Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

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Message edited 9/2/2009 11:56:21 AM.

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

I would have a big problem with what your mom did as well.
If she is getting all kinds of conflicting signals when she is acting out, she is not going to learn the proper way to behave. Especially if you tell her one thing and then grandma tells her something else.
I do not think this a case of not appreciating what your mom does for you, it is a case of her totally overriding the way you discipline your daughter.
I think you should have a heart-to-heart with your mom when everything is calm and there are no kids around and tell why you feel the way you do. Maybe you can come with a plan together and that way she feels part of it? You can tell her how important it is to be consistent.

I hope it works out.

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

WOW!

I would have MASSIVE, I mean MASSIVE issues with my mother if she did that. I would nip that right in the bud. YOU are the mother. YOU. What YOU say goes. To damn bad. I (and I mean me peronally) would have brought DS right back into time out and would have lashed out at my mother infront of the family and put her in HER place. How dare she. JMO

Good luck!

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

I would be annoyed too if I were you. She is totally undermining you. I do see where she is coming from, she'll do whatever it takes to keep DD happy , but at the same time, You are in charge of disciplining. I would have a chat with her when everything is calm adn explain to her why you do the things you do with your DD. I don't see what anythng has to do with you being a spoiled brat though.

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

See I have tried in the past to quietly talk to her - but every time I try she turns it on me that I'm ungrateful for her help etc. The problem is no matter how I try to tell her - she doesn't see it as undermining me (she says that is bs) and that the time to discipline is at HOME and when you are OUT you should just keep them quiet (whatever that takes). But I totally disagree - I feel you need to do it consistently home or not if possible. When we go out to eat and DD get fussy I remove her from the area so she doesn't bother other people I don't cater to her so she will be quiet. I DO make sure when we go out that I bring toys, books etc to keep her occupied so she isn't bored or ignored - but if she is screeching or misbehaving I remove her to not disturb others.

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

Here is where it becomes a problem when relying on the help of a parent. She is undermining your authority and for me, I could never handle that. That's why I will likely never have my own mother watch DD.

If you don't NEED her help, I would not take it, esp if she shows a blatant lack of regard for your wishes with your child. And when I say NEED< I mean NEED< like watching your DC if you had to work to support your family. But just to "help" here or there, as tough as it is, to me things like this make it so not worth it.

I have never had anyone watch DD other than DH (9 mths already) for reasons like this. I just can't tolerate being undermined and challenged.

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

Ugh, I can't say it any better than the other ladies here already have. I'm sorry she put you in that position...it sux

I would absolutely have to say something though.

Maybe something like,

Mom, I don't know what I'd do without you, you're such a huge help for us. You've done a great job raising me, but now it's my turn to raise my dd. I appreciate your advice, but when I discipline her, she needs to learn that I'm the boss and that grandma isn't going to come rescue her. She needs to learn that sometimes the answer is 'no', company or no company. I don't want to create a situation where she's going to end up "that kid" in school.


GL

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

That is a very tough position to be in. For me personally, I'd risk losing her help. I realize that would be a huge inconvenience to you but IMO if she's undermining you, she's NOT helping.

At the same time, my mother has no real power in our relationship because I refuse to give her any, so it's very easy for me to say this.

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

Can you try explaining to your mom that because she sees her so often and is such a big part of her life that you consider her to be helping to raise your child and therefore when you are over her house it's not the same as if you were "out" like at a restaurant where you would be more prone to have anything go for the sake of being quiet?

It might make your mom feel more special too, like she is in the "inner sanctum" of people that are raising your DD and want to participate more in the discipline type stuff. I know putting it that way would work on my mom because she wants as close of a connection as she can have to DD.

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

The worst part was that my father apologized last night quietly when we were putting the kids in the car saying she means well.

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

actually I find that to be the best part of the scenario. At least you have him on your side. in the long run, that will make your convo easier knowing that you have his support

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)

Re: Grandparent undermining your authority? (please don't quote I might remove)