DNA TEST?

ME AND MY DH WILL BE MARRIED A YEAR SOON AND WE HAVE A 4 MONTH OLD. MY DH HAS A ''DAUGHTER" THAT WE'LL CALL "R". THE REASON WHY I PUT QUOTATIONS IS BECAUSE NO BODY IS FOR SURE IF HE'S THE DAD. R'S MOM WAS 16 AND MY DH WAS 18. R'S MOM'S PARENTS WERE GONNA KICK HER OUT OF THEIR HOUSE BECAUSE SHE WAS PG AND THEY WANTED HER TO GET AN ABORTION. MY MOTHER IN LAW SAID THAT THEY DONT THROW AWAY BABIES IN THEIR FAMILY. THE THING IS THAT AFTER SHE GOT PG, SHE TOLD MY DH THAT A GUY HELD HER DOWN AT A PARTY THEN ADMITTED SHE HAD SEX WITH HIM. SINCE HE WAS 18 HE COULD HAVE GONE TO JAIL, SO PRETTY MUCH THEY WERE FORCED TO STAY AND LIVE TOGETHER. THEY LIVED WITH MY INLAWS TIL R WAS 3 BECAUSE SHE HAD BEEN CHEATING ON MY DH 6 MONTHS BEFORE SHE LEFT. SHE LEFT R BEHIND.
MY MIL IS THE KIND OF PERSON THAT WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING IF YOU LET HER. SHE WOULD GET MY DH CLOTHES READY FOR HIM EVERY MORNING FOR SCHOOL TIL HE WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH. MY SIL COULD HAVE BEEN DOWN STAIRS AND YELLED AT HER UP STAIRS TO GET HER WATER, MY MIL WILL COME DOWN STAIRS AND GET IT FOR HER. SHE HAS HAD MY DH AND SIL OVER SPOILED SINCE THEY WERE LITTLE. WHEN R CAME ALONG MY MIL TOOK CARE OF HER WHILE HER MOM WORKED AND TOOK RESPONSIBILTY OVER HER. WHEN MY DH MOVED OUT AND GOT HIS OWN PLACE, MY MIL NEVER MADE HIM BE A DAD AND SHE JUST KEPT HER THERE WITH HER SINCE MY DH WORKED A LOT AND STILL DOES.wHEN WE GOT MARRIED I TOLD HIM THAT SHE SHOULD COME LIVE WITH US SINCE SHE BELONGS WITH HER PARENT NOT GRANDPARENTS. MY MIL DIDNT LIKE THAT AND STARTED CRYING. I TRIED BUT SINCE SHE'S RAISED HER, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN TOO DEVASTATING FOR R TO BE TAKEN AWAY FROM HER GRANDMA. WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO TAKE HER TO COURT TO HAVE CUSTODY OF R. MY MIL AND DH TOOK R'S MOM TO COURT WHEN SHE LEFT SO SHE'S WOULDNT TRY TO TAKE HER LATER.R'S MOM GETS HER EVERY OTHER WEEKEND ONLY BECAUSE HER BF PRETTY MUCH MAKES HER. SHE DOESNT CALL IN BETWWEN THOSE 2 WEEKS TO EVEN SEE HOW'S SHE'S DOING. SHE LIVES 5 HOURS AWAY AND WHEN SHE COMES HOME TO VISIT HER FAMILY HERE ON THE WEEKENDS SHE DOESNT HAVE R, SHE DOESNT EVEN COME TO SEE HER. SHE HAS MORE PICS OF HER DOGS ON HER MYSPACE THAN SHE HAS OF HER DAUGHTER.
WHEN I MEET R FOR THE FIRST TIME I MENTIONED TO MY DH THAT SHE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HIM OR HIS FAMILY. THAT'S WHEN HE TOLD ME THE STORY, BUT SINCE HIS MOM TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING HE DIDNT REALLY CARE IF SHE WAS HIS OR NOT. SHE'S 5 AND WEARS SIZE 8 CLOTHING, MY DH IS NOT TALL. A STRANGER CAN NO DOUBT MATCH OUR DD TO HIM. MY DD HAS HIS SAME THIN DUCK LIPS AND NOSE WITH MY DARK HAIR AND BROWN EYES. OUR DD IS VERY WHITE COMPLECTED AND IM HISPANIC. SHE EVEN GOT A STRAWBERRY BRITHMARK THAT RUNS IN HIS FAMILY. BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED HE SAW THE GUY THAT R'S MOM SLEPT WITH AND HE SAID R LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM.
SINCE OUR DAUGHTER WAS BORN MY MIL COMPARES R AND MY DD. SAYING HOW MY DD HAS THE SAME HAIR STYLE AS R WHEN SHE WAS A BABY, LIKE A MOHAWK. THAT BOTHERS ME A LOT. MY DH NEVER HAS MENTIONED TO HIS PARENTS THAT HE DOESNT FEEL LIKE R IS HIS. SHE'S 5 NOW AND I MENTIONED TO MY DH HOW SHE ONLY CALLS HIM DAD BC THAT WHAT SHE KNOWS HIM BY. HE SEES HER MORE AS A LITTLE SISTER. HE HAS NO CONNECTION TO HER AND SAYS THAT HE DOESNT FEEL THE SAME ABOUT OUR DD AND R. I HAVE BEEN TEMPTED TO ORDER A DNA TEST OFF THE INTERNET FOR CURIOSITY.
IF R'S MOM EVER TRIES TO GET CUSTODY OF R. MY DH WILL DO A DNA TEST BC HE'S NOT PAYING CHILD SUPPORT FOR A KID THAT'S NOT HIS. AND IF R ISNT HIS, MY INLAWS WILL HAVE NO RIGHTS TO HER SINCE SHE'S NOTHING TO THEM. WOULDNT IT BE MORE DEVASTATING FOR HER THE OLDER SHE GETS AND THEN GET TAKEN AWAY FROM MY IN LAWS? IM 90% CONVINCED THAT SHE'S NOT MY DH. SHOULD WE JUST WAIT FOR THE DAY THAT HER MOM MAYBE WANTS TO GET CUSTODY OF HER AND THEN FIND OUT FOR SURE. ANOTHER CONCERN I HAVE IS THAT MY DD WILL GROW UP THINKING SHE HAS A SISTER AND THEN ONE DAY SHE WONT HAVE ONE.

Re: DNA TEST?

1st off, I would lay off the caps. It makes your story hard to follow.

Secondly, I'm quite surprised at your lack of compassion for this little girl, being that your a mother yourself! This child is more to be pitied than censored. She obviously has NO familial connection outside of MIL..and if MIL is happy to have her, why should you, DH or the man in the moon stand in the way of that relationship?!? Is it about the $$$??? How incredibly sad for this little girl that the only people she considers her "parents" don't give two craps about her and are only concerned about the financial burden she creates. The ONLY one in her corner as I see it is her grandmother. Who really cares if she's blood relative or not? Your DH made the choice to accept the role as her father; his opportunity to voice his objection should have been when she was an INFANT (since he was fully aware of his ex's actions), not as a developing child who needs to emotionally bond with SOMEONE!

How incredibly cruel and insensitive you are to even think of pulling the rug out from under this child because the situation isn't convenient to you!!

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You know that what you're saying doesnt offend me, because I know its not her fault. And i know that even though she may not be blood, they will always see her as family. but like i said my dh wasnt really given a choice when she was born. That is why I wrote on here because i wasnt sure how to think about this. R stays with us sometimes and even has her room here at our house. I dont treat her any different than I would treat my daughter but there's still that different feeling. Only someone in my position would know the situation. i guess the future will only tell......But I do understand more now where you are coming from so thanks for your opinion. That made me think about it alot more.

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I'm glad you're looking at my post objectively. It's a sore subject for me because my brother married a woman with a child (a child whose father wanted nothing to do with her) and my brother wasn't particularly a loving or caring role model for her either. Even though this child was not blood relative, I took her under my wing and treated her (in most cases) BETTER than my own nieces because she needed that extra attention and love. We had a phenominal bond between us until her Mom and my brother divorced, at which time her Mom made her draw a line in the sand and choose sides. Our family has not seen her since. I miss her constantly.

My boyfriend and his family have been so accepting and loving of my own child, even though they are not biologically related. When I see somewhat troubled stories of step-parent/child relationships, it bothers me to no end. In this day and age with blended families being so prevalant, it's no wonder that so many children slip between the cracks. I couldn't live with myself if the person I chose to be with couldn't accept my child. Even though your husband was young, he still assumed that responsibility. That child NEEDS him. He is the only father that she does have. What's the likelihood of EVER discovering who Father XYZ could be even if you uncovered that your husband was not the biological parent? With her mother's activities, could she even recall who could be a likely candidate? Does it even matter? There's a bunch of Mom's on the adoption board who would cut off their right arm for the child they call their own (not grown by body, but in their hearts). Please give this little girl a chance.

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I very much see your points and they are valid but I dont think you should make the decision on this one. I think dh should do what he thinks is best. In all honesty, I dont think he would be crushing this little girls hopes and dreams by finding out. I mean if shes not his, her mother is the one who crushed her dreams. BUT being that they waitied so long and have bonded...IMO...now is not the time. 5 yrs ago was the time. My heart breaks for grandma out of everyone. I mean, look at this bond she created with this little girl. If your dh does take these tests and finds out shes not his...OMG!!!! Could you imagine if her mom takes away the bond between the child and grandmother. The one relationship that sounds like it truly existed.

Re: DNA TEST?

Stricly speaking about the logistics and not the emotional bond, I'm confused here. Is your DH on the child's birth certificate? If so, that means he had to have signed a form when she was born (an acknowledgement of paternity) stating that he was 100 percent sure that he was her father, without a doubt. With that said, if the mother was to try to get custody and takes that paper to the Court, she can sue for child support. At that point, your DH could ask for a DNA test at his expense.

With that said, IF that were to happen (the mother trying to get custody), I would hope your DH or his mother would fight her on that 100% even IF it turns out he wasn't her biological father, as they have been raising her, not the bio mother. In the interim, I would leave it alone and let your DH continue to be a father to her.

Re: DNA TEST?

well like I said, my mil took over the situation and since my dh was 18 and she was a minor, they were threatened to send him to jail.
She hid the pregnancy til she was 7 months and when she told everyone, my inlaws made arrangements to pay for everything...
Im sure they would fight for custody if she ever tried to get her, but Ive seen shows that show a Dad that takes care of his kids and find out he's not the biological dad and he has absolutely no rights after that. I just don't know if her mother would have the heart to still allow her to have contact with my dh family...But by the way it looks like, she doesnt want her and enjoys not having her dd 24/7.

Now that I have some opinions Ill just go with the flow...

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Well I have stepparents too. my stepmother didnt want me around and i didnt meet my sisters til i was 15.
When me and my dh started dating I would get on to him for not spending time with her and told him to bring her along. and when we got married i wanted her to come live with us since her mom didnt want her, but my mil objected. i wanted her to come live with us because I wanted her and my dd to grow up together because i didnt have my sis to grow up with and so they never saw me as a sis. now i dont talk to my sis because they only called me when they wanted something from me and we didnt have a relationship sis should have. I just didnt like that one day she said that they arent real sisters because they have the same dad and not the same mom...I hope she doesnt treat my dd any different because she was told that.
Im not gonna say that I love her like my own dd, because that would be lying but I dont mistreat her when she's with me. She may think that I do because I always have to get on her bc my MIL lets her run all over her and doesnt teach her any manners. She lets her yell at her and she expects to be bought everything she wants and when she seldom says no, she throws a fit like you wont believe. That's another reason why i wanted her here bc I thought that maybe I can teach her some manners bc she can be bad and with me she doesnt act like she does with her grandma.. But I feel sorry for my MIL because she's raising her like she raised my dh and sil and they dont respect her. My dh is used to hearing his dad yell at his mom and he does it. My sil disrespects my MIL by telling her all the guys she takes home everynight.. I see the same for my stepdaughter...

Re: DNA TEST?

I am confused by a lot of what you say...

But, honestly---be THANKFUL that your MIL "Stepped to the plate" when everyone else deserted this poor little girl. She had 2 teenage parents who could make her, but could not take care of her. She is very lucky to be with such a loving Grandma, instead of the state.

How dare you step in and try to take control--its really none of your business at all. Be THANKFUL your husband does not have to pay child support. Now that you have your own child, don't you know how expensive it can be? And, your MIL is raising her as she knows how to raise children..and hell, your DH must have turned out alright, it you married him-right?

Re: DNA TEST?

I am pretty sure the law is once you sign that paternity paper and your name is on the birth certificate thats it HE is the father even if DNA says otherwise and is "on the hook" for child support until that child is 18

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maybe I can teach her some manners bc she can be bad




Honestly poor choice of words. Children act out but I don't agree with calling them bad. Especially at 5yrs old how do you think she feels knowing her real mom isn't around and the only dad she has moved out with his new wife and baby. Maybe she acts out to get attention, even negative attention is attention. Also my ds is not my husbands but his dad has another kid with his gf and when she was pregnant many people told him it wasn't his kid because she has cheated on him but you know what he didn't care he took the responsibility on raising this child as his own and he will/would not ever question it. My ds also calls her sister because if his dad calls her his then they are related. (I think it is his dd but there is always that possibility that it isn't) Another thing what do you think will come from you finding out if it's his or not? His mother has raised her since both when truthfully your dh should have. (I was 18 and my sons dad 17 even though we're not together we both take care of him to this day) I'm sure what ever the out come is your mil wouldn't feel any diff. about her. When you have a chance to bond and raise a child you can't take that away.

Re: DNA TEST?

Re: DNA TEST?

ok,

I can only input a story from my family here.

my uncle has FIVE kids with his first wife. He found out she was cheating on him, and finally left him. of his FIVE kids, only ONE looks like him. the other FOUR look like his old firehouse buddies. He has never gotten a dna test. He has never told his kids they may be his "Friends" kids. My grandmother even offered to pay for dna tests....All of us on our side of the family seem to know the story except for the kids themselves.If the kid looks nothing like the father there are bound to be doubts down the road. Why not have everything out in the open sooner rather than later?

For the pro side of DNA Test. Me personally I would want to know who my biological father is. For reasons like does diabetes, heart disease etc. run in the family. If I ever need a transplant of some sort a biological father, uncle, half sibling may come in handy too.... Maybe the biological fathers parents would be as loving to the baby as your dh's mother is now.

And if the child is not DH's, then perhaps DH's mother can still choose to adopt her. And if that doesnt work out. Dh's mother can become a foster parent, since there are plenty children out there without any loving home.

Re: DNA TEST?

Posted by butterfly20


And if the child is not DH's, then perhaps DH's mother can still choose to adopt her. And if that doesnt work out. Dh's mother can become a foster parent, since there are plenty children out there without any loving home.

Re: DNA TEST?

I think should leave well enough alone. Thankfully, ths child has a loving grandmother who cares for her. Your DH should make the effort to connect with his daughter - blood or no blood he is the only father she knows.

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i would also leave it alone thankfully the child has someone that cares for her and loves her as much as her grandmother does, and while you might not agree with the parenting techniques she uses what if it were your friend would you step in and tell her she's not raising her child the right way, which is what you want to do by taking the child to live with you,

and i do have experience with this my ex fiancee had 2 sons one was his the other was not, was actually his best friends who his gf at the time had cheated on him with, well the best friend wanted no part of the child so my ex took on the responsibility and to this day some 10 years later still raises him, i think when the children get older yes they should be told they have a right but at least they will know someone love them enough

children and innocent and can't control what their parents do, they should not have to suffer for the bad choices their parents make (i mean choosing not to take care of them)