Being PC

My bff, who is in her 30’s, not her 90’s, refers to things she finds stupid as “retarded” or “gay.” She has always done this and clearly has not changed. Now, I don’t like it, but I’m not about to PC police her. My question is, what sort of circles does she run in and in what kind of workplace are these phrases acceptable? Do people still say these things? Do I live in a PC bubble? How has no one told her “you can’t say that?” Or at least implied it?

I’m not trying to incite an argument, I’m genuinely curious as to whether or not others are as floored as I am that these phrases still exist in such a context. I feel like I never hear these things anymore (thankfully).

Being PC

If you don’t tell her that you’re uncomfortable with her using those words then why would you assume anyone else would?
People also speak very differently socially versus how they speak at the office. She probably doesn’t say these things at work. I curse like a sailor in my personal life but almost never curse in the office.

Being PC

Acceptable ? Those words used in the context that she does would not be acceptable in any workplace. They are derogatory and offensive.
friend circle ? certainly not mine. I am not one to tolerate stuff like that. DH has older work buddies that are like that and I refuse to be in their company. Sounds snobbish, but I wasn't raised that way and won't stoop to that level.
My FIL spoke like that, and we constantly policed him. I started calling him senile old white man (to his face) to reinforce that his choice of words to describe people were quite offensive.
Question, was she raised by Archie Bunker ?

Being PC

I would say something.
Using "retarded" or "gay" as an insult is just plain wrong.

Not wanting to hear someone be homophobic or insulting to those with disabilities is not wrong on your end. I would be horrified.

Being PC

It's very very rare that I hear someone use that language. As her bff I would say something. You're not being the PC police. If she doesn't realize she's using homophobic and completely insulting language she should be told. And as someone that cares about her, I'm sure she'd take what you say to her seriously.

Being PC

I have zero doubt that she uses these words among her other friends. I can’t say for sure at work but the way it rolls off her tongue, I’d be surprised if she’s never slipped.

I don’t think she would take well to my calling her out. Her husband is also one of the worst human beings I’ve ever met and he rules the roost.

Believe me, I am very much horrified. Mostly for her sons (thank goodness since her husband “would not accept girls” like her uterus had a return policy). But beyond saying “don’t say that” which she will get irritated over and surely ignore, how does one approach this? I know it’s easy to say “she’s awful, cut her out” but she’s been my friend for 25 years.

Re: Being PC

If she's your BFF, I would tactfully say something next time you hear her say it. Or bring it up yourself and let her know that it makes you feel uncomfortable and likely other people, too.

I've heard people slip using the "r" word a few times that I can recently remember and I know I was very taken aback. I'd say something to your BFF so she doesn't get into a bad situation.

Being PC

You need to tell her. It is just not acceptable anymore to say those words and she could end up getting her self in a heap of trouble one day.

I will say that back in the day (I'm almost 50), we used those words all the time. It was obviously was wrong but everyone said it and we didn't know any better. Years ago, I literally had to make a conscience effort to stop staying those words because it is completely offensive and I have two special needs daughters. I do hear people saying that every now and then and I will point it out to them.

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It's not acceptable but i still say them once in a while. Not on purpose and I will call my self out about it. its just a habit from when it wasn't a big deal to say and I try very hard not to say it!! When I say it I never mean it in a way to be offensive to people with disabilities or who are gay!


I would never let my kids say it.

If she is your BFF i would tell her you know you cant be saying things like that anymore. Maybe no one has ever told her.

Re: Being PC

I am in my late 40's so I too grew up saying - Gay or retarded, I try and filter myself but sometimes it just comes out- same with saying Indian style- I grew up we sat Indian style. I of course don't mean to offend anyone when I say these things.
I also have to make myself sneeze into my elbow- it doesn't come natural to me but I am trying.

Being PC

Sometimes when I am trying to inspire one of my friends to do something without being confrontational I will pretend I am trying to do it myself. People internalize things. So if you tell her that you used the word "retarded" the other day and it got you thinking about the actual word and what it meant and you felt like it was not okay to do it anymore because making fun of the disabled was mean I think it would also nudge her to think about it, too. If she still does it, you are not her Mom and it's not your job to teach her to be a decent person, but it will still put the thought in her head.

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Being PC

I hear people say these things all the time on Long Island, and typically if you call them out on it, they respond that they don't mean it "that way" as though there is a nice way to say it.

Hell, this past weekend I had my DH's uncle use the N word in my presence, and I was so freaking floored that I couldn't even respond. He whispered it like that made it ok. Thank god my kids were not around, but lets just say that uncle isn't going to be around much in the future.

Being PC

Here's the thing - if she uses those words knowing that it's wrong and doesn't care to remove those words from her vocab, she sucks.

We all grew up saying words or phrases that we know better now not to say. Knowing better now and growing up and unlearning problematic language is the key. No one will fault anyone else who is just trying to do better but slips now and then - no one is perfect - but if you're willingly ignorant then you just suck.

Message edited 5/31/2019 2:35:18 PM.

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Message edited 5/31/2019 2:59:22 PM.

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Yes it makes me cringe when I hear people say that. Especially since I have a son with a disability. I feel like those phrases are discriminatory to those with disabilities and also homophobic.