Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

Background:

- I met up with my friend (Jane) this weekend, who recently purchased a home. Jane is with John (not married) and they have a daughter together. Jane w/the generosity of her family laid out the majority of money towards the home and furnishing, while John contributed very little (just about "nothing.")

So, I'm with Jane this weekend, and she told me that she's frustrated b/c John wants to have his mother buy a bed for their guest bedroom so that John's mom can spend a few nights a week there. More history - Jane & John used to live in Bklyn, but now moved to Staten Island. John's mother lives on Long Island, and when they lived in Bklyn, John's mother came to their apt to watch the baby. They of course, paid her for watching the baby.

Now, that they're in Staten Island, Jane is looking into a fantastic day-care/early development center for baby (who will be 2 shortly.) Said day-care will be three days a week, four hours a day, so grandma (John's mother) will still watch the baby.

The house is literally now ten minutes away from their old apt in Bklyn (plus the bridge w/a $9 toll.) Somehow among discussions between John and John's mother, John "invited" mom to stay at the home to make her life easier w/the commute. This was done w/out discussion with Jane....

When the new furniture arrived (that Jane paid for) John went into a tantrum b/c the sofa wasn't a pull-out bed. In turn, John informed Jane that John's mother purchased a bed herself for the guest bedroom.

Of course, I was in shock as Jane was telling me all of this. I just couldn't wrap my thoughts around this....it's just incomprehensible for me....I told Jane "this is your home, and this is the reason you've held off on marrying this man...you have to put your foot down."

It's just a hard topic to approach b/c John's mother is rather manipulative, constantly calling John (out of her five other children) - and crying over the phone....and John w/his caring heart and adoration for his mother, just caves in.

This morning - Jane send me a message about how depressed she is, on her way to work b/c John's mother will be staying at their home for FOUR DAYS.

I have no words...I have no advice, and hopefully someone on here can shed some light, and hopefully I can translate any advice.

Thanks ladies (and gents!)

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

Sorry but my best advice is to stay out of it. THis is coming from someone whose parents come and stay 2-3 weeks at a time. At the end of the day, they are his parents and they deserve every courtesy that she would want him to give her parents. THis is something I have learned the hard way.

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

What a sticky sitauation. It sounds like Jane has tried to talk to john qbout it but john is to scared to hurt his mother. If that is the case then maybe Jane should give John an ultimatum. orrrrrrr when the mother gets to the house make her life hell

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

honestly--there is no advice that you can give more...you said the right thing--she has to put her foot down. that's all you can say, because unless she does anything about this--it will get worse.

sounds to me like john is a momma's boy and won't be putting the cord anytime soon!

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

Why not get full-time daycare center and eliminate the need for her to be there? Her staying wouldn't be worth it to me, especially if they are paying her.

If it was my mother I wouldn't want her driving home in the dark from Staten Island to Long Island, only to come back in rush hour first thing the next morning. It makes sense to me that she stay, but if they got FT daycare they wouldnt need her there.

Message edited 1/10/2008 10:06:52 AM.

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

If she puts her foot down, what could she say? We want you to watch our baby for a reduced cost, but to do so you must do the trip from Long Island to Staten Island during rush hour coming and going?

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

Message edited 1/10/2008 10:11:42 AM.

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

If she doesn't put her foot down now, it will only get worse.

I already don't like the fact that John put a bed in the house for his mother without discussing it with Jane. Since he paid practically nothing for this home or furniture, he shouldn't say SQUAT about the couch not having a pull out bed.

I just love how if someone in your family watches your child, people think you have to bite your tongue with everything. You're paying her, correct? I'd rather pay a babysitter, than have to deal with someone else living in my house for 4 days a week.

Jane has to feed this woman and she uses the water to shower (I'm assuming). So it's more of an inconvience to Jane than anything. PLUS she probably has dinner with this woman, not John and her daughter after a long day of work for 4 days!! I would not be able to relax.

Like a previous poster said....John is a mommy's boy. That cord is wrapped tight around his mommy's finger and Jane needs to cut it ASAP.

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

The only issue I see here is that your friend's BF is making all these decisions without consulting your friend. That is the only thing that i think is wrong. That is what she should focus on if she decides to talk to her DH.

As for you, stay out of it. I know I would be livid if DH told me my mom couldn't stay over after watching our DD all day, even if she lived 10 minutes away. A lot of older people (my mom included) don't like to drive at night because they don't see too well. I am concerned for my mom's safety. But I would ask DH first to make sure its OK before i invited her- or we would discuss beforehand so no one is surprised. That is what he is doing wrong.

Message edited 1/10/2008 10:25:17 AM.

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

on a total side note, I find it interesting that she hasnt married this man because of his family and yet she purchased a house with him? I would never buy a house with someone I was not married to.

Back on subject, she needs to take care of this situation right away. Left unchecked she is always going to have a problem with her BF and his mother.

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

I think there are bigger issues than John's mom. That's just the cherry on top.

Major life decisions should be made as a couple and should benefit said couple, not a 3rd party.

Obviously your friend has held out on marriage for a reason. My advice is to listen to her instincts as they are never wrong.

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)

Sounds to me like JANE and JOHN are the ones doing his Mom the favor by letting her practically move in -
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If they're PAYING her, and paying her well, why pay HER at all ? Why not have the baby in daycare full time and not have to deal with his Mommy issues?


There's really nothing you can do other than listen to your friend and support her - Try to make suggestions .......but IMO she's put herself in a bad situation to begin with - She's with a man who she doesn't want to marry for said reasons, but SHE bought and furnished a house for them and HE is moving HIS mother in ?? ........

Re: Advice to give to a friend? (Warning: LOOOOONG)