How do you move on?

People keep telling me it will get better with time... I just feel like my pain changes as the days go by from sadness to anger and then back again.

I try to go out and be "normal" but that hurts even more - forcing myself and being fake. I know I am supposed to move forward but I just want to go back to a week and a half ago when my dreams were coming true and I was pregnant.

Part of me is anxious to try again but then I think about all the effort we put into becoming pregnant in the first place and the disappointment the months and months it didn't work and it overwhelms me.

I'm sorry, I know so many of you have been through so much more than I have, I just feel like my friends and family don't understand. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Re: How do you move on?

I'm going to tell you all the cliches that I've been told but honestly they're true.

It does take time. It's been 7 weeks since I lost my son. I was so hard on myself in the beginning feeling like I needed to get back to "normal". Truth is the "normal" that you were before your loss will never be the "normal" you will be after it. You will be changed forever but that's not a bad thing. You will never forget that baby.

Don't forget the grieving process isn't linear. You're going to move back and forth. I find myself saying I feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back. Just when I feel like I'm making progress I come crashing down again.

My good days are outweighing the bad days and that in itself caused all sorts of other feelings. I wanted to feel better so badly but then I started to and I felt guilty.

The range of emotions you go through after a loss is incredible.

Just remember there's no time frame for anything. I promise you won't be stuck in this pain forever and it will get easier.

Like I said I'm only 7 weeks out and it's already so much different than the first 3 weeks.

Feel free to FM if you need to talk. I've been lucky enough to find a great confidant in all of this and she has helped me immensly. To know that someone else has been there and knows what you're feeling sometimes brings the most comfort of all.

Friends and family will sympathize but unless they've been through it themselves they will NEVER know what it's like.

Re: How do you move on?

Thank you so much for your reply. I can only imagine the pain you must feel after losing your son and admire your strength.

I hate feeling this way and I know, logically, it will get better with time, I just can't seem to get a good grasp on things yet.

Re: How do you move on?

For me, I eventually started having more good days than bad days. It took a long time for me. My miscarriage was in December and I'm still very sad over it at times. I am pregnant again now and I'm a nervous wreck. I still have not seen the doctor so I don't know what will be. Getting pregnant again didn't erase any sadness for me, now I just have more to worry about :(

All I can say is time does eventually take the pain away. There were days that my heart physically ached and I cried so hard that it hurt. The sadness and pain is still there but it isn't as intense. I find myself laughing again, enjoying myself. I promise you in time it will be easier.

Re: How do you move on?

First off I am sorry for your loss.

Second, your loss was SO RECENT! Don't be so hard on yourself. It took me a month or so to have a good day and then each day was a little better.
Your hormones are probably out of wack!

I don't really consider it moving on. I say "Moving Forward." I don't really think you ever get over it completely. It stays with you but and you learn to move through it but it's not an easy process. You are still mourning the loss of the PG and the loss of a dream. Now even so many months later, it pains me to say that.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If you want to chat, I'm here for you!

Re: How do you move on?

Thank you all so much. I guess since I have physically recovered I feel like I have to go back to "normal" but it is exhausting for me to go out and put on a happy face. Most people had no idea I was ever pregnant so I feel compelled to keep up appearances even though I feel so broken inside.

I know you are all right and it will get easier with time I just wish there was a way to make time move faster I guess.

Re: How do you move on?

Re: How do you move on?

It is very hard to put on a face. I spent A LOT of time home with DH (after work and on weekends). I was exhausted mentally/emotionally b/c no one really knew what had happened.

Re: How do you move on?

Re: How do you move on?

I'm sorry, I know how you are feeling. I didn't come out either so the only people who knew were our parents. I was miserable and I just couldn't pretend to be okay because I wasn't. I just avoided the people and situations that would upset until I was able to deal with it. It took a few months.

Hang in there

Re: How do you move on?

First thing, Megan, lots of hugs...what you're going through isn't easy, so please don't put a time limit on yourself of when you "should" be feeling better, or moving on. People will make you feel like you should be better by x date...don't ever let them make you feel bad about anything, because you need to feel better in YOUR time...

I agree with so many things that the other girls have said. Like Melissa said, you'll have a new normal...I really don't think that you ever go back to being your old self after going through a loss. You've been through hurt and pain...You've learned firsthand that not all pregnancies end happily, and with that, a part of your innocence has gone away. This all becomes a part of you.

Don't beat yourself up if you have a good day...and, don't beat yourself up if you have lots of good days, and then fall back into bad ones. Over a year and a half later, I'm still falling back into bad days. I have had another daughter, who is my world, but I still have times when I can't fight the tears, or where all I think about is what could've gone wrong. It's something that I think we will always go through...so don't get mad, or be surprised, when you take a few steps back. You're human, and allowed to do it whenever you need to.

Learn your own limitations. I think it's great that you didn't force yourself to go on the boat, knowing that you might have to fake being happy and all that. In the beginning, there were plenty of times when people would say to me "You should come to this ___ party...It will make you feel better."...I went, and you know what, it didn't make me feel better at all...I learned to just think about myself, and not worry what other people think about me doing, or not doing, something. I'm so glad that you were able to put yourself first, and really think about what would be best for you.

The thing that has helped me most in "living" and moving forward, as someone said, is talking...That really has been the best thing...Find people that really know what you are feeling or going through...Family and friends always want to help you, but unless you've felt this kind of pain, people really don't know what to say or do...Finding people that can relate really makes you feel like you aren't alone, and I can guarantee that everything you are feeling now, someone, most likely even on these boards, has felt before and can lend an ear.

FM whenever you need to!!!!

Message edited 7/11/2011 2:11:04 PM.

Re: How do you move on?

Thank you so much Jillian. And everyone else.

I do have a coworker who went through a situation very much like mine (trying for a long time, thyroid condition, first-pregnancy loss) and she has been wonderful. I also reached out to a friend I normally don't speak to as often because I knew she had two losses before conceiving her daughter and we are going out to dinner this week.

And all of you ladies have been wonderful and I truly appreciate your advice. The days I feel especially like I am losing my mind I have been able to go on here and be reassured that what I am feeling is normal and appropriate, something even my husband and my mom (who have been great) can't attest to.

I feel terrible that there are so many women on here who have faced this, but grateful to have an understanding outlet.

Re: How do you move on?

Unfortunately, the cliches are true. But I know I HATED to hear them. It doesn't make the pain and sadness go away. Unfortunatly, nothing will make that ease except time. For me, I am very much like the other girls. Eventually, the good days outweigh the bad. It is something that you just learn to live with. It will forever be a part of you and who you are. My cousin had a m/c years and years ago and I was talking to her about it. She now has 3 beautiful children (the oldest is 16). She told me that even though her m/c happened so long ago - before her first was even born - it is still something that her and DH talk about at times. She said that it just becomes a sad memory but in time you learn to just live with it and before you know it happy times and happy memories engulf it to a point that it doesn't feel like how you feel now.

Take your time and feel all your feelings. Don't hold back and in time it will be OK. It's also so early for you - after a week and a half I was still just existing - not living. I ate because I had to. I slept b/c it was time to. I was a zombie. Don't push yourself to feel any different.

Before I forget - when the time comes - it's ok to feel better and start to feel like you are moving on again. That is something that I had a hard time with. I kept questioning if I greived enough. But just trust your gut and just go with your feelings - wherever they take you - it's going to be OK.