Dealing with relentless family members

I'm not even sure if this is the proper board, but I need to vent.

DH and I will be married 2 years in October. We just moved into our house last weekend. Ever since we got the accepted offer, my mom has been relentless with the questioning about when we are going to start a family.

We don't plan on TTC for another year, maybe 2. Financially and mentally, we are not ready for it. She constantly makes little comments about how I'm not getting any younger (I'll be 29 on Monday) and that SHE wants to be a "young" grandma and how she can't wait to take our kids here and there.

When I ask her to stop talking about this, she yells at me and tells me to stop being so defensive. Ummmmmm - I think I have the right to be on the defense here, we have made it MORE than clear that this is not happening for a few years and that talking about it doesn't help the situation.

My dad has overheard me getting upset when she makes the comments and has said to her on several occasions "Just stop asking her and let her live her life" (her being me) and my mom's response to that has been "She's my daughter and I have the right to ask her whatever I want"

If we could, I would LOVE to get pregnant this summer, but we are just not ready for it. I think that's what's bothering me too. It's not like I'm saying we NEVER want kids, just that we don't want them right away and I wish she would realize this and stop with the incessant questioning and pressure.

I'm not even sure what the point of this was, but it's been bothering me for a few weeks and just need to let it out.

Any suggestions as to what I can say to her the next time she makes one of her comments?

Message edited 7/20/2007 10:20:25 PM.

Re: Dealing with relentless family members

I know how you feel and how frustrating it is. My mom used to do that too. Until I told her that I'm not having kids. This isn't true and is kind of mean, but I really needed her to stop and she did. Now that we're ttc, I still haven't told her anything because I know how excited she'll get and all the questions and pressure I will feel.

Re: Dealing with relentless family members

I personally dealt with questions by throwing it right back in their face. I was dealing with infertility and we were under enough stress without pressure from family. So, I suggest my tactic......
Her "When are you going to have a family?"
You "If you stop asking, maybe we'll have enough time to actually have sex."

Well, it worked for me.

Re: Dealing with relentless family members

yes, ever since we got married every family function has become more and more frustrating to attend because of questions like these. It didn't help that my younger bro and his wife had a kid 8 months after their wedding day. And now that we have the house, it's worse. But what they don't know is I had some medical problems I was and am dealing with that needed to be taken care of first. People should be more sensitive and mind their own business. My mom has since stopped asking b/c she knows we were having some medical issues. But every one else continues.

Just answere questions like "when are the babies coming?" with "when I know, you'll know." and walk away.

Message edited 7/21/2007 9:30:09 AM.

Re: Dealing with relentless family members

I think part of the problem is that that generation does not understand us wanting to wait until we're ready. I feel like "back then" couples didn't really think about it the way we do (we want to have a home, be financially secure, have time together, etc.). It's just a different train of thought.
In my opinion (I'm stating that b/c I don't want to get flamed for generalizations) people just had their children then, and let everything else fall into place. Our generation seems to really think it through (sometimes too much, but neverless I'm a big fan of thinking things through).

My point is, she probably doesn't understand. It probably doesn't cross her mind that you're not ready - even though you know you are not. (Or, being that she's your mom, she just might have more confidence it what you're capable of since sometimes we underestimate ourselves)

My point is, try not to let her "get to you". She's just excited for when it does happen. She doesn't mean to pressure you - she probably just thinks you'll be a wonderful mommy, and she a wonderful grandmother.
If it really gets to you, I would wait until you can talk to her privately and just seriously tell her, "I know when you say these things it's because you're excited and care about me, but my husband and I agree now is not the time. When it does happen, and it will (just not tomorrow), I know you'll be a great grandma". Maybe something like that will get your point across.

Good luck - and for when you're ready for it!

Re: Dealing with relentless family members

The DAY of my wedding a close family friend said "Oh good, now we can have the babies" Um Slow your roll buddy. I have made myself VERY clear with family that Im not crazy about the questions. My mom is the worst. She is always asking, she thinks it should have happened by now, she isnt getting the part that there are issues. I just at all the questions, you have to do whats best for you two, thats it. GL whenever you TTC.

Re: Dealing with relentless family members

Maybe reassure her that you are also excited about all those things too (her being a grandma, taking the kids places). But tell your mom it has to be when DH and I are ready.... not when SHE (grandma) is ready. I konw its frustrating!

Re: Dealing with relentless family members

Message edited 7/21/2007 5:55:08 PM.

Re: Dealing with relentless family members

Re: Dealing with relentless family members

Thank you everyone - I'll just have to have a quiet discussion with her the next time she brings it up.

Counselor - thanks for your input??

Re: Dealing with relentless family members

Have a sit down with her, try to explain calmly that you are not ready to be a parent and pressuring you is reallyt stressing you out! Be sincere with her and assure her that when you are both ready it will happen!
XOXOXO
Kitty