Did You Develop thick Skin or Did you Always Have It?

I was at a birthday party today and DS was in rare form. He was running everywhere and was into everything. It was very challenging because while it was a kids party the party was held at a house where they had no children and the backyard where the party was, was "under construction." Needless to say DS kept DH and I quite busy redirecting him and it was frequently commented on by many guests (Oh, me must keep you busy...Oh, he's a handful....Oh, what an active boy). Fine fine...all comments I would expect. Then someone asked if he was our only child. I replied yes but god willing not our last. I dont know if she thought I was out of earshot or not but she turned to whoever was next to her and said "See now that's what I dont understand. She clearly cant control the one she HAS and she's going go and have another? " Well I have to admit, I handed DS off to my DH and went into the bathroom and I'm glad I had my sunglasses on. There is clearly no non-confrontational response that I can think off and I should just let this one ridiculous comment roll off my shoulders but it bothers me. That because my son has PDD that I am being judged. Should I stay home and never go anywhere? Should I make an announcement when I arrive somewhere that my kid is slightly autistic and if you dont like it leave now? Does this ever get easier?

Message edited 7/30/2011 7:27:27 PM.

Re: Did You Develop thick Skin or Did you Always Have It?

Re: Did You Develop thick Skin or Did you Always Have It?

I am so sorry For me things have only gotten much harder. I remember speaking to moms when Gabe was really young and they would say the same thing - It only gets harder - and I would think... how am I going to do it? And cant they just lie to me and tell me it will get better. But you figure it out. You have to. I can tell you I do get embarrassed with Gabes behavior. extremely sometimes b/c hes older. People think he should know better. He will raise him hand in the auditorium and ask the presenter. Why do you look so old? You look older than my mom. Or why are your teeth crooked and yellow. He doesnt mean to hurt any feelings. he just does not get it. He will answer the neighbors phone, or just go into her cabinets or fridge. So embarrassing, but at least they know. I kind of stopped going to so many playdates with him simply b/c I cant handle him with my 2 other children. I have to say I did think 100X before having any more after him, but I was remarried and my husband didnt have any children, and I wanted more. I was just afraid I would have another special needs child and I wasnt sure if I could handle it. Anyway, besides Gabe lacking in social skills he has Tourettes. I have even had friends of family members mimick his tics and then say why do you do that? Im so proud of him b/c he says - I have tics! (Like DUH! LOL) Its hard. You have to have thick skin. People are rude everywhere, but you just have to think - they just dont know, because they arent in my shoes.

Re: Did You Develop thick Skin or Did you Always Have It?

It's always been hard. For the most part he has gotten better, but we still get comments all the time. When he was little and totally OOC it was so much worse.

I sheltered us for the most part. I limit my time with people who can't keep their opinions to themselves.

Yesterday, my FIL told us that we have to think of a way to get Lance to listen. I laughed at him, I couldn't help it. He should only know what I think of him, too bad I'm not rude enough to say it to his face.

It's not that I handle it better now, but I usually take a good look at the source now. I realize that the people who are making these comments are not worth my time or my energy worrying about them.

Re: Did You Develop thick Skin or Did you Always Have It?

I understand this in a different sense. DD is PDD-NOS and is very inactive. Her speech is so much better but people don't understand her well. But what she does is talk to herself. This makes people-adults and children alike question what's wrong with her and look at her funny. Particularly kids-she's a magnet for getting bullied.
People have no sense. I have a typical DS and he's overactive. Usually people chock it up to him being a boy. I can't imagine why this woman would think it's ok to ever say something like that out loud. Are her kids perfect? Doubt it.
Have you considered speaking to a therapist? Sometimes they can offer advice on how to deal with social situations like this. We worked with a psychologist for our parent training when DD was first diagnosed and it helped me immensely.

Re: Did You Develop thick Skin or Did you Always Have It?

I am sorry that this happened. I probably would not have been able to bite my tongue. I hate when people think they know everything and comment. I think some days you have thicker skin and some days it just gets to you more.

Re: Did You Develop thick Skin or Did you Always Have It?

Well, people are finding excuses NOT to come to DS' birthday parties. We are not invited either.

You will find your true friends through it.

It IS getting difficult because now at 4 yo it is REALLY obvious that he is not a typical child. That we cannot reason him except give him some juice/food to keep him quiet when we go house hunting or we have a complete meltdown and he does not get it about bribes, etc...

And I think it will get worth. Because while it "might" be still excuseable at 4 yo, people are not going to get it when he is 9+ yo.

He screatches. Sometimes he can't behave. It's draining! I have no excuse except being on top of him so he does not break anything in someone's home. Not that he ever does at home.

Re: Did You Develop thick Skin or Did you Always Have It?

sorry this happened...

i guess i have always had thick skin, even before DSs diagnosis.. i am also very vocal about him.

if i had heard that i would have walked over to that lady and basically said to her, when you had children, you would have sent this child to an institution because of his disability.. but i am a better person than you ever will be, because he is home with me, and i take the time to grow with him and teach him, and not pawn him off to the state.

Re: Did You Develop thick Skin or Did you Always Have It?

I am so sorry this happened to you. I don't know what the right thing to do is in these situations. I suppose it is whatever you are most comfortable doing--depending upon my mood, I might confront someone like that, basically repeat what she said back to her and tell her I'm shocked she's so quick to judge. Or I might ignore it and cry to myself later.

Maybe this won't last, but I actually have felt better about going to events with DS since we found out what we are dealing with--I used to watch him and wonder why he couldn't be more at ease or more like the other kids. Why couldn't he sit and eat his snack with the other children instead of tearing around someone's house, things like that. Now that I know why he isn't at ease, I don't feel as baffled and yes, embarassed anymore. I hate to use that word, but that's the only way to describe it. He's doing the best he can, and I'm doing the best I can as a parent, and if anyone has an issue with that, that's their problem. And I'm sure we're judged at times, though so far people have had the sense to keep opinions to themselves.

But it has only been a few months, so I may change my tune. I am sorry this happened to you--this woman has no sense!

Re: Did You Develop thick Skin or Did you Always Have It?

I'd like to chime in here. If you are truly doing all you can to keep your child's behavior in check at a party then you should feel free to answer back to anyone who has anything to say about you.

And if you go someplace that really is not safe for a child, such as to a backyard that is under construction, you have no obligation to stay for very long. It's a safety issue for any young child at that point.

Message edited 8/1/2011 10:13:01 PM.