Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

between your mother and daycare, who would you choose?

But first, let me give you a little background . . .

My mother has volunteered to take care of our kids when DH and I decide to have them. Sounds great, right? The problem is that my mother and I do not have the best relationship. we don't talk. About anything. All my life she has done nothing but nag me, guilt me and make me feel inadequate. about my weight (I'm 105 lbs now at the age of 32, was 80 in high school), my looks (comments about my skin, hair, etc.), my intelligence (straight A's, law school, now in very high level job in finance), yet nothing I ever did was good enough for her. and then she tries to make all her kids guilty about not loving her or wanting to see her but truthfully, would you want to be around someone that had nothing but negative things to say about you? She used to have "weigh ins" after each semester at college to see if I gained weight. sorry if this sounds really horrible) but if I ever had to choose a mother, it would never be her. i feel emotionally traumatized whenever I have to spend more than 4 hours with her.

The flip side of this is that I know she loves me and she can't help who she is. it is just her personality. she currently watches my 2 nieces and I see her doing the same things to them that she did to me and I'm starting to see the resentment build in them.

DH insists that despite all this it is better to have someone who truly cares and loves our child watch them then to put them in daycare with a stranger. I'm not so sure.

what would you do?

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

I would without a doubt prefer my child to be in daycare based on the background info you mentioned. No offense but this arrangement would create a necessary relationship between you and your mother that might not be ideal, i.e. "helpful hints" or suggestions on how to raise your child, with I think lots of room for criticism. I would steer clear of this at all costs based on the history there. Daycare can really provide a warm, loving environment if you find the right place. Good luck w/your decision whatever you decide, it's not an easy one even under the best circumstances.

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but your mom sounds toxic. If I were you, unless you are strained financially (daycare can be expensive), I wouldn't want her watching my children.

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

Honestly, I would not let my mother watch them when the time comes. The fact that she's doing it to your nieces now is enough for me. That type of scrutiny/critiscism can really affect a child. If you can avoid that type of treatment for your child then I think that's the best thing. I'm sure your mother will love your children (as she loves you), but I just wouldn't want to deal with that.

Initially having family watch your kids sounds so great, but the situation isn't always right for everyone. I'd rather my kids go to day care or have a nanny than be subjected to that type of "abuse" (can't really think of another word).

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

xxxxxxx

Message edited 2/10/2007 4:13:10 PM.

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

Most definitely daycare.

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

I would pick daycare, too.

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

Posted by anon

Posted by jambalady
she currently watches my 2 nieces and I see her doing the same things to them that she did to me and I'm starting to see the resentment build in them.

if this is true, why would you consider it for your own children? you obviously have lots of inner strength to be able to rise above what happened, but not all people do. i personally would not want to expose my kids to something that was so hurtful to me...

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

Maybe when the time comes you should dicuss your concerns with your mother. It may be hard to do but it would be good for you and may make it easier for you to feel comfortable with your mother watching your child.

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

Daycare is good, I have yet to have an argument with the lady who runs the daycare centre. She has never once criticised my hair, my skin, my weight etc and I have complete and utter faith in her that she will not do the same with my child.

Choose life. Choose confidence. Choose daycare.

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

Daycare all the way. I have a very similar relationship with my mother & there is no way I would expose my child to that sort of behaviour.

I am sorry you are going through this. I know how rough & hurtful it can be, especially at a time when your mother should be the closest to you.

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

Sounds like my MIL - she's not exactly like that but sounds similar and I would never ever let her watch my child. I would sooner put her in daycare at 12 weeks old than let her be around my child for that long period of time. Honestly, she watches my 2 nieces too and I see how they yell like she does and it's terrible. I know you don't think she would intentionally hurt you, but the damage that she could cause to your future child could impact them greatly.

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

I would never let my child go through that

I would opt for Day Care or a Nanny.

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

Daycare! Sorry that you had to go through this with her
I would put your DC through it too

Re: Childcare: If you had to choose . . .

I am a grandparent and I watch my grandson on a regular basis. I would say that nothing compares with the love and caring a grandparent can give. We are different with our grandchildren. We have more time and patience and we pretty much have a handle on things because we've done this before. Normally, I would agree with your husband, but, not in this instance.

If what you describe is accurate as to what happened between you and your mom and if she is STILL doing the same things with your nieces, then daycare is the way to go here. I don't doubt that your mother loves you, but, her way of expressing that love is very damaging, as you can attest to. You say she "can't help who she is". I disagree. We are all capable of changing, if we want to. She just doesn't want to. She's comfortable with what she does because she is not required to be any different. I don't even want to think about what she will put you through once you are pregnant if something is not done to turn this around.

You are in a tough situation. She is your mom and you don't want to hurt her, but, the welfare of your child must come first; and not just the physical welfare. The psychological welfare is equally as important. Your husband needs to understand your side and if you can't convince him, then, maybe some outside help might be the answer. Either way, you cannot put your child's well-being on the back burner just so you don't hurt your mother's feelings. If she watches your child full time, she will be the primary caregiver and, probably, be spending more time with your child during the course of the day than you will. A great deal of good, or harm, can come from this. I wish you luck with the decision you make.