

Coors Light: No one really will admit they like Coors Light. Much like no
guy really admits they mastrubate to their girlfriend's girl friends. Enough
said.

Screwdriver: I can honestly say I think I made this drink about 5 times in
the last four years. I'm sure in 1978 this drink was huge at Studio 54.

Dewars, on the rocks or neat: Annoying people drink this Blended Scotch
whisky. They were probably the hall-monitor in elementary school. Ran the
projector in class. Would nark on everyone if they were cheating on a test.
As an adult, they aren't much different. They are the kind of coworker that
would email your boss if you got into an arguement with them at work, rather
than handling it like a man. Easily slighted and can't be the "better man"
in any arguement.

White Russian: Only the most clueless drinkers will drink MILK with ALCOHOL.
You drink more than 3 of these, and I will guarantee that you will be puking
all over the bar bathroom.

Captain and Coke: Suave, sophisticated and charming are these drinkers.
Perhaps they have many extracurricular activities like running a Social
Sports Club, blogging, and writing restaurant reviews, while fending off the
multiple advances of women (and men!) in their lives. They also have a huge
ego and a very good imagination, so keep the compliments coming.

Cuba Libre: Shut up and just order a Rum and Coke.

White Zinfandel: Lets be honest here. It should be renamed "White Trash".
Everyone from Bayonne and Staten Island who somehow let lost and end up in
Hoboken, and try to come off as sophisticated. You want to know a quick way
to immediately scream "WHITE TRASH" - order wine and add ice to it.

Posted 8/2/06 4:49 PM