PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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*PennyCat's IVF Converted to FET Journal* Updated 9/13/11 "A dream is a wish your heart makes ... " My dream hasn't yet come true..........
The start of this journal is taken from my first IVF journal that many of you may remember. Here is a
link to my first IVF journal.
Last time I was so excited to get started again ... but now I'm just exhausted. I feel like I'm out of steam, but it's the courage that so many of you have on here that inspires me and gives me the courage I need to push forward. I started the journey with infertility a year and a half ago, thinking my only problem would be GETTING PREGNANT. I've been pregnant three times since then, once with triplets. All those candles I blew out wishing I'd get pregnant.. it worked. Now I just need to up that wish to staying pregnant and actually having the baby. Hopefully this is my last IVF journal for a few years!!  
ME: 26
DH: 28
TTC: Started 19 months ago
DIAGNOSES: PCOS, 3 types of clotting issues (APA, ANA, elevated thyroid antibodies), and bad luck (if that counts)  This cycle we are more heavily treating APA than we did last cycle since it's not certain if that is part of what contributed to my last loss.
Timeline:
11/09: Went off bcp after 10yrs
1/10: Decided to see Dr.B because I never got AF after coming off the pill and knew from when I was a teenager I had PCOS. I figured I'd see him sooner and get the ball rolling since I KNEW I was going to have issues.
2/10: Testing ... experimenting with dosages.. protocols..... you know how it is. I didn't respond to femara alone at all and needed femara and gonal-f to stim for all my cycles.
3/10: First IUI cycle 2 follies, BFN (femara, gonal-f, dexamethasone, estrace, ovidrel, progesterone supps)
4/10: Second IUI cycle 4 follies, BFN (femara, gonal-f, dexamethasone, estrace, ovidrel, crinone)
5/10: Third IUI cycle 3 follies, BFP! (singleton) (femara, gonal-f, dexamethasone, metformin estrace, vitamin e, ovidrel, crinone)
8/10: Complications. Absolutely devastating. I lost my son. 17wk3d. We named him Jack.
8/10-10/10: Forced 8 wk break because of loss, body needed time to physically heal (emotionally heal too, though I don't think that ever REALLY happens)
11/10: First IUI cycle 5 follies, BFN (femara, gonal-f, dexamethasone, metformin estrace, vitamin e, ovidrel, crinone)
12/10: Second IUI cycle 5 follies, BFN- Started out complicated, wasn't responding to gonal-f, increased the dosage, lots of monitoring, leftover follies at CD3 appt and had to go on the pill. Forced month off. (femara, gonal-f, dexamethasone, metformin, vitamin e, estrace, ovidrel, crinone)
1/11: Third IUI cycle 5 follies, BFP, chemical (Beta: 15, progesterone: 5...... followup beta..... 10) (femara, gonal-f, dexamethasone, metformin, vitamin e, estrace, ovidrel, viagra supps- for lining, crinone). Started pill to bring down inflamation from chemical and prepare for possible IVF.
2/11: Testing done to find out the cause of chemical. 3 types of clotting issues. Started baby aspirin everyday and will be on lovenox throughout entire pregnancy.
3/11: First IVF cycle, BFP ... triplets
5/11: Subchorionic hematoma or complications from APA clotting issue.. combined with REALLY BAD LUCK. I had a D&C and later found out I was having at least one genetically healthy female.  I was just shy of 8wks.
I'm going back to Dr.B this Wednesday 6/22 for my first appt back after 3wks of the birth control pill. I figured I'd start this journal a few days early and hoping it gets me excited to start because really I'm absolutely TERRIFIED. I'm terrified of a BFN .. I'm terrified of a BFP just to have it taken away from me... but I just can't let the fear of either outcome keep me out of the game.
Here we go...........
6.22.11
So I have a start date..... I'll be on the pill till Monday and starting stims Friday July 1st. That's Flowerwife's original due date so I'm hoping that's good luck!! 
Anyway .. Freedom called to confirm delivery of all the drugs I'll be needing and that actually made me semi-excited about getting started. I'm using prednisone this cycle which I never used before and I'll also be on Lovenox twice a day this time... a morning and night dose.  I said it before and I'll say it again.. I'd take Lovenox in my FACE if it guaranteed a healthy pregnancy!!
First monitoring is appt. July 5th.
New plan ..........
Due to a schedule conflict, I'm starting stims on the 4th instead. Anyone going out to see fireworks that night... please know that some of those are in celebration of my first inject  Who knew that the start of my 2nd IVF cycle would be a national celebration!?!
7.4.11 & 7.5.11
Prednisone am/pm
Lovenox am
Viagra suppositories am/pm
Gonal-f 300ius
Metformin
Baby aspirin
Vitamin e
7.6.11 & 7.7.11
Prednisone am/pm
Lovenox am
Viagra suppositories am/pm
Gonal-f 150ius
Menopur- 1 vial
Metformin
Baby aspirin
Vitamin e
7.8.11
Monitoring Day!
Since today was the first monitoring appointment, I knew there wouldn't be much going on... I have a bunch of follies in each ovary, no dominant ones which is a good thing. I just hope the follies produce more eggs this time. Dr.B says they better!!!
The appointment today took place in the same room where we found out the triplets had no heartbeat. I asked my DH if it would be totally bizarre if once we get pregnant, I request to NOT be in that room for a sono!!! We did get good news in there today though at least..... so I can't exactly say it's the room's fault One things' for sure, the stim is going by really fast! My ER should be by the end of next week!!!
And so the protocol for today is........
Prednisone am/pm
Lovenox am
Viagra suppositories am/pm
Gonal-f 150ius
Menopur- 2 vials
Metformin
Baby aspirin
Vitamin e
7.9.10 & 7.10.10
Prednisone am/pm
Viagra suppositories am/pm
Ganirelix 25ius am
Gonal-f 150ius
Menopur- 1 vial
Metformin
Vitamin e
Doxycycline am/pm (start 7.10)
7.11.11
Monitoring Day!
I don't have much to say today because I'm just in this horribly depressed mood and don't feel much like typing. I was sitting in the waiting room when this couple left for their last time. They were graduating and pregnant with twins. I KNOW I should be happy for them and think of it as motivation, but all I thought to myself was how just over a year ago I was in that same boat (well, with a singleton) and look where I am now It's just so unfair.
I sat through my sono trying to hold back tears and I admitted to Dr.B I felt like we will never graduate for good. I tried sooo hard to hold back tears, until I got to my car.
Anyway as for the appointment, I have like 40 beautiful follies on each side. The bad news? My lining is in the 3s. It's possible we won't get to do a fresh transfer this cycle, but there are some other alternatives Dr.B is considering. It's also possible my lining could just take off from here and thicken up and then none of this will matter, but I feel like there's a slim chance of that since it's SO thin now. This is the thinnest it's ever been. I feel so defeated already. I'm taking viagra for my lining twice a day.. I'm going to acupuncture.. I don't know what else I could be doing.
I know I keep saying how numb I am at this point, but I have to believe if I really WAS numb, I wouldn't be sitting here in tears. This has been going on for just way too long, I can't take it anymore.
7.13.11
My lining stunk so doing the retrieval Friday and then doing an FET.
Shame on me for thinking this would be easy
The good news is I have 47 or 48 follies, so hopefully a majority of them have eggs!! (last time 35 follies had 9 eggs)
7.15.11
Well I was amazed. This time I had 30 EGGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I went to sleep for the retrieval not knowing what to expect and walked into recovery totally stunned!!!  Of course now we have to wait for the fert report, but so far we're off to a great start, way better than last time even!!!!!!!
I also had a very good experience at Gramercy Park. I'll make a little review post about that later, because I'm off to bed.
7.16.11
25 FERTILIZED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMGGGGGGG!!!
At this stage last cycle, we had 6 that fertilized!!! I am absolutely AMAZED!! My DH and I are soooooooo excited!!! It feels so good to finally have news we could be happy about since our last losses!!
Now I just feel bad we can't transfer back right away.. Oh well... Now we wait for the next fert report tomorrow to see how they're doing!!
7.18.11
Of the 25 that fertilized, I found out yesterday that 15 are grade A and 5 are grade B. The other 5 were poor quality.
Today, I found out the ones that were poor quality stopped developing, as expected... But ALL the grade A are still grade A and doing well, as well as all the grade B!!  So, as of right now I have 20 embies all progressing nicely!!
We are freezing on day 5.
I wish we could transfer on Wednesday  Oh well... soon
7.20.11
5 grade a expanding blasts frozen today
11 more which will (most) all freeze tomorrow!! (all grade a)
Since I got AF today, I have a CD3 appt on Friday and I'll get the FET protocol. I can't wait to get started, hopefully it goes by fast and I can go for my transfer soon!!!!!!!!!
7.22.11
Well, the good news is I have 14 frosties 10 of them are grade a hatching blasts, 4 are not as good as the others but we froze them anyway.
I went for my appt today and is it turns out I will be on the pill but just for two weeks!! I go back in two weeks for a hysteroscopy and then I can officially get started (since being on the pill doesn't really FEEL like getting started, but it's just two weeks so I won't complain!! ) .
Ohhh and my apologies ahead of time for any name calling, sh!t stirring, or flame wars caused by ME in the next two weeks since I'm on the pill so that's my excuse   At least it's Femcon and not LoEstrin ... That stuff made me beastly.
8.4.11
It's amazing how the two week wait DRAGS... but the last two weeks waiting for this appointment went by really fast!!
I'm starting lupron tomorrow and will be on it for about ten days. I don't go back for another appointment till the 15th. That's when we'll start to thicken the lining, etc. Dr.B said to expect the transfer in the next 2-3 wks. (My guess is 3...)
I also had the hysteroscopy today. I definitely did not forget how uncomfortable that test could be since I had it several months ago after my D&E. I know some people are fine with it ... but for me  I just had to keep reminding myself that one day I will hopefully be giving birth and look back on that stupid hysterscopy and laugh thinking that was remotely painful  I told Dr.B if I plan on giving birth one day I really have to toughen up!!
Anyway.... I just thought of this now but this time in a month I should know if this FET worked (well.. worked.. what does that even mean?!) .. I should at least know the first beta or two.. and hopefully this will be the winning cycle.
Dr.B asked me if I was ready to get started. I truly hope that's the LAST time he has to say that for AT LEAST two years or so!!
Oh and lastly... I was getting my nails done yesterday from a place I have been loyal to for several years. The owner of the place is aware of my losses and said she will pray for me that I get pregnant very soon. She said whenever she prays for someone, they get pregnant. She seemed very confident.. Sooo hopefully between Me, DH, Dr.B, Andy (acu), my manicurist, and allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the LIF support and prayers, it will actually work for good this time 
8.5.11 - 8.15.11
Lupron
BCP (until the 9th)
Metformin
Baby aspirin
I had an appointment today and everything looks good to "truly" get started.....
I'm just so impatient and ready to transfer. The way I see it though, I'll be using estrogen for the next 10 days and then hope to start progesterone for 5 days and then transfer.. Sooo it finally feels like the end is near (though, some would consider it only the beginning!! )
We will be transferring two day 5 blasts!!
8.16.11 - 8.24.11
Lupron (5 units)
Metformin
Baby aspirin
Delestrogen (tues/fri/tues)
Viagra supps
Vitamin e
Prednisone (10mg am/pm)
Lovenox
I figured I'd update this since I went to my appt yesterday. I just scrolled through this journal and realized it started on 6/22. Really?!?! Longest. Journal. Ever.
Annnyway.... because it can never be just TOO easy... My lining was alright yesterday, but not great. It was a 6.6 but not vascular (triple layered).
We added in Estrace pills yesterday, today, and tomorrow and hoping it does the trick. I go back tomorrow to see how we did and if it isn't good enough, I'll be doing an neupogen wash. Basically, this stuff that normally is used as an injection would be put directly into my uterus to help thicken up the lining. Whatever works.. right?
I was so emotional during my appointment yesterday. I wasn't even getting BAD news .. and trust me .. I know what bad news is... I was just feeling so overwhelmed with the idea of being where we are with all this. I'm so on edge about this working.. and sticking... and actually getting to bring home a healthy baby after all this. I nearly cried throughout my entire appointment. I think Dr.B knew it too.
When I think of this road as a whole, it makes me feel like I can't breathe. I don't know how I had the strength to get through the last year and a half and yet these next few weeks feel so hard. I just want to see where this FET takes us. already and I hope the next few weeks fly by.
A part of me feels like I'm nearing the end of a very long awaited finish line.. but then another part of me butts in and calls myself naive. I need a reason to believe that this time will work and last... despite the fact that previous attempts did not.
I'll have a better idea tomorrow about when the transfer will be, but I'm guessing by the end of next week.
8.26.11
Lining still wasn't good enough... no neupogen though. We increased meds and will go back tomorrow to see how it looks.
It's possible we will cancel this FET and start over..AGAIN.. but I'll know more tomorrow.
This is just too much.
There comes a point where you just have to throw your hands up and say enough is enough already. I'm reaching that point. If this cycle isn't it, I may take a long indefinite break. Yes, me.. the anti-break girl 
8.27.11
Since the choice was ultimately ours, I did some thinking. We had a 1 in gd knows how many chance of having a loss from my first pregnancy. We had a 2% chance of identical twins. We had a 1-3% chance of a loss from a subchorionic hematoma. Maybe... just MAYBE ... even if the odds aren't as high as we would like it to be for a pregnancy this time, the crazy odds we experience will work for something GOOD!!!!!!!
That said .. I do still have a pretty decent chance of this working. My lining improved today and though Dr.B was on the fence of transferring or not, he does think we have a reasonable chance. He said with my lining, the likelihood of this working only drops by 10-15% if everything was perfect. Soooo if normally it would be a 50% chance of working, it's now a 35ish%. Umm ok .. have you SEEN the rare stuff that happens to my pregnancies?!?! Those odds actually look pretty awesome!!
We'll be transferring one embryo most likely for a small variety of reasons. Ultimately a pregnancy with fewer risks of complications (especially given everything we've gone through) is ideal..... so even though I was really into the twin idea, I'll take any amount of healthy babies I can get. Maybe this baby is our miracle. We're transferring Friday
8.30.11
I haven't been able to update this from my phone (and we had no power till last night!! ) but through a few back and forth emails, we decided to let the lining thicken a few more days. So, I am going back tomorrow for one last hope that the estrogen I'm on and acupuncture from today has helped!! If all goes well, we'll be transferring Tuesday, I think.
Yeaaa it's a rollercoaster, I know........
8.31.11
Sorry for all the confusion I went back today and my lining is THICKER but not triple layered. It's still better than last time though and we are back to our original plan of transferring two embryos!! I'm feeling really good about this!! I have a better feeling than I did after our last appointment since the lining did improve, at least a little.
We're transferring on Tuesday
9.6.11
I haven't been on here to update until now because I was SO tired ever since returning home from the transfer!! We were in traffic for over 2hrs and I slept in the car.
Anyway, everything went GREAT!!!!! When I first got there, I was a little frustrated to find out that were starting a little later than planned... but ultimately the RE who did the transfer and thee embryologist in particular were SOOOOO kind to us that it wiped out any frustration I was feeling beforehand. The embryologist was really such a nice man and took time to talk to me and my DH about our embies and explained what we were looking at, etc. The RE and the embryologist were VERY optimistic!! They told us our embies, which are day 5 expanding blasts about to hatch, are the best we could hope for!! I also asked about my lining when they did the sono for the transfer and they said it looked nice and thick. I HAD to ask Everyone there was very optimistic and put my mind so at ease. Of course now it's up to a higher power.
I'm not sure if many of you remember, but a week after I lost the triplets in May, my grandfather passed away. He was a really incredible man with the most kind heart I have ever grown to know. He loved to sing. After they transferred the embies and we were told to lay there for 20 minutes, I imagined my grandfather looking down on us singing one of his favorite songs he used to sing to me ... "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes". I'm not a very religious kind of girl, but I do like to believe that he is looking down on us and helping to make our dreams come true.
Next update will be whenever I decide to POAS.... or mayyyybe I'll wait for my beta (for those who KNOW me .. you know that won't be the case!!)
Here is a pic of my perfect little babes!! The one on the right looks slightly larger because it was a little bit further along, but they are both grade a, identical in quality.
9.13.11
Negative. Well... I have to say, I have been through worse things along this road than a failed cycle. At this point, a part of me either doesn't even expect it to work or doesn't expect it to work and last I know that's a horrible mindset and I try to think happier thoughts than that, but going through this for so long it just doesn't feel like we're trying to have a baby! The drugs.. injections.. sonos... etc.. It just feels like I'm trying to treat some disease, not create a little person to care for. I do believe we'll have our miracle one day... but when?!!
Today is the 13th of the month. My D&E was last year on August 13th and something about the 13th of any month always reminds me of my first baby... I wasn't sure if that was a sign that maybe we would get a beta miracle today or what... but obviously, we didn't.
Dr.B called and was encouraging about moving forward with our next cycle. We'll be talking at my next appt about how my next protocol but he seemed confident that we will figure out the problem with my lining. When he called and talked about plans to move forward I immediately had a feeling of hope again. Now I just hope I get AF soon so I can schedule my CD3 and REALLY move on from this.
I really don't know what gets us through.... the numbness, or the hope... which are two extremes but I somehow feel both right now.
Anyway, this is the end of this journal... I haven't decided if I will do one yet for next cycle but thank to to everyone who kept me in your thoughts this whole time!! It means the world and I truly believe that even though this cycle didn't work, the prayers and good thoughts help Image Attachment(s):
Message edited 9/13/2011 7:37:42 PM.
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