Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY ***UPDATE***

Dh and I have been together for 2-1/2 years and married for 1. In this time that we have been together I have NEVER EVER been made to feel like I have anything to worry about, nor have I ever been jealous of anything/anyone he talks to. Just to give some background..he's a Police Officer in Westchester county and works the midnight shift. As we all know there are women on the job. However in his department it is RARE that they have a Spanish woman on the job. Well they recently hired a few, 1 who I know about and the other whom I just heard about and am quite upset over.

Ok so here it goes...lately I have been feeling down, and unattractive, even though DH is constantly reassuring me of how beautiful I am etc etc etc. I'm also starting to worry as well because it's been so long since I've had a baby, I just don't want things to change between us.

So..last night I was shredding old mail and came across one of our cell phone bills (from February). I NEVER look at these things, because he pays the bill. However, I decided to look to see how many numbers I actually call, because I hardly ever use my phone and am considering giving it to my son. So I'm looking at this bill and notice numbers that I don't know. I'm saying to myself who the heck is this, and when did I calls someone at 1am?? Well sure enough I realized DUH it's not my bill I'm looking at. DH and I share minutes and this was his bill. So I look and I see this number appear ALL over the bill sometimes 7 or 8 times even more in a row and all night up until about 7:30am, and then daily after that, but never during the day or evening hours. So my curiosity got the best of me and I called..and I heard a womans voice and hung up. Ok..not a big deal..I assumed it was one of his "co-workers". BUT then I started saying..ok wait..why the heck would they need to talk to each other so many times in one night and daily at that, if it's work related. They NEVER have 7 or 8 arrests each in one night..so I didn't get it. So..I called back (this time unblocked my #) and spoke with the woman and nicely told her who I was, and asked her why it is that her number appears on his bill so much while he is working? Turns out she's on the job and she tells me she formed a friendship with my DH because he is "not like the other a-holes on the job and has never tried to make a move on her", she gets advice from him and finds him so helpful, and then says he is so "understanding". She went on to tell me how he has spoken about me and the fact that we are expecting a baby..etc etc. Now all the time I"m thinking..this isn't helping the situation.

While I can completely understand him talking to people at work, I don't understand why he never mentioned her to me. SO...I asked him about it. I TRIED not to get upset, but I did. He claimed he had mentioned her to me, and I told him I would REMEMBER a name like hers because it is NOT common, and the fact that he didn't mention it, and having to hear from her how they:
a) formed a "friendship"i
b) speak because there have been rumors spread about her, and people have misjudged her, and she sees he's not like that, is REALLY bothering me.
c) speak because she was getting advice from him BEFORE she got herself a boyfriend.

She also made a point to tell me that I have nothing to worry about, because he has never crossed the line? Umm..I didn't ASK!!! Yes I did call her, but only to find out why they were talking so much and who it was he was talking to.

I told him, oh HOW NICE, she just starts on the job and people are misjudging her, and spreading rumors, so YOU have to step in and be her "guardian angel"? What type of person is she that people start rumors when she JUST STARTED on the force??. Forgive me, if I don't sympathize with her situation, because she feels she can "relate" to MY DH, instead of the other FEMALES on the job!!!

I know my DH would never do anything to jeapordize what we have, but come on ladies...am I wrong for being the slightest bit upset about this? He tells me everything, and yet failed to mention this, and so..I got suspicous. Wouldn't anyone else?

Of course he was very apologetic, said he at first didn't see what the big deal was because it was purely innocent, but after having thought about it, completely understands my point and agrees with me.

I'm still upset..and don't know if this has anything to do with the fact that I've been hurt in the past, cheated on, etc. I've NEVER compared DH to any of my exes nor will I ever, but this raised a level of suspicion within me, and I can't figure out if it's because of the pregnancy and the way I have been feeling lately (fat, etc). I trust him..but this really bothered me.

Message edited 5/29/2007 3:11:46 PM.

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

OMg thats a tough one. I am the same way, trusitng never even think that my hubby would ever cheat...but in all honesty i would have been concerned by a #...i def. would not have called so I give you credit for that. At the same time. my friend is a female cope and works midnights. She is happily engaged but does have really good friendships with some of the guys she works with, they talk on the phone a lot, even out of work....i think its a cop thing...

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

Your feelings are completely justified. I would have done the same thing and feel the same way. You are actually a bit more composed as i would be. I would ask as many questions as you need and talk about it as much as you want so that you feel comfortable with the "friendship". Maybe even meet her. Its 100x harder being pregnant and feeling unattractive. to you.

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

I think you are fully justified in your feelings.

DH and I don't keep any secrets. We both know who eachother talks to and is friends with at work and otherwise. If someone "unknown" to one of us suddenly popped up it would be very out of the ordinary and suspicious.

It sounds like your DH isn't doing anything seriously wrong but gave you very good reason to be suspicious.

If I were in your situation I'd ask him to curb this friendship and limit the contact. It's not like it's a long term friend you are asking him to give up so it shouldn't be a major issue.

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

I am not sure how to respond to your post.

BUT I will tell you that there are NO friendship that justify a 1am phone call in the morning to someone you never heard of and who JUST STARTED on the job. So, he actually BARELY knows her, right?

I know all of DH's friend. He has a few female friends and I have a few male friends. Those relationships date before our marriage. We made it clear that nothing is "secret".

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

first of all lots of i am so sorry, this is the last thing u need with your preggos. I think you are so justified in calling the women and asking your DH about it and i have done the same in the past (i dated a cop when i was 19 and found his cell phone bill and also found lots of strange # on it and he was cheating on me, however he was a a****** and i am sure your DH is a good guy who just made a stupid mistake) Truthfully, their is nothing wrong wtih your DH having friends who are female, HOWEVER, it should not be kept a secret from you AND their is def no reason for numerous phone calls to her all night, he should be calling you and making sure your feeling ok, etc. plus she is new so let her find her own friends/guys.
because of what i went through in the past, me and my DH are always open and honest with each other and know all of each other friends/co-workers b/c we both have nothing to hide and would never want the other to feel insecure.

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

I would say the only thing that REALLY would bother me is, like you said, his failure to ever mention her or their friendship. Given the number of times he speaks with her and how close they appear to be I wonder why he did not mention it - I mean, if this were a guy, you most likely would have heard of him. So, I guess it is not the friendship itself that I think is so troubling (although I wouldn't be crazy about that either) but the fact that you never knew about it - I think that is strange.

Also, I'm sure you know this already but I wouldn't trust A WORD this woman says - you don't know her from adam.

If it were me - I would get to the bottom of the secrets and make sure your dh knows that is not acceptable and then I would keep my eyes VERY OPEN to make sure there was nothing wrong going on.

GOOD FOR YOU for calling her and being so forward about this - who knows, you may have nipped a potentially bad situation in the bud

ETA: I also wanted to say that I AM SO SO SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS while PG - My heart goes out to you!!!!!

Message edited 5/29/2007 11:20:48 AM.

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

First off: to you

While I understand it's just a friendship- WHAT friendship requires 7-8 phone calls in a row. I don't speak to ANYONE that often- even my family or BEST friend.

Seems to me that while your DH may be innocent- she definitley had more in mind. I agree with the PP that you know NOTHING of this woman, so take whatever she says with a grain of salt. Perhaps, he just liked the attention- but it doesn't make it right.

I hope he decided to end this "friendship"....

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

Posted by Porrruss

First off: to you

While I understand it's just a friendship- WHAT friendship requires 7-8 phone calls in a row. I don't speak to ANYONE that often- even my family or BEST friend.

Seems to me that while your DH may be innocent- she definitley had more in mind. I agree with the PP that you know NOTHING of this woman, so take whatever she says with a grain of salt. Perhaps, he just liked the attention- but it doesn't make it right.

I hope he decided to end this "friendship"....

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

Ok, now this is coming from a fellow "on the job" wife (DH is FDNY EMS) whose DH always seems to have female partners, it is just work! I used to panic too, then one of them enlightened me to the fact that like working with DH b/c he is "one of the good guys" who doesn't just try to get one them wife or not.

I am SURE it is the same thing with your DH. I've made friends with a lot of them now. Don't freak out

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

Posted by KateDevine



Ok, now this is coming from a fellow "on the job" wife (DH is FDNY EMS) whose DH always seems to have female partners, it is just work! I used to panic too, then one of them enlightened me to the fact that like working with DH b/c he is "one of the good guys" who doesn't just try to get one them wife or not.

I am SURE it is the same thing with your DH. I've made friends with a lot of them now. Don't freak out

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

M- not even sure how to respond.


As you and the others have said, the one issue that would bother me the most is that he didn't mention her.

I think I would make it very clear that I felt that him not mentioning her is a lack of respect that I wouldn't tolerate. (I've been cheated on before and this would be completely unacceptable to me)

Of course you're feeling unattractive right now, you're pg and your body is not what it use to be. That's natural, but to have this added to it
You sound like a very strong person! I'm sure this will be the only time your DH makes this mistake.

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY

Posted by Phoebee

M- not even sure how to respond.


As you and the others have said, the one issue that would bother me the most is that he didn't mention her.

I think I would make it very clear that I felt that him not mentioning her is a lack of respect that I wouldn't tolerate. (I've been cheated on before and this would be completely unacceptable to me)

Of course you're feeling unattractive right now, you're pg and your body is not what it use to be. That's natural, but to have this added to it
You sound like a very strong person! I'm sure this will be the only time your DH makes this mistake.

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY ***UPDATE***

ETA: I just found out that my good friend went to school with the girl my DH has established a friendship with. I mentioned her name which I said was VERY rare..and she knows her! What a small world.

She didn't sound too thrilled when I mentioned her name...hmm. I guess that's why "rumors" got started to begin with.

Oh well..hopefully it will be the last time I have to deal with it.

Message edited 5/29/2007 3:13:05 PM.

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY ***UPDATE***

I'm sure it will...

I use to think that guys and girls could be "friends". After many debates and paying attention over the years, I've come to my own conclusion that they can't. One person is always more into the other. Not saying this is your DH- but maybe the girl???

What would make me wonder is.... why would she need to seek the advice of your DH when the "just met" on the job.? Where are her friends? I'm sure your DH is just being nice- well, WAS being nice.

It is a very small small world out there!

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY ***UPDATE***

Posted by Phoebee

I'm sure it will...

I use to think that guys and girls could be "friends". After many debates and paying attention over the years, I've come to my own conclusion that they can't. One person is always more into the other. Not saying this is your DH- but maybe the girl???

What would make me wonder is.... why would she need to seek the advice of your DH when the "just met" on the job.? Where are her friends? I'm sure your DH is just being nice- well, WAS being nice.

It is a very small small world out there!

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY ***UPDATE***

I am very sorry --- this is a very difficult situation. I hate hate hate to be the one to be so negative but.....this happened with my ex and me -- and my best friend. I came across a cell phone bill one day, totally didn't think much of it until I saw sooo many calls, at all hours, to her cell #. When confronted, they both gave me all kinds of excuses of why they were talking -- she was going through a seperation, he was working nights and able to talk to her when she couldn't sleep -- months later I caught them on the phone together and they weren't talking about her problems.... turns out they had been having an affair for 3 years.

I would be extremely cautious and suspicious....I am so sorry and I certainly hope this is NOT your case...but I would definitely be wary.

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY ***UPDATE***

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY ***UPDATE***

Posted by Phoebee

I'm sure it will...

I use to think that guys and girls could be "friends". After many debates and paying attention over the years, I've come to my own conclusion that they can't. One person is always more into the other. Not saying this is your DH- but maybe the girl???

What would make me wonder is.... why would she need to seek the advice of your DH when the "just met" on the job.? Where are her friends? I'm sure your DH is just being nice- well, WAS being nice.

It is a very small small world out there!

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY ***UPDATE***

Posted by Bklyngrl

Posted by Phoebee

I'm sure it will...

I use to think that guys and girls could be "friends". After many debates and paying attention over the years, I've come to my own conclusion that they can't. One person is always more into the other. Not saying this is your DH- but maybe the girl???

What would make me wonder is.... why would she need to seek the advice of your DH when the "just met" on the job.? Where are her friends? I'm sure your DH is just being nice- well, WAS being nice.

It is a very small small world out there!

what advice would she need that warrants 7-8 phone calls in a row? I don't like her and her whole "poor me - all these guys trying to get it on with me" act. I'd nip this friendship in the bud asap. I do not see a need for that much "communication" between coworkers. She is not his partner. I understand you feel vulnerable now being pregnant but remember you're still the sexy woman he fell for !!!

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY ***UPDATE***

I too hate to be so negative but I as well had something similar happen. I wouldn't let this rest. I always feel where there's smoke there's fire.

My DH is NYPD and I would FREAK if I saw him having 7 - 8 phone conversations with the same woman in the same night. NO reason for it. Again, I'm a scorned woman (From my first marriage) so I personally am not a fan of the man / woman friendship - ESPECIALLY IF IT'S MY HUSBAND. I'm sure alot of women will disagree with this but I'm the jealous type.

I don't like how she was saying don't worry nothing happen. *** is that all about ???? I would have probably snapped at that comment....

Just keep your eyes & ears open. Just be on guard and more importantly, take care of yourself and the baby - you don't need this stress and if he's up to something, it'll come out, it usually does. Good luck

Re: Can the pregnancy be causing me to over react? VERY LONG...SORRY ***UPDATE***

I would like to send a huge

Second I would have called her also.. Who needs to call someone 7-8 *** could they possibly be talking about?

I don't know I have male friends, but these male friends are friends also with my husband..

I would have also have had a hard time swallowing her telling ME my husband was never out of line..

Your a very strong woman.. BUT don't be blind... Keep an eye on the bill...

see if these 'friendly" calls continue.. You can always check the bills online :)

I don't know why would he also be the only one who was so understanding about the work rumors....

Your better then me.. I would have told her back the F off and I would suggest you cool off your late night conversations.. PG or not.. I am still the WIFE!