Advice Please

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My grandmother called me tonight to let me know that my father left a whole bunch of video tapes (ones that he borrow from my DH years ago and that my DH could care less about) and a bond for my daughter at her house and when could I come pick it up.

I told her I will be out there for her birthday during Feb break.

I am LIVID.

First I resent that he put my grandmother in the middle of this. Second I am mad because IF I leave the stuff there I am continuing to put her in the middle of this. If I take the stuff then I am opening the door to a relationship with him again that I am not sure I want. (I like the lack of stress in my life since he is not around. I like not having to walk on egg shells since he's not around. I like knowing that I am not a piece of shyt that he seems to try to make me feel like all the time) I do not want to open the door again.

So do I leave the stuff at my grandmother's and pretend like I keep forgetting it? Or do I take it and send it back to him? Or do I take it and say nothing.

Please know that saying to my grandmother please tell dad to take it back is not an option-- she thinks her boys walk on water and they are never wrong. This will cause problems better my 80 something (she is not sure how old she is) grandmother and myself and I am not ready to do that given her age.

Advice please.

Re: Advice Please

If DH doesn't care about the videos, dump them on your next visit or tell her she can do it because he doesn't need them.

As for the bond, take it. That gets her out of the middle. If you want to send it back to him, you can.


Also your letter telling your dad you're pregnant says to me that you still want a relationship with him & the door isn't closed.

Re: Advice Please

I'm sorry your going through this. I do think your father was wrong in treating you the way he did. I might be on the different side of the fence, but I'll say it anyway. I know what it is like to be fighting with a parent. My mom and I disagreed for a long time. I hadn't seen her or spoken to her for awhile b/c of things that had happened. It wasn't until my dh was stationed with the Marines in California that I saw her again.....three months later she was diagnoised with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and 11 months later died. I am forever grateful that we talked again and made amends before she died. I'm not saying that you have to talk to your dad it is strictly up to you. BUT I do know life is to short to stress about stuff like this, it will end up eating you up inside. I get the feeling that your dad buying your dd the bond is his way of trying to make amends. If I was you, I would "hash" it out with him and then give him the option of making the next move. If he doesn't then at least you know you tried. Good luck.

Re: Advice Please

I know I think at the time I did. But the letter I sent said simply " I just wanted to let you know that D will be a big sister in May" and that was it. He never responded (I put the ball in his court) and that sealed the door for me. I guess I decided to let him make the final decision for me and he did. I am not playing games with him. This type of crap has been going on my whole life it passive aggressive and I can't stand it. It caused so many emotional scars for me and even the way I deal with men. I do not want to get my DD into the web that has entrapped my whole family (his brothers are the same way- all horrible fathers- because quite frankly their father was too). The letter was the very end of the road for me.

Are there times I would love to call him and brag about such and such that D is doing YUP but I don't. Are there times I wish I could share things with him about her YUP! What parent doesn't love to brag about their kids accomplishments. Do I wish he was around to help my DH with household stuff since my dad is gifted when it comes to his craftsmanship absolutely but it's not worth the heartache.

I just don't want to put Grandma in this. I know that I will lose her. Her boys mean more to her than her grandkids ever have, I know this and have made peace with this a long time ago, but my DD loves her GG. I don't want her to lose someone else that she DOES know who they are.

Re: Advice Please

Re: Advice Please

After reading again the things that have happened, I think he has made it very clear how he feels and as much as you tried, I don't think he'll ever change. I'm so sorry...I swear, families s*** sometimes. I'm not sure what I would do with the bond. Part of me says scr** it and don't get it, but then like you said you'll be putting your grandma in the middle. Does she have any idea what is going on? Maybe since your brother still speaks to him, he could pick it up for you? Or let Grandma know that your dh doesn't need the tapes anymore to donate them and ask her to mail the bond to you?

Re: Advice Please

Just for the sake of your relationship with your grandma, i would just pick up the stuff and bond. I say dump the tapes and put bond in bank, Your DD doesnt have to know who the bond is from and just put it way for college. Dont respond to your father about thanking him for bond, if he had given to your dd in person or made an attempt to be with her, then he would deserve a thank you.

Sorry you have to deal with this stuff. I dont know why family make life so hard. I wish you lots of Luck and hope whatever you do, its what you want to do.