Disciplining older children

I know most of us have infants/babies/toddlers but maybe someone has some type of input for my co-worker/social worker. She has been making herself ill. Her ex husband is of no use whatsoever. They have a 19 yr old, 16 yr old, and 13 yr old. The 19 yr old has working issues...doesnt want to work. He and the middle child have learning disabilities and the youngest has anxiety. The youngest DOES NOT want to go to school and has been home schooled in the past. SHe becomes eratic screaming and yelling and flailing her arms etc...when my co-worker tries to make her go. She is actually a quiet, nice young girl. Doesnt have many friends bc she is never in school long enough to make any. My co-worker had to put her at her fathers for multiple days so she would calm down. The father took her their to see her dog this weekend my my co-worker wasnt home and she was banging on the doors/windows etc...refusing to leave. Its almost an agoraphobic thing but not quite. Any advice....? I told her I would ask.

Re: Disciplining older children

I am a behavior consultant and tend to work with issues like these...

Unfortunately, there are no real strategies that will just work in this situation - anything implemented would just be a band aid, or putting out the fire.

When there are skill deficits, or deficits in appropriate behavior, many behavior issues will manifest as a result - like, multiple fires from the same match, to use an analogy. The trick is to find out what the match is, and to stop striking it. This means determining the function of the behavior.

we all behave for specific reasons - it gets us somehting, and if it works, we will continue it until we learn another way to get what we want. The trick is to exhibit appropriate behavior to get us what we want (example - none of us want to work, but we have the coping mechanisms to delay gratification, bear our teeth, and get thru the week until the weekend or vacation.) If someone does not have the skills to do this, then they will get out of work by not going.

The thing is, if these kids have a lot of skill deficits in deiiferent areas, they dont have any replacement behaviors to help them behave appropriately.

so yada yada yada - this is a very long way for me to say that the entire family needs to have a lot of intervention. the intervention needed is multi faceted and requires the following:

A functional behavior assessement to determine the function of everyone's behavior - and to determine what is motivating and reinforcing to all involved

skill assessment, and skill acquisition to help teach everyone skills they need

A behavior intervention plan for everyone

Parent training/family training

couseling

I'm sorry this is happening to them!!!

Message edited 11/19/2007 12:40:25 PM.

Re: Disciplining older children

Thanks so much for responding.
Question...they have been through counseling etc... sometimes they go sometimes they dont. She can force them but how is that going to go when the youngest is flailing her arms etc..
What kind of behavior assessments do you recommend? Is there a place to go etc...
The school psych suggested PINS, possible Sagamore and all of that...but seriously...who wants their kid in the system but I also understand and was telling her that you have to weigh out which one is worse...what do ya think??
Do you have any places or things that might change the situation as is....?
I mean we are both social workers at a loss....

Re: Disciplining older children

Re: Disciplining older children

My step-daughter had very similar problems about going to school. When she was living with her mother, she didn't want to go all of a sudden in 10th grade. Her mother would give in & they sent tutors home. Long story short, it didn't last long & my DH ended up with custody of her (and her younger sister). It turns out that she was being picked on by the other kids because she was so quiet & she was afraid to go to school. She had very little self-esteem & she didn't want to tell anyone what was happening. Also, she went to this program in Port Jeff for 2 weeks with some other behavioral problemed kids & all it did was reinforce her feeling of being different & a "freak". I don't recomend that kind of intervention if you can help it. The type of kids there were extreme & her main problem was self-esteem.

Find out if there are problems in school. It could be the root of her not wanting to go. As for the other children, I don't know. I do know that if the older one wants any privledges, including driving, etc. he had better earn his own money or none would be provided to him - that should motivate him (ie. cut him off!)

Re: Disciplining older children

She also wanted to know if she should temporarily eliminate her boyfriend from the pics? I say no bc then I think the child eliminated another postive for the mom and IMO mom is entitled to her life as well. JMHO...