help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

i'm 32, my husband is 33, we've been trying to have a baby for the past four years. we conceived naturally three times but lost our babies within the first six to eight weeks.... had bloodwork done, they found i was borderline protein S deficient, a blood disorder... i was put on heparin during my third pregnancy but still miscarried... which confused us even more... our RE told us he had no clue what was going on... he said IVF with PGD wouldn't help us because he can just look at the embryos and tell which ones were healthy and which were not... turns out this doctor was quite wrong

we moved to long island in 2007, started seeing Dr. K at LIIVF (he's great by the way) we aggressively pursued IVF because at this point, we weren't getting pregnant on our own, it had been a year since my last miscarriage. i was on baby aspirin and folgard.

Dr. K did a hysteroscopy and found i had fibroids and perhaps this was preventing my embryos from implanting correctly..... so he removed them and we were all set for IVF.

we started IVF this July into August and insisted on PGD.... that was the best decision of my infertile life.... after my egg retrieval, 5 fertilized and looked microscopically perfect.... until we got a call from the office telling us all of the embryos were abnormal and our transfer was cancelled.

it was a terrible blow to us, but a blessing in a way. if i hadn't had the PGD done, they would have transferred two of those perfect looking embryos and frozen three... i would have miscarried and endured another D&C with risk of scarring and all that jazz..... after that i would have gone through FET for the last three and suffered the same.

so in reality, that PGD saved us from a lot of heartache. i do feel a little guilty for having abnormal embryos destroyed, even though i realize they wouldn't have survived anyway, the chromosomal abnormalities were above and beyond abnormal, we're not talking down's syndrome here, they all had multiple sets of triple, quadruple chromosomes where there should be only a pair.

in any case, that's probably the end of my fertility story. we are going to check my husband's sperm for any abnormalities, but more than likely the problem is with the eggs.... .so where do we go from here?

egg donor? our insurance doesn't cover anything related to infertility.... IVF with egg donor costs 10 thousand dollars more than IVF, bringing our cost to $30,000...... it's hard to think about spending $30,000 on a 50% chance of getting pregnant, and with a history of recurrent miscarriages, the likelihood of me carrying a baby to term is probably 20%

now for the emotional roller coaster.... it seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant, as i'm going through all this infertility heartache.... i do not feeling like socializing with people with children... all they talk about is their children's activities, school, baby sitters...etc...

i hate being this way, i'm a very social person, but i'm slowly going into a shell..... i've started meeting people who are single and childless, or other childless couples.... i feel like i'm letting my friends with kids down... but i can't help it

there's one thing that i probably will do, is go back to drinking caffeine, it was my only addiction and i had to stop because of all this infertility issue.........

any stories of encouragement are welcome, i need all you can give.... tell me if i should try another cycle with my own eggs and hope one is normal..... or should we just save and go for the donor egg thing....

in the meantime, grande latte here i come..

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

I'm so sorry for your losses. I know just what you're going through. I have an issue similar to yours, although its not the same. I have a chromosome disorder called a recipricol balanced translocation. I've done 2 IVF cycles with Dr. K. First cycle I retrieved 12 eggs, 6 fertilized. 3 embryos had unbalanced translocation, 3 had other anamolies like trisomy 18 and downs, and 1 was "normal." The normal embryo was only a 6 cell by day 5 but they transferred it anyway. It must have had something else wrong with it because that cycle ended in a chemical.

Second IVF cycle with PGD I had 14 eggs, 7 fertilized, all unbalanced translocations, transfer cancelled.

Right now I'm doing lots of injectable IUIs and praying for that one good egg to drop. I've had 4 chemicals and 2 miscarriages which resulted in D&Cs in the last year and a half. I know where you are and I know where you've been

Personally, I think if you have come to terms with doing donor egg, and if this will be your last course of IF treatment, than that's what I'd go for. If you can afford it, anyway. It seems you have no issue carrying a baby, you just don't have the right eggs in there.

And I completely understand your feelings of not wanting to be social with friends with kids. I feel the same way, and many of my friends do have kids.

Hang in there. Just know we're all here if you need to talk. FM me any time

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

I don't have any similar stories or a similar problem, but I DO know how hard it is to lose a baby. I'm so sorry you have to go through this

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

My story sounds similar to your's. We did PGD in the July/August cycle and all came back abnormal. I know how devastating it must have been, as I went through it. I am keeping you in my thoughts.

I totally understand how you feel about being around other people with kids. I was at a BBQ this weekend and everyone was talking about their kids going back to school, kindergarten, etc. It was very hard.

Message edited 8/20/2008 9:23:04 AM.

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

I don't know what to say...I know how difficult this gets after a while and you just want to give up.
But, it's a very personal decision and you have to make the one that's right for you. DE is a great option because you really have a much better than 50% chance of getting PG, especially since you've been getting PG with your own eggs.
As far as friends and babies...I don't know what to say. I've learned to detach myself from the situation in regards to my IF issues, but it took me a long time.

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

I'm so sorry for your situation. You seem to have a great handle on things and Dr. K is great. I wish you well.

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and for your losses. Sometimes I feel like i cannot deal also. I have been contemplating DE recently and trying to get "OK" with it. Our RE gave me one more chance to do IVF with our own eggs. I had a m/c last year after getting pg after an HSG test. I cannot seem to get pregnant again after 6 IUI's and 2 IVF's. Its all me also. Bad eggs. I've been doing acupuncture and Chinese herbs for the past 2-3 months. Along with other holistic supplements. Is it doing anything? I have no idea, only time will tell. But, it does make me feel like I'm doing something.

We probably should start a mini group for DE, so we can all discuss it. (I don't think there is one?).

If money was no issue (which I wish it wasn't), I would say do one more cycle with your eggs. But, since it is an issue and these failed cycles add up quickly, I would probably look into DE. As least explore your emotions towards it. Its only a little more in the big picture of life and it seems that if this is the way to get what you need, then the money will work itself out over time. I always use my lottery scenario. Ok the money is a lot now but if you won the $40m lottery in 5 years and you looked back and money is not an issue, would you be upset that you didn't spend the extra $10k to try? Does that make any sense?

Good luck. If you want to talk DE FM me. Maybe we can help each other.

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

i am so sorry that you are going through all of this.

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

thank you so much all of you for offering words of support and sharing your stories with me... it really helps knowing there are women out there who are going through similar issues... sometimes i tend to think i'm the only one and go through that self pity phase...

you ladies are very strong to have pursued multiple IVF cycles... one was quite traumatic for me, i may try one more time with my own messed up eggs, we have to set up an appointment with Dr. K when he comes back to discuss it....

i will be pm'ing a few of you ladies who are in the same boat as me, to discuss the donor egg situation

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

you have gotten some great advice, and the only thing I can add is you will know when you are done. 3 cycles ago I would have said I would keep going until it worked. Now, I know I can handle no more and have decided to take other steps to get what I want.

Money being an issue, I would carefully think about where an another IVF with PGD would leave you financially as it is much riskier than IVF with DE

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

Just wanted to send some

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. Here are and

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

Wish I had some answers for you.

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

I've said it before and I'll say it again, always go with your gut.

Re: help, i don't think i can deal with all this anymore :(

I am so sorry you're going through this..I can totally relate to what your feeling about being the only one who can't get pregnant though. Hang in there..I believe there is a time for everyone..it's just unfortunate..we have to wait a lot longer..