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jersee3380
He's here!!
Member since 5/05 1372 total posts
Name: caroline
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George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
the last one is great!
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES 2006 > > > New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for > classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to > people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly > like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of > the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. > > New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out > a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting > all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of > Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What > did you expect it to contain? Trout? > > New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex > with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently > damaged. I have a better description for these kids: > lucky bastards. > > New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect > baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the > cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown > man , they're pictures of men. > > New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's > how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two > of them? Okay, we're done. > > New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. > There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, > water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but > flavored water is called a soft drink. You want > flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it > melt. That's your flavored water. > > New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is > introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, > with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. > And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, > his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, > Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. > > New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, > the bigger the *** hole. If you walk into a Starbucks > and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced > vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra > dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one > NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *** hole. > > New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up > from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing > "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't > want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid > who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there > eating my Almond Joy. > > New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese > characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's > right above the crack of your ***. And it translates > to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did > anything spiritual, you were praying to God you > weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just > high. > > New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one > of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the > US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those > athletes at the poker table was just too damned > exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. > They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard > Stern Show." > > New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra > hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. > > New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies > based on crappy, old television shows, then you have > to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can > see what's playing on the other screens. Let's > remember the reason something was a television show in > the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to > be a movie. > > New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used > to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new > homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the > stuff you want and having other people buy it for you > isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of > looting >
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Posted 4/19/06 2:53 PM |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
RottieMommy
LIF Infant
Member since 4/06 56 total posts
Name: Helena
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
I love this man! I'm convinced he should run for president These are awesome - thanks for sharing!
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Posted 4/19/06 2:59 PM |
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IrishTracy
Believe!!
Member since 5/05 15167 total posts
Name: Tracy
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
The man is brilliant!!
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Posted 4/19/06 3:01 PM |
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LI2VA
Love my life!!
Member since 11/05 3125 total posts
Name: Melissa
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
these are the best! I love that guy!
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Posted 4/19/06 3:10 PM |
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Tah-wee-ZAH
Kisses
Member since 5/05 15952 total posts
Name:
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, > the bigger the *** hole. If you walk into a Starbucks > and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced > vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra > dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one > NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *** hole.
So true. This is why I only order Black Green Tea when at Starbucks
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Posted 4/19/06 3:27 PM |
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mrsmck
Be a big girl!
Member since 5/05 4898 total posts
Name: Donna
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
God, I love George!!!!!
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Posted 4/19/06 3:32 PM |
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SweetestOfPeas
J'taime Paris!
Member since 3/06 32345 total posts
Name:
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
I LOVE George Carlin
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Posted 4/19/06 3:48 PM |
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Snozberry
I might steal your diamonds
Member since 2/06 4680 total posts
Name: Melissa
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
I can read this over and over again and it just gets funnier.
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Posted 4/19/06 3:49 PM |
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SoinLove
Making big changes
Member since 5/05 16541 total posts
Name: Kristin
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
Hilarious
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Posted 4/19/06 3:54 PM |
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Lisa
I'm a PANK!!!
Member since 5/05 22334 total posts
Name: Professional Aunts No Kids
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
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Posted 4/19/06 4:03 PM |
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leighla
Support Cancer Research
Member since 5/05 16353 total posts
Name: Lauren
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
DH will LOVE this one:
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
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Posted 4/19/06 4:05 PM |
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DebG
Pick a cause & stand up for it
Member since 5/05 18602 total posts
Name: The cure IS worse!
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
SOO funny I was cracking up at my desk. So much so that three seperate people came over to check on me.
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Posted 4/19/06 4:16 PM |
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lorich
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Member since 6/05 9987 total posts
Name: Grammie says "Lora Gina"
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
LOVE ALL of them!
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Posted 4/19/06 4:23 PM |
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VirginiaDeb
Don't eat me, hippo!
Member since 5/05 9252 total posts
Name: Deb
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules of 2006
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Posted 4/19/06 6:25 PM |
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