Does anyone else have trouble asking for help, besides me??

*If this post is too long-winded for ya (typical of me ), here's the short version: Do you have a DH that just automatically knows when to help you and step in with your DC(s), or do you have the type that needs to be asked? If you have the type that needs to be asked, how do you feel about that?


This is a bad habit I've gotten myself into, especially once we had DD. I was a wreck during the whole newborn phase because I felt it was all on me - ya know, guilt if I didn't do it all or couldn't do it all. Felt like a failure if I couldn't do it all.

Got past that phase....but yet, I still take it all on. I guess I just want to...even when I've had DH take over, I'm always just around the corner, involved in my own way.

But, essentially, he's clueless and needs to be asked. I was very annoyed at him today because I spent a whole family gathering running after our VERY ACTIVE DD and he seemed clueless as to how it was mostly on me all day (not that he didn't ever tend to her but...it was pretty much all on me). We had a pow-wow in the car about it and he said, if I just asked him, we wouldn't have to let it get to that point.

But my issue is, I want it to come sincerely from HIM. Hell, I even went over this issue when I was seeing a therapist during those awful post partum months. It's very clear I have a BIG problem when I expect people (mainly DH) to anticipate my needs.

Anyone else in this boat??? How do I get over the fact that I don't want to have to ask? That I just want it to come from him. I really only ask when it's really really necessary, but that's when the resentment sets in that he just isn't aware on his own.

Anyone else have a DH like that? More than happy to help but needs to be asked?

Am I just ridiculous here? Does anybody get my drift? TIA

Message edited 5/29/2011 8:46:04 PM.

Re: Does anyone else have trouble asking for help, besides me??

Nope, not ridiculous at all....DH is the same way. I found that he was more "willing" to help when we only had our first. I still had to ask him from time to time & he caught on quite quickly.

Now with the two boys, you would think he would be more inclined to help! NOPE! We had a similar situation this afternoon after coming in from our pool. I was feeding our little guy & I said to DH as he brought in our older one, "you need to change him out of his swimsuit & put his clothes back on him" He looked at me like "huh" & said "you can do it!" Sure enough, an evil eye made him do it!

I don't know how to get over the "asking" stage either. I just expect him to do it like he expects me to handle the day to day when he is not around.

Re: Does anyone else have trouble asking for help, besides me??

I feel like I wrote this lol.. This is me and dh to a t. We have the same convo all the time, and now with two, its getting out of hand. I always wonder how my kids would survive if I wasnt around either doing everything or telling him what to do. I dont have advice bc we cant break this cycle, bur just wanted to tell u, I understand

Re: Does anyone else have trouble asking for help, besides me??

I think this is a super-common problem women have with men. And I totally relate to you not wanting to have to even ask him for help - you want him to pitch in on his own.

Re: Does anyone else have trouble asking for help, besides me??

I've had this convo so many times. Just the other night it got brought up again. He always says, all you need to do is ask. and I always say, why do i need to ask? I cant keep track of everything with DD, plus work, plus house stuff, plus bills etc etc AND have to remind or ask you to do something. I feel like a mother to him sometimes. I would just like him to notice something and jump in and take care of it or help take care of it. But I dont think hes wired that way.

Re: Does anyone else have trouble asking for help, besides me??

Every single time we go to a party, this is DH. Today was no exception at my mom's. Even with DS not feeling well he was all over the place. I was running around after him this afternoon while DH was sitting on the deck BSing with my father, drinking a beer If I ask him to help, he helps. If I dont he figures I've got it covered. He then asked me if we were going to HIS parents tomorrow. It told him I couldnt take two days in a row and he should take DS to his dad's and I would stay home and relax with a beer by the pool

Re: Does anyone else have trouble asking for help, besides me??

I am in that terrible newborn stage the OP posted about! I have a "supermom" and "super-housewife" complex. DH and I have been at eachothers throats for the last few weeks b/c I think he should just know what to do....and know how to do it my way!
I am starting to realize he lacks that intuition (and mind reading skills) and I now ask him to participate more. Usually I give him 2 options so I don't feel like a demanding nag and he still feels like he is making a choice (it's toddler logic really). And then once he does it I convince myself that the way he did it is fine even though it's not MY WAY (or I re-do it when he isn't looking!

Re: Does anyone else have trouble asking for help, besides me??

Wow, there's a lot of us in the same boat, I guess. Thanks for adding your experiences.

And I am 100% with you on the super-mom thing. It's so ridiculous and I can't shake it- I never considered myself a control freak until I had a kid.

He honestly was totally baffled by our whole convo - it's so simple to him- if I need help, ask. No big deal. Why get upset.

And this was his solution for 'next time' - he drives, he has to watch her the whole time, and then we leave when he says. He was annoyed that I wasn't all for that. He just doesn't get the POINT and that's what is beyond annoying. But I think eventually he did. I know I just have to get over this crap and ask. I just hate doing it.

I just feel like the only way he is 100% responsible for her is if I am completely gone. And I know a big part of that is my fault because I'm always involved. Yesterday I actually tried to disappear to see what would happen...out on the deck, trying to have adult conversation, and then I see through the door, DH holding DD and she's crying because she couldn't find me.

Oh well, this stuff's a work in progress. to all of you with the same frustration.

Reminds me of when I first read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.... This is a classic case!!!