Another day in the life of "Please don't judge me for being infertile!!"

Just a vent ..

We have some cousins who were super duper fertile over the years my dh and I were trying to get (and STAY) pregnant. There were showers... birthday parties.. etc. that I missed out on, because I just couldn't put the sadness I felt for myself aside. Was I not happy for them? OF COURSE I was happy for them - but as we all know... infertility is an evil, selfish time .... and all that mattered was that *I* was not pregnant. The happiness I felt for them paled in comparison to the sadness I felt for myself and my dh.

Well... time went on .. and those cousins started to get super judgmental - as though the happiness of their pregnancy was based solely on my involvement in it. I have no idea why they cared so much. I guess they were insulted.

Anyway, then my time finally came where I managed to carry a pregnancy beyond the 18th week. One of the cousins was SO thrilled for us - while another continued to hold her grudges...

Long story short, that cousin didn't come to my shower, never congratulated me on this pregnancy, and when I saw her yesterday at a family event, she completely ignored me. (oh, and I'm pretty hard to ignore as I am 55lbs JUST in my belly)....

I just think it's so crappy to continue to hold a grudge like that against someone who had such a hard time getting a staying pregnant. Who would take something like that so personal?? It's sad because she's pregnant now and due a few weeks after me. Our kids will be so close in age.

I figured of all people, you ladies would understand. Make your decisions wisely Gd knows when you eventually do have success down the line, someone out there may still hate you for it.

Message edited 8/11/2013 5:19:10 PM.

Re: Another day in the life of "Please don't judge me for being infertile!!"

Ughs that's rough. Did u ever talk to her and explain why you were mia?

Re: Another day in the life of "Please don't judge me for being infertile!!"

Message edited 8/11/2013 6:41:22 PM.

Re: Another day in the life of "Please don't judge me for being infertile!!"

Nice!!!! Lmao!

Re: Another day in the life of "Please don't judge me for being infertile!!"

Re: Another day in the life of "Please don't judge me for being infertile!!"

You and your DH have been through so much, I'm sorry you are going through this!

But when you say "she knows", is that because its the elephant in the room or because you've actually had the conversation? Some people need the convo....now I'm the type of person that alway gets things out in the open, but I'd probably have a talk with her and just be like "I hope you know the reasons why I wasn't able
To be at x,y, or z. I was really happy for you, I was just devastated for me at the same time and couldn't handle being there. I hope you know I'm sorry. I'm so excited that our kids will be close in age!"

Everyone understands why you weren't there - but she might just need for you to acknowledge the fact that she might have been bummed not having you there.

Or you can kill her with kindness like you said above lol. You did nothing wrong, don't let her crap get under your skin!

Re: Another day in the life of "Please don't judge me for being infertile!!"

Have you reached out to her? I agree that some people are completely ridiculous- my sister is one of these and holds childish grudges for stupid things. Most who have never gone through IF have no idea what we are going through. They can't relate to the pain and uncomfortable feelings. Maybe you should write her something in a card or just an old school letter or email. Just kind of air it out a bit. And if she still doesn't come around, then at least you know you tried and she is impossible. You are obv the bigger person here so explaining your feelings may help a bit!
Sorry you are going through this but I am so freaking happy your beautiful baby boy is almost here!! Stay with that and don't let her negativity take away from this amazing moment!

Re: Another day in the life of "Please don't judge me for being infertile!!"

Ugh...some people just don't understand the toll infertility takes on somebody. Hope you don't think twice about it...if she can't understand enough to forgive you, then she's probably not worth it.

Re: Another day in the life of "Please don't judge me for being infertile!!"

I know it stinks that people can be the ultimate grudge-holders, even family but you really can't change people. I can't believe she ignored you at a function. That is just plain rude and uncalled for. It's wonderful that you mentioned sending her a present and being the bigger person will make you feel better. Other than that, I wouldn't give this too much thought. You have good news of your own coming your way :)

Another day in the life of

I would continue to be the bigger person. Send that gift!!!!!

Re: Another day in the life of "Please don't judge me for being infertile!!"

I feel as though acknowledging your absence would really do wonders. I think there is a world of difference between someone knowing what was going on with you and you saying, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for _____. It was such a difficult time for me and I couldn't bring myself to ___. I'm sorry that I hurt you." My hunch is that, being on the receiving end, she might be more bothered that you haven't said anything to her about the situation than about the situation itself. KWIM?

Anyway...soooo thrilled for you. I was going through IVF when you were attempting surrogacy last year, and am so happy that your little miracle boy will be here any day now!

Re: Another day in the life of "Please don't judge me for being infertile!!"

This is so tough. We had a very similar thing happen in our family between cousins that were once like brothers. One had a baby, the other who was dealing with IF could not deal with it, and would never acknowledge the birth. The protective momma/poppa bear came out in them, and there is now a permanent grudge/wedge between them.

It is so sad too because the couple dealing with the IF did adopt, (now in process of adopting # 3 ). All the little ones would be around the same age and could have a wonderful time together. But whatever feelings were hurt, whatever words were said can't be taken back, and unfortunately this is one time, I see it NOT getting better.

In general, I do not think most people can continue on like that ( I know I couldn't).

I say kill em with kindness...don't let the little ones suffer for the adult craziness.

Re: Another day in the life of "Please don't judge me for being infertile!!"

Thanks ladies, I really do appreciate everyone's honesty. I realized there's more to the story I didn't say.


When I came out at 18wks that I was pregnant, we brought a wrapped present for each of those cousins kids. We acknowledged we were in the wrong for missing things over the years and wanted to heal the wounds somehow by giving the kids some toys and telling the cousins we were sorry we weren't around for things at the time but we're hoping to be more involved in everyone's lives now. This was explained to them already and the one cousin took it graciously and we've gotten a lot closer since then. It's been nice. The other one...... Meh. Not even a thank you.

She understand perfectly well what's going on, but she is the type who thrives on drama. I think in her own way, she would prefer to keep a feud going and make herself out to be the victim here, than just let bygones be bygones. I know I can't change people- and that's why this was just a vent. Also, I didn't not go to things because I was taking their pregnancies personally. Like I said in my OP, I was very happy for them - but just so sad for myself. I didn't not go to things because I took their pregnancies personally- I didn't go because I was going through a miscarriage ..... or it was the anniversary of when we lost my first son ... or a plethora of other related things.

I'm just so grateful to be moving on from this chapter of the journey soon and have our little family. I know relative to that, nothing else matters- I just really wish people would just put their grudges aside and be adults. I'm not sure what more I personally can do here. At the family thing a few days ago, I approached her and *I* started a conversation - to which she gave me a one word answer and walked away. It's sad this is the example she's setting for her daughter, gotta say....

Re: Another day in the life of "Please don't judge me for being infertile!!"

Message edited 8/12/2013 12:07:37 PM.

Another day in the life of

Double post

Message edited 8/12/2013 12:09:20 PM.

Another day in the life of

Oops triple post lol

Message edited 8/12/2013 12:09:58 PM.

Another day in the life of

Well then you have already done all you can . Sorry mama! Kill her with kindness! You're the bigger person! It is sad that she's such an a-hole.