Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

I don't want you to think this is all I complain about.....

I went to PA this weekend to see Jim's family. I am convinced they hate me. They don't speak to me or ask me anything about myself, our new apt, work (I ask them a million questions to spark convos) and at dinner on saturday night they were so entrenched in their own conversation I ended up playing with my niece and coloring. (with a cosmo, but coloring)

Out of nowhere on sunday Jim tells me I need to make more of an effort. That turning away from dinner puts more stress on the situation. I mean how could I participate in a conversation that revolves around people I have zero idea about. He told me I need to be the bigger person. His mom and I are okay I guess, but his dad.....If we are alone in the same room he doesnt say a word to me. If I ask a question to try and make convo he answers it in one words.

I know I only see them like 5X a year, but come on. What would you do. I am tired of fighting with Jim and what's happening is I end up saying not so great things about them, and I don't want to be that person either.

Why don't they like me

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

You do NOT want my il's!!! Believe me.

Are you a shy person by nature because I am like that around people I don't know too much about. I think alot of people confuse that with being snobby. I would just listen and if you feel you can contribute, then do so.
I am sure you are not doing anything wrong and I am sure they DO like you but don't know what to talk about either so they don't.

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

I love my inlaws. I won't give them up, but, I will share. My MIL is so outgoing she would "adopt" anyone. My FIL is quiet, but, a great guy!!

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

his dad probably thinks you're HOT

I am sorry sweetie. sometimes you just can't gel with other people...but it doesn't mean anything about you or them.

maybe in time, as you see them more ( ) it will get better.

if not, there's always coloring! you can see how many cosmo's it takes before you start going out of the lines!

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

I'd be ****** at DH for saying you need to be doing more! Is he also telling them to be more welcoming? I am lucky, my MIL and DH's grandparents have all been very welcoming. His father is quiet by nature but again, I never felt unwelcomed.

It's a weird thing...I'm sure since you feel uncomfortable, you act more distant, so it is a cyclical process. I think it is up to DH to make sure you are included in conversations more, which he can do by asking you questions.

Have you tried helping out with dishes, cleaning, etc? I always help out a lot at my ILs, and I know it is appreciated and it is also a time when MIL chat without the men around.

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

Sure- take mine, LOL

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

It is hard to gel with new people, especially when they may be clicky (which it sounds like they are, even in families I think there are cliques). Ask DH what topics they might want to talk about, what their interests are, then maybe before you see them next time you can brush up on those topics and have some questions ready OR maybe talk about DH? Sometimes when I don't have anything to say to my ILs I'll talk about DH (not in a bad way, about his job, etc.) or about our apt. - anything. I'm sure they like you, their son loves you and they know that there is something special about you. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, but you also don't want it to be stressful or something you dread everytime you see them either. Good luck, hang in there.

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

My DH has the same issue with my parent's - he doesn't know what to say to them b/c he doesn't know who/what they talk about.

I've gotten mad at him when he leaves the room to go on the computer b/c he feels left out.

Just take it one step at a time - and convey to your DH that you are trying and that he needs to understand YOU and where YOU are coming from. He should be putting YOU first and foremost at mind - not his parent's throughts/feelings.

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

Message edited 5/25/2007 6:57:11 PM.

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

Sorry you're having such a hard time Nancy. I definitely understand Jim's taking his family's side, Keving did that a lot too.

First, remember that it IS his family and he feels like he needs to defend them. You're his wife now though, and he needs to understand that now his allegiance should be more toward you.

Obviously Jim needs to have a discussion with his parents, as he is the only one cmfortable enough to do so. You also have to try REALLY HARD not to make negative comments about them. It only makes matters worse. I just vent here and to my friends about my ILs and it works pretty much the same!!!!

Good luck, I wish I could give you more advice, I just ignore my SIL and MIL sometimes, but that seems to be where you are and don't wanna be right now.....

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

sorry, I'm keeping mine too, but just wanted to send some , adjusting to family other than your immediate can be very challenging, hang in there.

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

Hmmm....this would make me wonder: Did the inlaws tell Jim they THINK you need to try more? Can you ask him? Then, I'd want to know what he said, and hope it went like..."Mom, she tries, but you guys are so quiet around her she's worried you don't like her."

Some families are just quiet, though. And I also believe some mamas are jealous of DILs. Maybe she thinks you "stole her boy away." It sounds nutso, but some ppl are like this. And you're sweet and beautiful, maybe she's not used to NOT being the woman in his life. His dad is quiet, you mention...maybe you can try to engage him more? Then again, if you are doing your best, you can't push. I'm sure you're being super nice.

My in laws are awesome. I am very lucky.......

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

I am not close with my in-laws either. Not the ideal situation I have always dreamed of b/c I have a very tight family and that is what I always wanted with my DH's family, but its probably not going to happen. I have learned to accept it. Luckily you only see the 5x's a year so you dont have to deal with them that often.

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

my IL's are great...to an extent. MIL and i have a great relationship. she's always asking how my family is and how things are with our new apartment and if we need anything etc. and we always gossip about everyone else in town (we live in a town where everyone knows everyones business!). FIL is great too but i dont have much to talk to him about. we talk about tv and stuff but that's about it. he's not cold or anything, but we just dont have much in common. he's very sweet though! i get along great with SIL cause we're the same age. but BIL and i dont have much in common. he's only 16 and i dont think he's ever really liked me cause to him I took away his best friend (DH).

dont sweat it. for years i thought my IL's hated me. DH actually sat down and talked to them and told them to try harder. and it worked! has your DH ever tried to talk them about it?

Message edited 2/26/2007 12:42:42 PM.

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

First off, I don't think it's right of your DH to expect you to be the "bigger person". You are his wife and his family now so he should talk to his parents and see if there is an issue or not. Maybe his dad is lacking in social skills (believe me, there are some peope out there like that) and his not talking to you is due to that and not out of dislike. I can't say I blame you for not participating in a conversation you were being excluded from. Is it only his parents who act this way or does he have siblings who do the same? If he has a sibling who you get along with, maybe you can ask them if your DH does not want to talk to his parents.

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

Thank you all for your thoughtful words and advice. I don't want to feel like all I do is complain about them. I just really want to be close to them the way DH is to my family. We are going to have a conversation about this tonight and I hope he will see my point with this. I only have a brother and I really thought I was also gaining a new sister and brother (not the case)

And thanks, Gina, I will try not to be so negative about them in front of him. They make me crazy and I tend to put them down in my own defense(it's just so hard )

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

I have a sorta similar situation. I know that my IL's like me-- but they are hard to talk to and are very different than my family. My FIL does not talk-- and my MIL talks a lot-- but it is not necessarily *substance* conversation.

They rarely ask me about my job-- other than saying in passing-- "job's good?"... and a lot of the conversations are around kids that DH and his siblings grew up with and the teachers they have had. MIL is involved in the scholl district so, this is her life too. After being together for 4.5 years and being married for almost 2-- I really don't feel they really *know* me. They RARELY call us and I know I can call them-- but I think it's weird his mom doesn't call too often. Plus, I am a little shy and feel "outside the clique" as someone else said-- so, it's very hard for me to make the effort.

I have resigned to stop making a federal case out of it with DH and just accept his parents for who they are-- and that I will never have deep, meaningful conversations with them-- albeit that this is the way that I connect with people.

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

Would anyone care to have MY inlaws?

Re: Can I have your ILs. I dont like mine

Posted by prncssrachel

Would anyone care to have MY inlaws?