nixy
LIF Adult
Member since 9/06 1575 total posts
Name:
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funniest entertainment quotes of the year (long list)
JANUARY
''Uh, Jason...when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be 'Healthy' or 'Unhealthy.' Never 'Bangin' Double Ds.'''
J.D. (ZACH BRAFF), ADDRESSING ONE OF HIS INTERNS, ON SCRUBS
''I'm not smart enough to debate you point to point, but I have the feeling about 60 percent of what you say is crap.''
DAVID LETTERMAN TO GUEST BILL O'REILLY, ON THE LATE SHOW
''I want everybody to relax. You only have to be nice to black people for two more hours.''
PRESENTER CHRIS ROCK, AFTER POINTING OUT THAT THE 63RD ANNUAL GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS COINCIDED WITH MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. DAY
''This week, a 100-year-old Tennessee man got married for the third time, this time to a 68-year-old woman. When asked why he was marrying a woman 32 years his junior, the man said, 'Yes, I would love a sandwich.'''
'WEEKEND UPDATE''S AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''In an interview about his upcoming album, Kevin Federline said, 'My music will speak for itself.' He may be right, because the album is called This Really Sucks.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
FEBRUARY
''Oh, he's totally fine having his personal freedom slowly stripped away, as long as he's completely unaware that it's happening. Just like a true American.''
LORELAI (LAUREN GRAHAM), ABOUT LEASHING HER SKITTISH DOG, PAUL ANKA, ON GILMORE GIRLS
''You even made Locke take a swing at you. Hell, that's like getting Gandhi to beat his kids.''
SAWYER (JOSH HOLLOWAY) TO CHARLIE (DOMINIC MONAGHAN), ON LOST
''Hold on a second.... Jon, I'm being told Whittington's condition has now been upgraded from 'stable' to 'stable, but still shot in the face by the Vice President.'''
ED HELMS, FAKE REPORTING ON THE HEALTH OF HARRY WHITTINGTON FROM ''OUTSIDE A HOSPITAL IN CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS,'' ON THE DAILY SHOW
''Hoping to appeal to teenagers who say they are too busy to peel oranges, Sunkist is introducing a new pre-cut, pre-peeled snack version. Not to be outdone, Baskin Robbins has created a new coneless ice cream that your mother pre-chews and spits down your throat.''
BILL MAHER, ON REAL TIME
MARCH
''And none of those issues were ever a problem again.''
JON STEWART, AFTER THE MONTAGE OF CLIPS FROM ISSUE-ORIENTED MOVIES AT THE OSCARS
''There's civil war, totally, and it's a great sign. Look how fast Iraq is growing up. It took America almost a century to turn on itself. These guys? Three years. At this rate, in a couple of months, they'll let black people vote.''
CORRESPONDENT ROB CORDDRY, ON THE DAILY SHOW
''I swear to God, Cristina, I like you, I really do. But I grew up in a trailer park, and I am not above kicking your pampered little Beverly Hills ***. And I do mean physically kicking your ***.''
IZZIE (KATHERINE HEIGL) TO CRISTINA (SANDRA OH), ON GREY'S ANATOMY
''The National Enquirer has reported that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were married eight months ago by a chaplain in the Church of Scientology. The groom wore a casual linen suit, while the bride wore an expression of slowly awakening terror.''
DAVID SPADE, ON THE SHOWBIZ SHOW
APRIL
''Should I go and get a ruler?''
KATE (EVANGELINE LILLY), WITNESSING A MACHO-MAN STANDOFF BETWEEN JACK (MATTHEW FOX) AND SAWYER (JOSH HOLLOWAY), ON LOST
''The New York Post is reporting that on a recent airplane flight, Sharon Stone sat in a different section than her nine-month-old baby. When asked why they were seated separately, the baby said three words: 'Basic Instinct 2.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''American Idol judge Paula Abdul filed a police report accusing a man of assaulting her at a weekend party. Out of habit, she then added, 'But I loved his spirit — he put everything into it.'''
DAVID SPADE, ON THE SHOWBIZ SHOW
MAY
''I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.''
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), ON THE OFFICE
''It was announced this week that Rosie O'Donnell will replace Meredith Vieira on The View in September. The show will now be called The Obstructed View.''
TINA FEY, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''I swear to God, she's ruining vaginas for me.''
ALEX (JUSTIN CHAMBERS), ON HIS FORCED OB/GYN INTERNSHIP WITH ADDISON (KATE WALSH), ON GREY'S ANATOMY
''We've gone through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together.''
HOMER TO MARGE, AFTER SOMEONE ASKS THE DUO FOR MARRIAGE COUNSELING, ON THE SIMPSONS
''The latest Hollywood rumor is that Britney Spears has been writing poetry about her marriage. The rumor got started when Britney was overheard asking someone, 'What rhymes with deadbeat?'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
JUNE
''Ice Cube has joined Ludacris and 50 Cent in criticizing Oprah for not having rappers on her show. I mean, if there's three things my mother-in-law won't shut up about, it's pimps, ho's, and shooting a ***** in the face with a deuce-deuce.''
JOEL McHALE, ON THE SOUP
''The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can pair it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses in order to establish the extent of his influence, and, if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections.''
JON STEWART, ON THE DAILY SHOW
''You were in Baghdad for six hours! And you weren't even in the real Baghdad — you were in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy.''
JON STEWART, REACTING TO PRESIDENT BUSH'S TOUTING HIS TRIP TO IRAQ, ON THE DAILY SHOW
''Angelina Jolie says she is going to adopt another baby, but she hasn't decided if the baby will be black, Asian, or white. Jolie said, 'I'm gonna spend the weekend looking at swatches.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
JULY
''Britney Spears announced she's thinking of moving from Beverly Hills to Louisiana. Meanwhile, Kevin Federline announced he's thinking of moving from the couch in the living room to the couch in the den.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''I told the producers I'd give my left nut to host this thing.''
LANCE ARMSTRONG, IN HIS OPENING MONOLOGUE, ON THE 2006 ESPY AWARDS
''President Bush has been very clear that through his leadership, he has made the world safer.... my question to you is simply this: How much safer can the world afford to have him make us?''
JON STEWART, INTERVIEWING SEN. JOHN MCCAIN, ON THE DAILY SHOW
''Lance Bass — formerly of 'N Sync — announced on the cover of People magazine he is, in fact, gay. Lance, are you sure this isn't like the time you wanted to be an astronaut?''
JOEL MCHALE, ON THE SOUP
AUGUST
''You'd love jail. You could work out, wear ugly clothes, kiss boys...''
WILL, COMMENTING ON THE UNFULFILLED CRIMINAL POTENTIAL OF HIS IN-HOUSE HARASSER HOWIE, ON BIG BROTHER: ALL-STARS
''In a recent interview, Jessica Simpson is quoted as saying, 'I have amazing boobs.' Unfortunately, Jessica was responding to a question, 'What do you think about the conflict in the Middle East?'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''K-Fed is starting his own record label, Federation Records, and his upcoming album will be its first release. It will be interesting to see how he manages to get dropped from his own label.''
JOEL McHALE, ON THE SOUP
''I don't go hunting for celebrity babies. I have 116 other things to do, thank you, Billy. You need another job. I mean, you have potential as a human being. This may not be right for you. Seriously, can you focus on other things?''
JEREMY PIVEN, TO PRESHOW HOST BILLY BUSH, WHO ASKED IF PIVEN HAD MET VIOLET AFFLECK OR SURI CRUISE, ON THE 2006 EMMY RED CARPET SPECIAL
SEPTEMBER
''Donald Trump has fired his trusty left-hand girl, Carolyn Kepcher....When George Ross was asked to comment on the situation, he said, 'I like peas when they're crushed up.'''
JOEL McHALE, ON THE SOUP
''Last night, Katie Couric debuted as the anchor of the CBS Evening News, and at the end of the broadcast she asked viewers to recommend a signature sign-off. So far the front-runner is 'Stay tuned for some kind of CSI.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''In the West Bank, a group calling itself the Lions of Monotheism firebombed four churches, telling the Associated Press, 'The attacks...were carried out to protest the Pope's remarks linking Islam and violence.' The irony — and this is often the case, we find — was completely lost on them.''
JON STEWART, ON THE DAILY SHOW
OCTOBER
''On this week's Dancing with the Stars, one of the contestants snagged her dress on something and accidentally exposed her rear end. Fortunately, no one noticed, because everyone on that show looks like an ***.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Earlier today, Bob Woodward's new book came out, and it claims the Bush administration has bungled the war in Iraq. When reached for comment, President Bush said, 'Just one more reason to hate books.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Earlier this week, a man named his newborn son ESPN because one of the man's favorite things to watch is ESPN. The baby is happy, healthy, and already home with his brother Porn.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Young man, I don't know where that's been, but I can say with absolute certainty it won't be going anywhere near my mouth.''
EMILY (KELLY BISHOP), WHEN ASKED TO BLOW INTO A BREATHALYZER BY A POLICE OFFICER, ON GILMORE GIRLS
''You'd like it. Puppies get killed.''
SAWYER (JOSH HOLLOWAY), DESCRIBING OF MICE AND MEN TO BUNNY-KILLING HENRY GALE (MICHAEL EMERSON), ON LOST
NOVEMBER
''McDreamy is doing the McNasty with McHottie? That McBastard!''
GEORGE (T.R. KNIGHT), TRYING TO TALK LIKE CRISTINA (SANDRA OH), ON GREY'S ANATOMY
''I always knew the branch would shut down some day; I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.''
JIM (JOHN KRASINSKI), AFTER HEARING THAT THE SCRANTON BUREAU WAS CLOSING, ON THE OFFICE
''Lawyers in Germany are trying to have Donald Rumsfeld arrested and tried for war crimes. You know things are bad when Germany is accusing you of war crimes.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''So how have you been, Preston? Last time I saw you, you stole my patient's heart. Then you got shot. Karma rocks.''
RIVAL HEART SURGEON DR. HAHN (BROOKE SMITH), TO DR. BURKE (ISAIAH WASHINGTON), ON GREY'S ANATOMY
DECEMBER
''No, I don't have a gambling problem. I'm winning, and winning is not a problem. That's like saying Michael Jordan has a basketball problem, or Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem.''
EARL (JASON LEE), ON MY NAME IS EARL
''Trust me, Bart — it's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them.''
MILHOUSE, TO BART, AFTER BART SAW HIS PARENTS GETTING BUSY, ON THE SIMPSONS
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