Any suggestions? (long)

My SD is significantly overweight. My DH can eat whatever he wants and never gain a pound so he does not understand the concept healthy eating. We have had a number of talks about this and he just doesn't get it. A McDonald's happy meal is not a mid-day "snack" just b/c it's small!

She is not a sedentary kid. She loves running around and playing. But she can eat. I mean, she will eat 3 hot dogs or 4 pieces of pizza in a sitting. It's really unhealthy. Now, if I try to cut her off or tell her she can't eat __ until she eats her veggies, I'm being "mean". She has now started removing anything of nutritional value from her meals and adds extra fat to them...i.e. no lettuce and tomato on burgers, tacos, etc. but adds extra cheese. Last week SD blew a major temper tantrum at a rest area b/c we wouldn't buy her a fattening snack for the car. We told her we would buy her fruit and she freaked.

Her other new thing is to eat until she makes herself sick. She can not/will not cut herself off. I have tried and tried to give her healthy portions and she'll go and help herself to seconds and thirds, especially at social events where it's more difficult to monitor what she's eating. We had to leave a party once b/c she got so sick. When she told us what she ate...we could have died. It was easily more than 3000 calories in 3 hours. What did DH do to help her with her tummy ache? Bought her ice cream. Yup. I kid you not.

She has an aunt that is morbidly obese and she is heading in the same direction. Both DH and BM are concerned about her, but they don't do a damn thing to reinforce good eating habits.

Even worse, DH took SD to the pediatrician who told him that although SD is in the 99th percentile for weight she's still in the percentiles so it's okay. What the heck is that about? Her license should be revoked. This kid is clearly overweight and that was her opportunity to tell dummy daddy that she needs to eat better. She is 9 years old, weighs over 100 lbs. and can not fit in child size 16 clothes. No joke, last week she tried to button a pair of size 16 pants and the button busted open, ripped off the pants and hit the wall. She thought it was hilarious.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to see the poor thing struggle with her weight. I don't want her to be at risk for diabetes, high cholesterol, or other weight related conditions. I don't want her to be made fun of at school or to not be able to get a date when the time comes. I don't know what else I can do to help her. Does anyone have any ideas of what I can do?

Message edited 9/30/2008 12:54:54 PM.

Re: Any suggestions? (long)

You cannot force a child to lose weight. I have been overweight since childhood and I'm just going to be flat out honest with you here; any attempt you make to tell SD what she can eat, to condemn her choices or to, god-forbid, publically comment on what she is eating with pull her away from you and push her to worse choices as an act of rebellion or anger. It could also lead to closet eating. It will come across as you trying to control, not help her.

Often childhood obesity is linked to emotional issues, I was raped at 7 years old, which is when I started to gain weight, I'm not blaming one on the other just saying that people look for ways to cope or to hide feelings and food is often that drug, especially for children. Is it possible she is using food to deal with stress from the divorce or subsequent marriages?

The best thing you can do is not hound her about what she is eating, but also only bring quality food choices into the home, you BM and DH have to be together on this, so both homes only have healthy options. Limit dining out, so the occasional treat of an unhealthy meal is really only occasional.

Message edited 9/30/2008 1:28:43 PM.

Re: Any suggestions? (long)

That's actually what we have been trying to do. I have been cooking a lot lately. I know I'm cooking healthy and the only snacks in my house are fruit, popcorn and pretzels. I also buy the 100 calorie packs so at least she can have chips or cookies without feeling totally deprived. DH is also limiting his snacking when she's around b/c we need to set an example for her.

I, too, have struggled with my weight my whole life. My mom had me join WW when I was 10. I'm probably more sensitive to her situation since I know what I went through growing up and I want to spare her any upset.

I definitley don't want her closet eating or hoarding food or anything like that.
I'm just trying to figure out other ways I can help her to make good food choices without her feeling deprived of having all the "good" stuff other kids eat.

Re: Any suggestions? (long)

How old is she? My SD is 16 and is overweight. I have fought with them (SD & DH) sooo many times over the McDonald's thing it is not even funny. MY SD is now in a womans size 16 pants and they fit skin tight. Even when she "says" she is "dieting" it is a farse. It is important that you and DH are on the same page. Only bring healthy food to the house and only serve perportions. Deal with the fits. Kudos to you for caring so much

Re: Any suggestions? (long)

My SD has the same issues, however, other than providing tasty, healthy meals at home, you need to let it be. It will become a control issue if you force it. She is too young for diets and she hasn't fully developed into herself at this age, so give it time. When she is ready, she will let you know. When my SD was about 13 or so, she asked about going to a program to get help & we did. She didn't pursue it after time, but I always let her know that when she is ready, again, I'll help her. Otherwise, she is a happy, healthy teenager with great self-esteem, so I leave it be. We keep good food in the house & some snack too, since, no diet should exclude them either. Good luck and be patient and understanding. There are likely underlying emotional issues that you have to be sensitive to.

Re: Any suggestions? (long)

Agreed, I wouldn't push the issue. SD was very overweight all the way until this past year. At 13 she seemed to have a growth spurt and is now slimming down drastically. Also, she is becoming more aware of her eating habits and tries to emulate my eating habits as well. I would say just maintain a good, healthy eating example in front of her. DO NOT make it an issue or make her feel that she is "Fat" or anything awkward. She needs your love and support and ACCEPTANCE more than you realize so I am always gracious with the "You are Beautiful" and "So amazing" comments.

You seem like such a caring person. She is lucky to have you as a SM.

Re: Any suggestions? (long)

I give you tons of credit for trying & caring about her
My SD was always chubby & had/has the worst eating habits. Her Moms side of the family are binge eaters & her mother has battled with her weight & has major body image & self esteem issues. My SD has picked up all of that influence from them. I swear the kid was shocked at age 7 when I came into the picture that food wasn't always served out of a bag.
My DS struggled with severe obesity from the time he was a toddler & was always under doctors care because we feared he would become diabetic. I started taking him to a nutritionist when he was around 10 which helped us both. As a young mother & someone lucky enough to be able to eat crap & never gain much weight it really helped me to learn about portions and carbs.
So I knew when I met my SD that she was headed down the wrong road nutritionally but that fact was we couldn't make a signifigant difference in several days a month. DH even tried taking SD food shopping for healthy snacks to bring back to BMs. We tried all sorts of things. Now she is almost 15 & she really has slimmed down but her eating habits are still terrible & now she insists on squeezing into the smaller size that her BFF wears, its a horror.

Kudos to you for trying but unless you have full custody AND DH's COMPLETE support I don't see how you can make a huge change. Also she needs to WANT the change for herself.

Re: Any suggestions? (long)

Her father really needs to help lay down the law. She is going to fight you every step of the way and it'll be easier if the two of you back eachother up on this. I know that it's hard to just sit back and watch this happen to her. Maybe give him more facts about how obsesity/ unhealthy eating deteriorates the body at an early age. I think that your SD is young enough to be taught healthy eating and she can carry that into adulthood.

My niece just turned 7 yrs old and she is 125lbs!! It's really hard to watch her get bigger and bigger and her parents can't understand that they are ruining her. You should see the amount of cellulite on her legs.

I have a friend who is in her late 20's & can seriously eat twice as much as myself & my DH in one sitting. She has always been overweight & has always eaten the wrong foods. She had been on blood pressure and cholesterol meds since she was 21. She can barely walk a block without breaking a sweat.

Re: Any suggestions? (long)

Re: Any suggestions? (long)

I'm glad that you guys have made some decisions. She is gong to be grateful to you guys once she becomes a hot & healthy woman!

I was a kid whos mom would cook several different meals just so that I would eat something. I have always been a picky eater and love snacks but I have always been naturally thin. My parents would give me ice cream before dinner just to keep me from screaming my head off. As an adult I am educated enough to know the difference between good & bad foods but it's still hard to lean towards the healthier option. Just because someone is thin doesn't mean they are healthy and I think about the health factor almost every time I put something into my mouth.
That was once disservice that my parents regret to this day & I will try my hardest not to "spoil" my kids in this way.
It's hard.