Anyone over 40 on this journey without support from family and friends?

Hi All;

I am sorry this is long

I am a not so regular poster but a regular reader and follower of this board. I created a fake name because of the nature of this post.

I got married later (almost 39) so I immediately ttc soon after...long story short..went to IVF.. got pregnant at 40 and miscarried soon after (8 weeks)...have had 4 other IVF since then.. all BFN..I am really private about it even to my own mother..I am now 43 and my IF problems have been fully investigated and corrected to the extent they can be and I am on what I think will be my final IVF cycle so you can imagine my emotions and what I have invested physically and psychologically....I am still very private about it but my DH spilled the beans last week to my Mom which brings me to writing this post...I am so profoundly sad tonight over a conversation I just had with my Mom...she has not said anything to me about this IVF attempt but she felt it necessary to tell me about a study that came out about men over 40 fathering children and how it causes this and that and the same about women over 40..so in other words she is saying I shouldn't even be entertaining the thought of getting pregnant..II have not been able to stop crying since...I also have friends who do not even ask me how things are (those who do know)...I don't even know what I am trying to say here and I apologize to anyone who is reading this if it sounds like babble..but i was just wondering if anyone else over 40 has been met with the same kinds of things..I feel really alone....Thank you all in advance for reading this..xo

Anyone over 40 on this journey without support from family and friends?

I don't have any advice but you have a plan- its your dream! I am sending you positive thoughts!

Re: Anyone over 40 on this journey without support from family and friends?

33 years old my mother have birth to me at age 44 and my father was 46!!!! And I turned out just fine!!! Good luck to you!!!!

Anyone over 40 on this journey without support from family and friends?

I am 39 my SO is 47 and were in this process. You are not alone and will be an amazing mother when it happens. There will always be people that don't get it, that tend to be judgmental. I know so many people that have had babies in their 40's. Sending you a hug...

Re: Anyone over 40 on this journey without support from family and friends?

Everyone is going to have an opinion. Whether you're older, younger whatever. Don't listen to then you want to be a mom you will be a mom. Good luck.

Re: Anyone over 40 on this journey without support from family and friends?

You have to do what it is best for you and your DH. Many women and men today are having babies over the age of 40.

As for friends not talking to you about it - I think this is because they are uncomfortable about it and not sure how to broach it. Last time I saw my friends, we had just finished up a cycle. Most people knew we had undergone a round, but they did not readily bring it up until I mentioned it. I do not think this makes them bad friends, it just means they do not know how to bring it up just in case it is bad news.

Re: Anyone over 40 on this journey without support from family and friends?

Well, I guess your Mother thought she was telling you something of value, without thinking about how it was going to affect you. When the truth is I know so many women over 40 that had fine healthy babies. The only issue with over 40 is DOR (diminishing ovarian reserve). I'm 44 (oh how I hate writing that). I got married at 36 and waited a whole year (for some reason) before TTC. Then I wasted more time...I got pregnant at 39 (on my birthday) and ended in early m/c. And after 6 IUI's and 4 IVF's I didn't even get pregnant again. I've since moved onto DE and that wasn't going so great either (had a chemical with no frosties) but I got another chance right now with a new RE. I don't give up.

I'm sorry that no one has told me not to go forward, so I can't imagine how that feels. I do not talk to anyone IRL about my IF issues because everyone has an opinion of what I should do next. Which pisses me off. I have lots of friends my age and older who are still having babies (some I met on here and on other boards). You do what you need, and screw everyone else. Its your life not theirs. If you were 19, they'd have opinions on that too...etc... Life is not perfect and so you do what you have to do to make you happy and have a fulfilling life. Its too short to get upset over what people say.

Good luck!!!!

Re: Anyone over 40 on this journey without support from family and friends?

I hope everything works out for you.

I would try to ignore your mother's comments. Maybe she just doesn't want you to get hurt?

Also, there's a good chance your friends aren't asking about IVF b/c it's awkward for them to bring it up. They don't want to feel like they're prying into something so private. That being said, I'm sure they want to be there for you, and if you bring it up, they'll be support.

Rely on your husband and your friends, though. Just bring it up when you want to discuss.

Re: Anyone over 40 on this journey without support from family and friends?

I think we all just want mom's approval and praise as daughters- from our wedding dress to the cleanliness of our kitchen floor For some of us, it puts us over the edge and for others, we just shed our tears, vent, and keep on going.
There is no such thing as too old if it's right for someone. Maybe you could talk to mom and just explain that you've been through more than you could possibly muster and that all you need is her support right now. You have a lot of love to give this child, which is much more important than any statistic could possibly provide.... I wish you luck and love and lots of hugs. Stay on the board. It's been a world of difference for many of us!

Re: Anyone over 40 on this journey without support from family and friends?

Thank you all so much for your replies and support...

I feel a lot better today and I do believe my mom had good intentions in what she was saying but she has reached an age where she does not really think before she says things to me..last week she told me my curtains were gaudy!..lol..(I have had them up over a year)...that did not bother me at all but the next day she was apologizing up a storm..so I have to try to let things roll off and take it day by day...My retrieval is this week so I am hoping for the best...

thank you all again...I pray we all get the miracles we are waiting for...God bless..xoxox

Re: Anyone over 40 on this journey without support from family and friends?

Posted by NYCGirl80



I hope everything works out for you.

I would try to ignore your mother's comments. Maybe she just doesn't want you to get hurt?

Also, there's a good chance your friends aren't asking about IVF b/c it's awkward for them to bring it up. They don't want to feel like they're prying into something so private. That being said, I'm sure they want to be there for you, and if you bring it up, they'll be support.

Rely on your husband and your friends, though. Just bring it up when you want to discuss.

Anyone over 40 on this journey without support from family and friends?

Being 40 and having my first child after years of trying, I didnt tell my Mom about IF issues until I was past 12 weeks. I endured endless conversations about how my brother was outwardly speaking of his IF journey and all that goes with that and how she went thru issues. I have no idea what she went thru but her constant telling me to just relax it will happen. Well she still doesnt know to this day how those conversations tore at my heart and I couldnt tell her about my IF because she wouldnt understand. You just have to keep hope that you will be pregnant one day. If that means going the DE route or surrogate or adoption. Dont let your mom limit you because of age.
I saw the show she did as well on the news but you know what I just watched a show where a 70 yr old had her first child and was even BFing. If I didnt see it with my own eyes I wouldnt have believed it either. AGE means nothing.