How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

Hi ladies!
I'm on this board looking for some serious expertise and advice.

DH and I are going to be TTC this summer. We have close friends who had a baby this past Oct.
Basically since having their son, their relationship has been rocky to say the least.

Today I visited them and was to hear the way they speak to each other. For example, after she and I went out alone for a bit and returned to him not havinf fed or changed the baby, she told him " And this is why I knew I shouldnt leave you with MY son!"

She's also made the comment to me many time that "he's mistaken if he thinks I need him. My whole life is about this little man right here (baby). I wouldnt be upset if my marriage failed, as long as I have him (baby).


I know that your life changes when you have child but please offer me some insight as to what my DH and I can expect as far as our relationship goes- We already have talked about having date nights and getaways with granparents babysitting and such. I have to admit that this is the ONE thing that terrifies me about TTC DH is my best friend and my soulmate.

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

The lamazze lady told us one very important thing ...remember YOU came first, not the baby, u must foster that relationship

We have date nights and we are going on a trip to Italy w/o baby

You have to talk about non baby things

Also...a very good source of advice..my bikini waxer said, "You left your parents house, didnt u? so will your son one day"...take care of your hubbie

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

My mom said something similar!

Honestly seeing DH with DS as a caring and attentive father has been wonderful and having this little person has given us more of a bond than I ever imagined.

It's a cliche, but def. date night and time together! It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Tom and I went to Cheesecake Factory and walked around B&N and had a great time

Remember to treat e/o with the same courtesy we do our friends. It's waaay to easy to take your SO for granted! Appreciate the little things.

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

There's absolutely no denying that most marriages will take a hit in the first 6-8 months. Your world is turned upside down by the arrival of a baby - that, compounded with lack of sleep, well, it's tough.

Once the dust settles, the most important thing, in my mind, is to refocus on the marriage. Too many people I know lose themselves in their baby - baby becomes their whole world and everything comes second. Yes, my daughter is a very, VERY important piece of my life, but she isn't my ENTIRE life. I can honestly say, yes, my marriage DOES come first, and I say it proudly because I also know that it's the greatest gift I can give to my daughter - the model of a healthy, focused, loving, attentive marriage where we are as important to one another as we are in our role of mother and father.

It doesn't matter how you keep that focus -whether it's date nights, reconnecting at the end of each day, making sure you have dinner together, or even just stealing a few private phone calls to each other during the work day - whatever works for you as a couple to show one another that you're both still important to one another.

All I can say is try not to lose that focus, but also be forgiving of yourselves in those first few months of hell

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

work together!
communicate!
appreciate each other!
remember that it's not a competition to see who does the most work, as long as you are both doing something!

your friend's marriage sounds like it wasn't all that great before the baby. Not all relationships are like that!

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

My Mom always told me "You fit the baby into your life, not your life into the baby's" It has proven to be true. We love our children to death but we remember to revolve our lives around each other. Its not always easy. We are blessed to have great parents who will watch our kids when we need a "Date night" or just a night to go shopping alone. Its great that you already have these feelings before a baby. Some people are blindsided and I think thats the people who have the problems. Yes, your life will change but since your aware of it, it will change for the better..

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

I agree with a lot of what has been said. I also want to add that my marriage has remained Awesome- with a capital A- due to the fact that I let the "village" help raise my children. Someone once told me that you can never have too many people around to love your child and I took this to heart.

My in-laws take my older daughter for a sleepover about once a week. She gets spoiled there- toys, fun activities, forbidden foods, etc...It is so exciting for her and she begs me to go often. We take that opportunity to go out to dinner and re-focus.

I also honestly have full time live-in help Tuesday through Saturday night now with 2 children and this has been amazing! We go out in the evenings when the kids are asleep and have dinner, grab a glass of wine, catch a movie or sit outside or something. Also, often, I don't have to nag my husband about doing stuff with the baby, cleaning up, pitching in, etc. So he is a happy camper.

HTH!

Message edited 5/28/2008 2:39:06 AM.

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

my marriage took a hit...but it was a ton of things combined in with bringing home baby.

Moved to a state where I knew no one while i was pregnant.

Have worked since 13, then all of a sudden I was unemployed.

DH and I were absolute best friends since HS, then started seeing each other, it was VERY hard for the duo to become a trio.

At 8 months, things started to change for the better.

I have always been against watching TV in bed...however last week we broke down and bought one. We live in a tiny apt, Baby's room is right off living room, so we could never really watch TV or movies at night without having tv low.

So, now we look forward to his nights off, put Josh down and hop in bed and put a movie on. Its been a nice fun escape. When we get a house, the TV will go in the bathroom though, I don't trust this situation totally, but I will give it a try for now.

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!!! That's my best advice. I am not going to lie, it has been hard, but it is always worse when we don't talk about what is going on. We had another big talk about it on Sunday and it already has made a world of difference. It helps to not become resentful and angry, but instead we better understand how this new role has affected each of us and our relationship. On a positive note, it is so wonderful to see the relationship between my DD and DH grow each day.

We also try and get some time to ourselves. Our family often volunteers to watch our DD so we can get a break even if it is a short one. We are even planning a vacation away without her (she'll be 7mos when it occurs). It will be hard but it will be so good for us!

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

Date nights! I know how hard it is to be away from your kids, but Date Night is IMPERATIVE!! even if it's to get a cup of coffee, bike ride, walk, ANYTHING that involves you two getting together with nothing else. I also think that getaways just the two of you are important too!

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

The first few months are stressful just because you both suddenly are overwhelmed with new responsibilities, aren't sleeping well, are just learning the ropes, etc. It's definitely just a "this too shall pass" phase.

For us, the things that have kept our marriage strong and satisfying are:

- Date night! Once every month or two, my parents watch DS overnight and we go to dinner, have the night and the next morning to ourselves. It's always so fun. Sometimes in between, they'll watch DS just for an hour or two on the weekend and we'll have "date lunch" instead. It's still a fun escape.

- Try to talk SOMETIMES about things other than your DC, lol.

- I know this isn't everybody's situation, but for me I think becoming a SAHM was actually good for our marriage. DH was always in favor of it and we planned for it by living on one income since we got married, so financially it wasn't painful. But I think overall it feels good for both of us to have the "division of labor", where he can focus on succeeding at work and doesn't have to worry about household details or having to take a day off DS is sick etc, and I can focus on DS and the house and not have to worry about earning money. Neither one of us feels like we have to "be everything to everyone", kwim?

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

we have date night (or date day). it keeps us both sane. gives us a chance to sit at the bar and have a drink. or see a movie. or just have a peaceful dinner. it makes our week go more smoothly. my marriage took a huge hit during months 1-3. then we talked it all out and established date night. things have been so much better since then.

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

I don't know if I'm the best person to give advice on this topic since I just posted about having problems a few weeks ago! DH and I had a really solid relationship before DS, but having a baby definitely has hurt our relationship. I'm hopingIf it's temporary, and we have been getting along better lately.

One thing I'm learning is that I can't expect him to just know what needs to be done for DS or what needs to be done around the house. If I ask him to do something, he will usually do it without discussion, but he won't just realize "oh, we have no bottles. Maybe I should make some," stuff like that. So now that I'm asking him to do things more often, we are arguing less. I'm not crazy about the taskmaster role either, but it's better than doing it all myself.

Date night probably helps. We haven't done that yet, and need to find someone we can trust to babysit. What I do find helps is both of us getting out now and then by ourselves. I always miss DH and the baby when I come home and feel refreshed, so even if you can't get out together, try to get out on your own when you can. We've tried planning romantic evenings at home after DS goes to bed, but you have to accept that very often, plans need to be forgotten.

I think having a baby is one of the biggest life adjustments you can make, way bigger than marriage or living together. So it's hard on both people. And for the first few months, I think you have to accept that things just won't be great between the two of you. Once you both start sleeping more, that helps.

Good luck ttc!

Re: How do you keep your marriage strong with a baby/kids?

Thank you ladies!

It makes me feel better to know that not everyone reacts in the way my friend has and that what I thought will help the situation is what you all basically said.