VirginiaDeb
Don't eat me, hippo!
Member since 5/05 9252 total posts
Name:
Deb
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Chuck Norris Facts
I couldn't remember if this had been posted before - but i did a search on chuck norris and got nothing... so here goes.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
.. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
.. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
.. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
.. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
.. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
.. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
.. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. ***-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
.. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ******* Indian.
.. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
.. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
.. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
.. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
.. CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot *** kicking in real-time.
.. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
.. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
.. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
.. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting ****** off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
.. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
.. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
.. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
.. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
.. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
.. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
.. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
.. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
.. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
.. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
.. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
.. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
.. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick) .. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
.. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
.. Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
.. Back in the '30s, there was a lot of controversy because Chuck Norris was the first black woman to refuse to sit at the back of the bus. He karate-chopped every white person's head off in sight, and now he sits wherever the **** he wants to.
.. For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
.. During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
.. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
.. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
.. Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
.. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
.. Chuck Norris only waves to people who doesn't have any hands. He wants them to think he's cocky.
.. Contrary to Kayne West's infamous statement, Chuck Norris doesn't care about black people.
.. 27. The number of fatal roundhouse-kicks to the face Chuck Norris has given to other people in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
.. Chuck Norris slicks his hair back with his victims sweat.
.. Chuck Norris was once high. This is when he found out that butter is way better than margarine.
.. Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris.
.. Chuck Norris doesn't own a pager or a cell phone. He is always around everyone, ever. If you need to contact him, whisper, "Hey Chuck Norris" and he will turn his head to the right and say "What?"
.. The hit series 'Lost' takes place in Chuck Norris' beard.
.. 10x10= Chuck Norris.
.. So fed up of his slow computer system at home, Chuck Norris ****** anabolic steroids and increased its performance.
.. Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step father.
.. Ask not what Chuck Norris can do for you, but what can you do for Chuck Norris?
.. If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris' mother.
.. Michael Jackson's nose is about to fall off because Chuck Norris gave him a facial.
.. Chuck Norris' 5 o'clock shadow appears yesterday.
.. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that is why there are no signs of life there.
.. Chuck Norris can do 137 pushups. With his feet.
.. Ashton Kutcher once tried to punk Chuck Norris. After Ashton told him "You got punked!" Chuck Norris immediately Karate-chopped him in the left testicle and responded, "No I didn't, your testicles did."
.. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
.. Will Smith once said, "I got to get me one of these." Chuck Norris does in fact have one of those.
.. Chuck Norris never has to force a confession out of a convict. They all spill their guts immediately...and literally.
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99.9% of the time 
(or maybe he is honored.. who knows !!)
