for those that had loved ones that passed...

do you visit the cemetery where they're buried?

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

tomorrow would have been my grandmother's birthday, and some of my family is going out to the cemetery (i can't because i have work). But, i was thinking about it, and realized that i've never been there since she passed away. My sister died 14 years ago, and i've only been to it once, and that's because we were there for my uncle's funeral, and went over to her plot.

i guess i just don't know what it would do, and i'm curious for the reasoning behind it (if that makes any sense). Does it offer a sense of peace? is there something that you're supposed to do while you're there? am i horrible for never going?

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

I do, just my brother though. He passed 10 years ago, I try to at least go at Christmas and I can't pass it without going in. I don't find myself in that area very much but two times I was on my way somewhere and was like OMG I cannot just drive past! I had to stop in and say hello. At Christmas I'd put a wreath, or on my way home from Martin Viette (sp?) I would leave him a mini pumpkin in the fall and generally just cleanup and make sure there was no garbage laying around.

Since I moved off LI its not as often, but I try to plan it. I dunno, I like to visit him. But thats just me, I don't think its weird if you don't.

Message edited 1/10/2006 12:00:14 AM.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

Posted by -DonnaMarie-

I do, just my brother though. He passed 10 years ago, I try to at least go at Christmas and I can't pass it without going in. I don't find myself in that area very much but two times I was on my way somewhere and was like OMG I cannot just drive past! I had to stop in and say hello. At Christmas I'd put a wreath, or on my way home from Martin Viette (sp?) I would leave him a mini pumpkin in the fall and generally just cleanup and make sure there was no garbage laying around.

Since I moved off LI its not as often, but I try to plan it. I dunno, I like to visit him. But thats just me, I don't think its weird if you don't.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

Being in the funeral business....and being someone who does not visit my family graves often....I will say MOST people go at times like when u did....because they were there already.

As for the reason behind visting....it offers people a PLACE to go & connect to their loved one. For some though...that place is not always a cemetery. Sometimes it's a park or a beach ect. Not everyone NEEDS to visit a PLACE to feel connected. I know people who have had someone cremated & keep the urn at home. It's all about having a place or something to connect to.
Some people pray, some just sit (I ALWAYS see people sitting with lawnchairs & a lunch in the nice weather at graves!!), some clean up the grave & bring flowers......

Hope this helps!

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

when I was growing up in Poland, it was a tradition/holiday to visit loved ones' graves on Nov.1... so I always felt the need to go and pray and reflect... but since we have moved here I obviously cant go... everyone deals with things like that differently and it doesnt make you a bad person for not going... I am sure our loved ones just want to be remembered

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

The last time I went was the day prior to my wedding we drove into Evergreen so that I could place my Grandmother's Bo'k (the benefit of silk flowers for your wedding I had all my flowers early and they brought over the one for the grave in real flowers and with the rest )on my Nana and Pop's grave and I could say Goodbye before I moved away.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

yes, chris and i both go to visit our grandmothers graves. my grandma passed away almost 3 years ago and his passed away the same year as mine, mine was fed, his was december. my grandma and grandpa are buried at pinelawn national and his grandmas at the cemetery right next store. we don't go on a specific day, only when we want to go.

and nennie -

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

I don't go as often as I think I should. But to me, it's not necessarily actually being there that's comforting, it's more about the time that you take when you are there to actually focus and really think about the person who passed away without anything else distracting you. Is that weird?

I don't think I've ever thought about going on my own, but I was really moved when I was talking to my mother one day and she mentioned that she goes to the cemetary where my sister is buried (she was born too early only lived a little over an hour) often. I guess it provides her with a sense of comfort.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

I haven't been to my mom's grave in a long time. I feel awful especially around this time (her anniversary was yesterday).

I like to do it, but it is such a difficult thing to do.

It may sound silly, but I also feel uncomfortable even asking DH to go with me. It is almost like it is too hard to even mention.
He, on the other hand, would go with me in a heartbeat.

I should really go soon.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

my mom passed away about 16 years ago. I visit the grave on holidays and her birthday. I always think about her though and to me thats what I need to do the most.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

I go whenever I can (but not a lot) where my DH's parents and sister are buried. He doesn't like to go but I like to. I actually felt bad I didn't go around the holidays because we were out of town.

I usually plant flowers a few times a year (spring, summer and fall) and place something pine at Xmas.


And now that I'm thinking of it, I've never been to the gravesites of any of my relatives but it may be because they passed when I was young and just never did (come to think of it, I don't even know where my grandparents are buried).

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

My Grandparents are buried in Arlington Cemetary so everytime i am down there i make the trip to visit the grave. My other grandparents i did not know so i don't visit there graves.

My DH does not like to go to gravesites. He says he thinks about the person every day so he sees no need to get all upset by going to where they are buried.

I cry, but i get a lot of solace by going to a gravesite. I talk out loud to them about my life and what is going on. It makes me feel so much better.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

Yes.

My fraternal grandparents and my mother are all buried at St. Charles cementary in Farmingdale, very convenient. Actually they are only a two plots away from one another. Someday my Dad will be there as well.

I tend to visit during off times though. I try to avoid the crowds during the holidays and that's usually when my uncles go and they put something on the graves at that time.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

No, not really. Both of my parents are in the same plot, and they are in a local cemetary, but I don't really feel the need to go to the plot. As someone else said, I feel much more connected to them in other places - like church or places I spent a lot of time with them (a certain restaurant reminds me of my mom.) I also know that my dad in particular did not want us to feel guilty if we didn't visit his grave. He told us before he died that he wouldn't be there - he would be in a better place.

DH, on the other hand, likes to go to the cemetary because he does feel connected to his parents there. I think it is an individual thing and everyone is different.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

I have gone to visit my grandparents at Pinelawn on the anniversary of their death or on their birthdays. My aunt or my mom will sometimes bring wreaths for the grave during the holidays. Its not something we definitely do on a regular basis, just when its needed. We clean up the area, and sometimes even put a little note in the dirt near it.

My cousin passed in June and he was creamated. Its honestly a little weird for some of the family since we dont have a place to go and mourn him.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

NO, I don't visit. I like to remember them as they were when they were alive.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

I've never been to a cemetary to visit the grave of someone I knew.

My aunt & grandparents were cremated, but they do have head stones upstate. I'm not sure if I'd go if they were closer, but I wasn't there for the dedication, so it doesn't really have as much of a connection to them for me as other things, like pictures or some of their belongings.

My aunt & uncle take my uncle's mom to the cemetery on every holiday to visit her husband's grave.

And freind of mine went between her wwedding ceremony & reception , it is peaceful for some people.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

I don't go very often, but many of the times I have gone it has been when my grandparents passed away and at their funerals and unveiling (although they are right next to my dad).

Do whatever feels comfortable to you. I don't feel the need to visit the my dad's grave or my grandparents' graves because I think of them so often adn they are in my heart so much. But i do think I should go more often.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

My great grandparents are buried in St Mary's in Queens. When my grandma died, she wanted to be brought back to NY (from FL). She was cremated, so we put her ashes in front of the headstone of her parents. We also kept some ashes in our home. My mother feels better that way, I guess.

While I'm at that cemetery, I also visit my friend's mother and a mother of one of my students when I taught in Flushing.

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

I haven't been to the cemetary since my grandmother died. It's a little far and I can't really go much but the way I see it is that I keep her in my heart and I can talk to her anytime I want to...

Re: for those that had loved ones that passed...

My grandmother and grandfather are both buried in the same plot. DH's mom is buried at the same cemetery, in the same section. It was very weird going to visit her gravesite for the first time, b/c i realized how close they all were to each other. Now, whenever we go, we visit all 3 of them.