Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

I was just shocked to read that thread and how many of us have written off a mother or father. I sometimes think i am the only one who has this issue.

It's a very emotional issue with me but i have not spoken to my father in over 4 years and i have not had a good relationship with him in well over 10 years. Besides being alcoholic, he is very selfish and always has to be right.

It is all very draining emotionally to me and i feel a little better knowing i am not alone.

I do take solace in knowing that i tried to work on a relationship with him for so many years and have never doubted my decision. However, its very sad to me the whole situation.

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

I don't talk to my dad either. We had a BIG fight over something REALLY stupid 2 years ago and haven't really spoken since.

I tried to call him and make contact.. his answer was " If I want to continue our relationship I will call you"
Ok well that was MONTHS ago and I am still waiting for the phone call

( Nice fatherly thing to say huh?)

DH MADE me send him an invitation to our wedding.. I was honestly SHOCKED when he rsvp'd yes ( and it took him a LONG time to send that card back)
I honestly feel in my heart that his sister ( my aunt) is the one who made him go and he felt stupid not going since some of his other family was going to be there as well.
He refused to wear a tux ( or even a black suit ) and basically wanted nothing to do with the whole day.
He made no attempt to be in any of our pictures, so I went over to him with my photographer and *I* asked if he wanted to take a picture. When I got the pictures back he was looking in a totally different direction then the camera.
Oh and on my wedding video right after our first kiss when everyone started to clap - the camera spanned the church and guess who are the only people NOT clapping?? Yup my dad and his girlfriend.

Oh well I know I tried and that was the best I could do.

Message edited 8/18/2005 6:13:36 PM.

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

I know how you feel, it stinks. I stopped talking to my dad for awhile, then things got better, then they got worse, then we stopped speaking again for a bit (right before my wedding! ) now we talk again, and funny enough, because I have a husband, he's nicer to me. (I guess b/c he respects the man, if not the woman, in my marriage?) Unfortunately, my sis is a lot like him, and I am having problems with her, too. *Sigh* It's hard. I'm glad we're not alone either.

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

I don't talk to my dad, haven't in over a year and this isn't the first time. He's an alcoholic (supposedly in recovery now). He has yet to pick up the phone and call me and he knows I am having a baby any day now. He was not at my wedding either.

My mother is in my life but she's quite toxic at times and hard to deal with.

I just pray I can give my child a stable home with two loving parents instead of utter dysfunction I grew up in.

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

My dh's dad doesn't talk or come around anymore and we have NO clue why. He just stopped 3 years ago. We still see his half-brother and sister all the time and they said he won't tell them why.
He didn't see him for the first 11 years of his life so it is not really bothering him now.

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

I have to say, I take comfort in this thread. I have not spoken to my mother in about 4 years. We see each other maybe once a year at family functions but we dont talk. She was not at my wedding and I was not at hers. (She just got remarried). A lot of my family has distanced themselves from me out of loyalty to my mother (though they know she is not a good person, they are her family). My dad and I speak, but are no longer close. I feel relieved that I am not the only one. It is so hard at times, people assume I am close to my mother. It was the worst when I was planning my wedding, and I am sure if I ever have a baby it will be like that again. Hugs for all of us!

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

It's been a little over 2 years since I've spoken to my father.

Haven't written him off. He's my father. I love him.


Sadly, part of the reason why he can't be in my life is that I am too much of a whimp to stand up to him. And, I know that I can't lead a normal life with him in it until I can learn to deal with him better...

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

Up until fairly recently, I haven't spoken to my father in around 10 years. Long story, but, he cheated on my mother and had a child all without us knowing. My parents were separated at the time, but he always lied about where he lived and what he did, etc. etc.

I just can't trust him and it's caused a lot of pain in my life, and I just think I'm better off without him.

I was very young when my parents separated (they're now divorced) and basically my life was spent without my father around.

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

Haven't spoken to my dad in 6 months and counting. I don't plan to ever speak to him again. In fact I want to write a will so that in case I die he won't get any of my assests. I have basically nothing, but it's the principle. I'm not married, so it would automatically go to my parents. I hate my dad. I don't need him in my life.

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

It's funny that you did this spinoff because I was thinking the same thing, that there are a lot of us!

My father left my mother when I was 2 days old, with four other kids and no job. He is an alcoholic and was later diagnosed bipolar. When I first met DH we were talking about our families and he's like "my dad is crazy". I was like, "Mine too - but for real crazy!". Anyway, he was in and out of my life sporadically but he was always just this weird man to me, not really my "father". He never ever ever gave my mother a penny in support of the kids or herself and she couldn't even afford to get a divorce until about 7 years ago so they remained separated for about 20 years. He did some terrible things in that time. The final straw though was when he asked me to sign a lease with him so that he could get his SSI housing in a 1-bedroom instead of a studio. 'Cause, you know, I owed him That was the last time I spoke to him and actually, the last time one of my brothers did too, after he bawled him out for it. Apparently I'm "the b!tch", or at least that's what he tells anyone who asks about me.

My sister hasn't spoken to him since her wedding when she stupidly asked him to walk her down the aisle and he punched her DH at the reception . My other two brothers will see him on occasion, about 1-2x a year, more for their kids to see their grandfather than for themselves.

Ahhh. That was long but it's nice to know other people go through the same thing

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

Posted by Ali1

I was just shocked to read that thread and how many of us have written off a mother or father. I sometimes think I am the only one who has this issue.

It's a very emotional issue with me but i have not spoken to my father in over 4 years and i have not had a good relationship with him in well over 10 years. Besides being alcoholic, he is very selfish and always has to be right.

It is all very draining emotionally to me and i feel a little better knowing i am not alone.

I do take solace in knowing that i tried to work on a relationship with him for so many years and have never doubted my decision. However, its very sad to me the whole situation.

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

Message edited 8/19/2005 3:11:07 PM.

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

Posted by Leeners

It's funny that you did this spinoff because I was thinking the same thing, that there are a lot of us!

My father left my mother when I was 2 days old, with four other kids and no job. He is an alcoholic and was later diagnosed bipolar. When I first met DH we were talking about our families and he's like "my dad is crazy". I was like, "Mine too - but for real crazy!". Anyway, he was in and out of my life sporadically but he was always just this weird man to me, not really my "father". He never ever ever gave my mother a penny in support of the kids or herself and she couldn't even afford to get a divorce until about 7 years ago so they remained separated for about 20 years. He did some terrible things in that time. The final straw though was when he asked me to sign a lease with him so that he could get his SSI housing in a 1-bedroom instead of a studio. 'Cause, you know, I owed him That was the last time I spoke to him and actually, the last time one of my brothers did too, after he bawled him out for it. Apparently I'm "the b!tch", or at least that's what he tells anyone who asks about me.

My sister hasn't spoken to him since her wedding when she stupidly asked him to walk her down the aisle and he punched her DH at the reception . My other two brothers will see him on occasion, about 1-2x a year, more for their kids to see their grandfather than for themselves.

Ahhh. That was long but it's nice to know other people go through the same thing

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

Posted by MsMa

Posted by Ali1

I was just shocked to read that thread and how many of us have written off a mother or father. I sometimes think I am the only one who has this issue.

It's a very emotional issue with me but i have not spoken to my father in over 4 years and i have not had a good relationship with him in well over 10 years. Besides being alcoholic, he is very selfish and always has to be right.

It is all very draining emotionally to me and i feel a little better knowing i am not alone.

I do take solace in knowing that i tried to work on a relationship with him for so many years and have never doubted my decision. However, its very sad to me the whole situation.

I think we are living parallel lives. With all I have tried I can't believe I still hold on to it and I am sitting here reading your post crying like a baby.

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

Reading all of your stories makes me feel better as well. I dont have a relationship with my mother nor do I want one at this point. I have tried over and over before but I cant only try so much.
My dad has been both parents for me. And his fiancee has been more of a mother to me than my own real one/stepmother..

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

I haven't written my father out of my life yet but I don't have a great relationship with him. I try to block him out of my mind but then I feel bad about it. Not that he deserves a relationship but for some reason I just can't walk away.

My parents divorced while my mom was pregnant with me. He was a violent person and tried to make my mom miscarry. She left him and divorced him a couple of months later. When I was a couple of years old he moved to CA. At one point during my teenage years I went years without talking to him. He's selfish and only cares about himself.

He came to visit a couple of months ago to see my daughter and it made me realize how awful of a parent he is. I haven't spoken to him since May and that's really fine with me. I always thought it was strange of me to feel this way about my father but after seeing him a couple of months ago I realized that I'm better off this way.

I'm glad and upset at the same time that others feel the same as me. It's comforting to know that there are people on this site who have a similar situation to me. But it also saddens me that other people are going through it.

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

I'm relieved to see I'm not the only one, so thanks for all of you who wrote.

My Mom left my Dad when I was 3. She tried to stick it out long enough with the verbal abuse which eventually turned into physical abuse. The day he hit me and flung me across the room, she took me, the clothes on my back and we left. I have not so much had any relationship with him. I saw him a few times, like once every 8 years.

He remarried and had a son when I was 15. I personally look at the situation like it's HIS loss. I'm a great person and fun to be around, extremely loyal and good hearted. To bad for him that he'll never know it. Recently, he's been writing for some strange reason, I can't figure it out. Then, I realized, it's because he can't find his 'son'. He's called before looking for my brother or for money. Last month when he called, he had the nerve to start off the conversation with 'Why haven't you called?' WAS he F in' kidding me with this? My response was nothing pretty! I'm 35, asked him why he hasn't called in 35 years? Told him I was married now, and he apologized for not coming to my wedding, like he was invited? ugh.. he's more of a headache than anything else.

The only thing I know of about myself, if that I suffer from fear of neglect. My Mom was both my parents my whole life and had to work really hard just so we could eat and have a roof over our heads. She turned out to be really successful, but was never home. I basically was a latch-key kid and I do need attention from my husband more than a normal person would. poor guy, he handles it in stride though.

Thanks for posting

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

Posted by Ali1

Posted by MsMa

Posted by Ali1

I was just shocked to read that thread and how many of us have written off a mother or father. I sometimes think I am the only one who has this issue.

It's a very emotional issue with me but i have not spoken to my father in over 4 years and i have not had a good relationship with him in well over 10 years. Besides being alcoholic, he is very selfish and always has to be right.

It is all very draining emotionally to me and i feel a little better knowing i am not alone.

I do take solace in knowing that i tried to work on a relationship with him for so many years and have never doubted my decision. However, its very sad to me the whole situation.

I think we are living parallel lives. With all I have tried I can't believe I still hold on to it and I am sitting here reading your post crying like a baby.

I just started going to therapy over this issue and it really has helped me out. Just this week she told me that I should not feel sorry for not trying to work on a relationship it should be your father.

I guess to me i feel like i failed. I worked 10 years on that relationship to make something of it and then had to end it and i guess i feel i failed.

Makes me real sad to think about. I just really wish that he made something of his life and not what it is today...because deep down i think he is a good man.

I feel so much better that i am not alone. A lot of people can never understand why one would cut off ties with a parent (i get but he's your father a lot). They don't realize that you don't usually do it over one fight, you do it after years of work and disappointment.

Re: Spinoff to Shana's Post..People who have Written a Parent out of their life.

You guys really have made me feel a wee bit better about everything. I know I have done nothing wrong, it's just as you get older you expect your parents to be mature and then realize they are not. DH's father left is mom at 1 and never came back into his life. He constantly tells me he is the lucky one.

It just makes me sad that to outside people who have good relationships with their parents don't usually understand why one would cut off ties with a parent. My Dad's side of the family constantly asks me to just call him and make up. All i say to them is you see him 2-3 times a year during holidays, i have to deal with him every day of my life if i did that and i can't. But they don't get it.

HOWEVER, i bet every person who has posted on this thread are going to be AMAZING parents. I know me and DH will be. I'll make sure of that.