how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

Do you feel like you and DH have drifted apart since DC was born? I've been feeling this way lately and it makes me really sad. I'm afraid to say anything to DH though because then it's admitting that there's something "wrong" and I don't know if I can face it. I just feel like every day we go through the motions...get up and get ready for work, work, i come home, he comes home, eat, put baby to bed and then we end up doing our own thing at night. It's hard because we both need a break and alone time so that seems to take priority for both of us lately and "us" time is on the back burner. We've only been married 3.5 years and I'm surprised that this is happening to us already. What's going to happen to us in 10 or 20 years?! Does anyone else feel this way? What would you do? What DO you do to keep things "alive" with DH? TIA

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

Yes, honestly for the first 2 or 2 1/2 years things were pretty rough. We drifted apart a lot. We always made time for each other at the end of the day to watch tv or something but even that became very routine. But after a few big fights, a lot of talks, and just the baby getting a little older, things are MUCH better now. We both realized that we wanted things to be back to the way they were pre baby and there was no reason why we couldn't have that. Its amazing what a little text message in the middle of the day or an unexpected I love you can do. Good luck!

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

Up until very recently I felt that way.. the whole new baby thing was compounded by my dh getting promoted and moving to the night shift... but now that i work one night and he works five i think we have found it especially important to find us time... even if it is just cuddling on the couch... i think thebest thing we did was go get our taxes done.. we dropped ds off at grandmas and well, an hur tax appoinment resulted in dinner and then going to dave and busters for a few hours... since then we have definitely refound the spark...

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

I think because DH and I are pretty equal caretakers (we work opposite schedules so no need for childcare), we both understand and have no misconceptions about the other's duties. So- there's no arguments there.

BUT- because we work opposite schedules, the downside is we have NO days off together and the majority of our time together is spent taking care of our 2 little ones. As exhausted as we are, we ALWAYS make time at least once a week to be alone and <ahem> *reconnect*. Yes, at times it's rushed and definitely not as spontaneous as before kids, but afterwards I'm always reminded of why I fell in love with him.

This is where the whole "marriage is work" line comes into play.

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

i think we could very easily fall into that rut, but DH and i make it a point to do everything together at night. we both feed and play with DS, we both bathe him (even if DH just stands there waiting with the towel ) and we both put him to bed. then we eat dinner together and DH gets some downtime while i do the dishes, then we watch our recorded shows together, have something sweet for dessert, and go to bed. once in a while we'll watch a movie and have some wine/beer. on rare occasions we'll go out for a couple of drinks and watch the game.

it's never anything super exciting but it's the doing things together that helps us maintain our relationship - while we're doing all these things the conversations naturally flows and we can catch up.

i am not saying it's always easy - i have my nights where i can't pull myself away from the computer, and he has his nights where he goes out with friends without me. plus there are nights when i am tired and cranky and want to rip his head off but that's rare.

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

I simply accepted the fact that the nature of our relationship has changed and will never be the same again. That doesn't mean it isn't wonderful, it is simply different. Once people can accept that relationships change, I think they are in a better place than if they try to maintain what once was.

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

The first year or so is very hard. Your lives have changed completely and now you have to share each other with this wonderful little person that needs you all the time. Use this time to learn about each other and develop your patience which you will need down the road You will get through it and will emerge through this wonderful tough time so much stronger! I have to say, that it is now, after 18 months that we really appreciate and tolerate each other so much more. It'll get better, I promise!

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

I would say the first 18 months were really rough on us. This time last year things were really bad and I thought we were heading towards divorce. We were fighting constantly and got to the point where we really had no interest in even spending time together. We started trying to get along better because we had a family vacation coming up. Well that was the turning point for us. It kind of snapped us back into reality of how much we love each other and how important our marriage is to both of us. I'm sure we will have ups and downs in the future too, but getting through that time made me remember how strong our love is.

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

Message edited 3/12/2009 11:04:33 PM.

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

Posted by Janice

Posted by Goldi0218

I simply accepted the fact that the nature of our relationship has changed and will never be the same again. That doesn't mean it isn't wonderful, it is simply different. Once people can accept that relationships change, I think they are in a better place than if they try to maintain what once was.

perfectly said. For 8 mos we blamed each other for not working hard enough to have what we once did.

Once it was realized that its never coming back, we definitely moved forward.

I have also made a very strong effort to put as much time and dedication into being a wife as I do a mother.

I also learned its okay that I usually intiate good times . After talking about it with him, I always look busy. I always am busy. So it never seemed like the right time to hit me up. So I took on the job with the condition of not being allowed to turn me down

The kids are temporary. They are going to be leaving. He's your life partner and your forever. He's your heart.

eta: its a lot of work, but show him the same attention you give to your baby. Ask him about work, even if you could care less. OMG...mine can go on and on...at 2:30 AM!

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

You HAVE to talk about this with DH every once in a while. Since DS was born, we have had maybe 4-5 REAL sit down talks. It's funny - it's like we drift at each stage of development and need to regroup. We had one a few months after he was born, when he was about 6 months old, maybe 9 months old, and then several during the toddler stage.

You get so wrapped up in being parents, its easy to forget when you were just the 2 of you. And when you start to remember, all this time goes by. And then you have a ridiculous argument about complete and utter bullshlt, and it makes you stop and say "Whoa - we need to talk."

If you are conscious of it, and make an effort - a REAL, mutual effort - that's where the maintenance fits in!!!

Message edited 3/13/2009 6:07:41 AM.

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

Once Emerson is in bed, which is always by 8pm, we have the whole night together to hang out, watch movies, talk........be our regular old selves. On the weekends we still always do everything together like we always did (food shopping, errands, etc) but with the little one in tow of course! DH and I have been together since we're 16 years old (so it's now been over 17 years!!) and we've ALWAYS been the best of friends and we've always done absolutely everything together and we made an effort after Emme was born to not change that. Our weekends are our family time together and our nights are our together time and since I am home during the day with the baby I try and get the household stuff done throughout the day so we can relax at night. Things are different of course with a baby in the house now but for the most part the two of us are still the same......just with a plus one!!

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

Thanks everyone ! I have come to realize since DD came along that marriage is definitely something you have to work at. I love DH and I know he loves me. It just gets hard when we are both working and trying to juggle so much. We both get tired and stressed out and the time just flies by! We have made time for "us" since DD was born but I think we need to do that more. I'm going to talk to DH this weekend and express my concerns and see what he thinks. I realize that our relationship is different now with DD and those of you who said I need to accept that are absolutely right. We LOVE being parents and we LOVE being parents TOGETHER. I want to give my DD a loving, united family, since I know how important that is being that my parents divorced when I was 4. Thanks again to all for sharing their wisdom and experiences with me !

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

We started to feel the same way--especially at night.

So we implemented "No TV Tuesday" and "No Computer Wed"--this helps us reconnect during the week

We also make it a point to have date nights at least once a month--dinner out or party with friends

Its definately hard but we try to do it

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

I think DD has brought us closer. Sharing all her milestones, and her great personality -- we both adore her and that gives us just one more thing to love about the other.

Date night -- embrace it. I always feel so great after a date night - even if we just go for a drive. Or if we don't have a sitter, we put DD to bed and then have a late dinner together, pop in a Netflix that we BOTH want to see. But beforehand we say "Let's have a date night" so even tho we don't GO anywhere, we set ourselves up for a little time together.

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

The first year or so we made every Thursday night our night. I made dinner (or we ordered in) rented a movie or watched our shows.

Now, I think we have gotten into a much better routine with things all together so we don't necessarily need the designated night anymore. We try to go out to dinner at least once a month. We also spend the entire weekends together with Jack. On the weekends we switch days sleeping in - so we both feel a little bit more refreshed that day. I think it's about considering what the other person needs.

I do have to say though I love him even more after seeing him with Jack....he is the most amazing father and that has seemed to let alot of the other things I would normally nag him about take a backseat.

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

Message edited 3/13/2009 10:30:27 AM.

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

We make sure to spend adult time together each night (well most nights - b.c DH has to bring work home some nights) - after DD goes to bed and that helps a lot.

We haven't felt the need to vacation without DD yet - and we might not ever for more than 1-3 nights- but instead we DO regular date nights every 2-3 weeks sometimes more often- my parents will take DD at night for a few hours and we will do dinner and some alone time. My parents also will take her for 2-3 hours every weekend during the day to play with her - so we use that time to do something just for us.

B.c I'm having a c-section again and will be in the hospital for a few nights and DH will be staying with me at night DD will be sleeping at my parents home. So my parents have been taking her one weekend night a month or so to get her used to sleeping at their home. So we also use this as our adult alone time.

Honestly it hasn't been too bad. In the beginning it was a bit rough only b.c DD had bad reflux and colic so there was a lot of crying - which was harder but that was only a short time and we were able to get into a better routine.

Dh does a lot around the house - but honestly isn't a computer person or a game person - so when DD is asleep he prefers to spend that time cuddling and talking with me.

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

Posted by Hofstra26

Once Emerson is in bed, which is always by 8pm, we have the whole night together to hang out, watch movies, talk........be our regular old selves. On the weekends we still always do everything together like we always did (food shopping, errands, etc) but with the little one in tow of course! Our weekends are our family time together and our nights are our together time Things are different of course with a baby in the house now but for the most part the two of us are still the same......just with a plus one!!

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

DATE NIGHT.....Once a week we leave DS with sitter or family and go to a romantic dinner and movie. It's amazing how one night can make such a huge diffrence plus not to include it gets you up and dressy so you feel like a human again!!!!!!

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

With DH being on a schedule that can change every week sometimes - maintaining our marriage has been a stretch at times but we wanted a family, went through hell and back to have what we have and sometimes will let the time we spend together take a backseat to everything else (but not neglecting each other in any way)
Doesn't mean we love each other any less and we know that. But we are focused on spending the time we do have as a family and he and I will use his nights off as "our time".

Yesterday we had a lunch date since that was the only time we could be alone together. He picked me up in his car with lunch and our wedding song playing on the radio. Took a little drive, ate and then walked hand in hand for the remaining time we had before bringing me back to work. May not be date night but we focused on each other for that hour and loved just being together.

Re: how do you maintain your marriage AND being a parent?

Posted by Hofstra26

Once Emerson is in bed, which is always by 8pm, we have the whole night together to hang out, watch movies, talk........be our regular old selves. On the weekends we still always do everything together like we always did (food shopping, errands, etc) but with the little one in tow of course! DH and I have been together since we're 16 years old (so it's now been over 17 years!!) and we've ALWAYS been the best of friends and we've always done absolutely everything together and we made an effort after Emme was born to not change that. Our weekends are our family time together and our nights are our together time and since I am home during the day with the baby I try and get the household stuff done throughout the day so we can relax at night. Things are different of course with a baby in the house now but for the most part the two of us are still the same......just with a plus one!!

Message edited 3/13/2009 11:50:52 AM.