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Distances with my Brother and his future wife, should I confront or not?

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kerrycec03
Mom of 2 beautiful boys!!

Member since 6/06

13519 total posts

Name:
Kerry

Distances with my Brother and his future wife, should I confront or not?

Ok, I rarely write anything like this online, but yesterday I had an embarassing meltdown with my mom & my sister. Here's the situation. This goes back some time

I used to be closer to my brother back in the day (like HS days). Since he went to college, there was a distant. I've always been super close with my sister, but my brother not as much.

So according to my family, my brother & his future wife were "upset" with me because on the day of my DS's birth (1/18/09) (a c-section which I had at 11pm) I said to my parents "have everybody come by tomorrow, no need for them to come so late". My rational (which they to this day don't agree with was it was 11PM, I didn't even get into a room until 1AM and they wouldn't have seen me or the baby that night anyway). Nobody gets it, whatever, move on....right. Anyway, the next day my brother stops by the hospital for 5 minutes before visiting hours (so needless to say he didn't see he nephew) while my FSIL sits in the car outside the hospital waiting for him. This set me off.

Since then, numerous things have been done towards me by my SIL. She never came to my baby shower, she never came to the hospital, she hasn't called me about me being preggos with baby #2, and about 6 months ago I found out I will not be in there wedding (but my son is the RB). Now, wouldn't be as bad BUT my sister is the MOH in the wedding because she set them up (so it really is a stab at me). This upsets me beyond belief at times.

When we were planning my sister's wedding (I was the MOH, SIL was a BM) she didn't do ANYTHING, handed me the check and that was about it. Always had excuses. While I do like that she is close with my sister (who is my best friend) it makes things worse. I mean today is my sisters birthday, she writes on her FB wall how much she misses her.

Now I know I'm emotional, but this weekend my mom and sister got down on me that I don't give out professional photos (ok, this is my fault because I haven't gotten around to them, but I do share every link for photos, etc). I felt bad for my sister but what set me off is that my mom said my brother asks for photos....why wouldn't he ask me??? At first I almost didn't believe my mom. I flipped...They see my DS like 4x a year. While my brother shows interest in my DS, my SIL has NEVER and I mean NEVER asked, called, or anything about me or my DS.

So, my mom said I should confront my brother. He can be a kinda cold person and I don't want to put an even bigger wedge with my SIL because he will repeat EVERYTHING to her. What would you do? Is it worth it?

Message edited 10/3/2011 9:57:40 AM.

Posted 10/3/11 9:55 AM
 
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mrsBLT
missing my baby

Member since 1/10

1359 total posts

Name:
Brittany

Re: Distances with my Brother and his future wife, should I confront or not?

that's a tough situation but i would say something. it may cause some troubles between you and sil for a while, but i think it's more important to be honest and fix/avoid issues with your brother than it is to worry about her. it's a crappy situation all around and i'm sorry you have to deal with that! Chat Icon

Posted 10/3/11 10:58 AM
 

APT910
Let It Be

Member since 2/11

5021 total posts

Name:
Ashley

Re: Distances with my Brother and his future wife, should I confront or not?

I would say something in a very non confrontational way. Maybe tell him that you miss how close you guys used to be when you were younger and you want to work on getting closer again. Don't place the blame on SIL because he will probably just get defensive and it could make the distance even worse.

Posted 10/3/11 11:07 AM
 

LastLightGlow
Mystic.

Member since 4/07

2665 total posts

Name:

Re: Distances with my Brother and his future wife, should I confront or not?

Message edited 10/5/2011 2:42:30 PM.

Posted 10/3/11 11:11 AM
 

Dutchess Cloverly
LIF Adult

Member since 1/09

988 total posts

Name:

Re: Distances with my Brother and his future wife, should I confront or not?

I have a SIL like you describe. Unfortunately, I have learned to bite my tongue and also let things roll off my back since the one time I did confront my brother (not in an accusatory fashion) he would not speak to me for over a year. He gets very defensive. I love my brother and now I learned not to let her lack of involvement affect me anymore. It's her loss. She's also petty and vindictive. I will not stoop to her level. I know it stinks but I have also learned you have to pick your battles. I hope it works out for you.

Posted 10/3/11 11:17 AM
 

maybesoon
LIF Adult

Member since 9/09

5981 total posts

Name:

Re: Distances with my Brother and his future wife, should I confront or not?

If you say anything, it's just going to cause more drama. You should start sending pics to your brother in your own , and now you have your own family, don't bother yourself worrying about your SIL. Your mom is not helping the situation telling you to confront your brother.

Posted 10/3/11 11:27 AM
 

Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!

Member since 8/05

14470 total posts

Name:
Veronica

Re: Distances with my Brother and his future wife, should I confront or not?

Honestly, nope its not worth it. JMHO I just deal with the hand I am given. I would love him as much as I could, when I could. I was excluded from my brother’s second wedding until the very very last second and it was an obvious last choice for her because someone else backed out and she wanted even numbers. I wasn’t seated at the head table, I was ignored, treated like personal servant for her father, etc. Whatever.

My brother and I were close, stayed family even after they married haha and after they divorced too! Family is that. Family. Thick or thin, they are yours. I’m not one to point out distances and obvious slights because it feels to me like I’m declaring that I see the sky is blue and lets argue about how you think it’s red. No one wins in those arguments. I know my own brother well enough to know that this kinda stuff would NOT be resolved with a call, conversation, therapy, etc.

Bringing it up would only just make it worse.

Bottom line is…. In our house (family).... Be CAREFUL what you say to one another. Because saying sorry NEVER erases what is done. The pain and bruises may fade but the memories do not.

If he hurts me (and he has) then I just take the high ground. Sometimes he’ll come around and know he was wrong and you can tell by his actions. We never really say sorry but more of an unspoken “Oh, yeah gotcha” nod, and its over type thing.

Again, JMHO. But I am sorry its bothering you so much. Its sad that its happening. I guess the best you can do is hope that you guys can be civil to each other in the future. Seems like you are under a lot of stress right now and this all just sorta broke the camel’s back. I’d take some time to defrag and give YOURSELF some distance to regroup. Sounds to me that is pretty much in your favor not to be in their wedding. JMHO.

Posted 10/3/11 1:14 PM
 

DiamondGirl
You are my I love you

Member since 7/09

18802 total posts

Name:
DiamondMama

Re: Distances with my Brother and his future wife, should I confront or not?

I would ask my SIL to go to lunch or coffee and I would hash it all out. I would air my grievances, haver her air hers and suggest putting it behind us and trying to have a better relationship moving forward.

This sounds like years of tit for tat, I am sure there is pent up resentment on BOTH sides and I am sure BOTH sides are at fault.

You are family and since it is bothering you a lot why not be the bigger person and make the first move at making a better relationship. GOOD LUCK Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 10/3/11 2:07 PM
 

Kerie-is-so-very
versatile!

Member since 5/05

13535 total posts

Name:
K

Re: Distances with my Brother and his future wife, should I confront or not?

FM

Posted 10/3/11 4:48 PM
 

KwaaksNest
Love my boys!

Member since 6/10

2825 total posts

Name:
Samantha

Re: Distances with my Brother and his future wife, should I confront or not?

i would definately say something...espeically that it has been going on for this long

i would be extremely upset if i wasnt included in my own brothers wedding

Posted 10/3/11 7:36 PM
 
 

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