I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

So, in my random morning thoughts I began to think about the next birthday's I need to get gifts and cards for... One of which is my younger half-brother who is about to turn 19, when it occurred to me...

He has never once given me or my husband a gift. Now, I will excuse the first 15 or so years of his life... but he has had a job for over 2 years now, is a freshman in college, and his only expenses are gasoline and his chipotle addiction.

My sister, 16, the same thing. For my birthday 2 weeks ago I didn't so much as get a message on myspace from her.

Yet, since these two were born (when I was 6 and 8) I have ALWAYS purchased them a gift with my own money saved from allowance and my own birthday gifts. I have always sent a card. I have always called to say happy birthday.

This year, I got a card from my brother. Nothing from my sister. I feel at 16 and nearly 19 they should be at least taking some responsibility.

Meanwhile, I stress myself out at birthdays and christmas over what to get them, while I barely get a thank you.

At what point do I just start saying 'screw them' and stop wasting my time and money?

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

I do NOT mean this to criticize you in any way - but I am not sure how else to put this - so forgive me.

You should not buy a present for these people. It is evident from your post that buying presents for them has become a bit of a burden. If buying a present is causing you to have feelings of resentment or upset - don't do it.

Giving a gift should be done when you care about someone and want to express what they mean to you. I (personally) don't feel like it should be done with the expectation of return.

Having said that - you are human and when you are constantly giving and someone else is constantly taking - it is easy to feel taken advantage of and for your feelings to be hurt. And that is your first hint that you should consider discontinuing giving gifts to that person.

I really feel that giving a gift should be an act of love. And an act of love should give you a sense of happiness and a little anticipation. If it doesn't - don't do it.

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

Message edited 9/24/2007 7:36:57 AM.

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

I would send them cards, that's enough. JMO

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

I would send a card, but no gift

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

I would just send them cards.

They are old enough to know. They might not have the money that they will have in a few years but then again, the money they make now is most likely 100% disposable income anyway.

My nieces and nephews are much younger ages 7-12 and obviously don't have jobs but they each made DH and I something for our wedding... so cute... and my nieces all worked hours and hours on two beautiful quilts for DD and DS when they were born.
Another set of my nieces went through their book collection and donated a lot to DS and DD. They didn't buy these books but they love them, so again, it's the thought.

It's not the value of the gift, it's the thought and JMO, they are old enough to know better.

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

It sounds like it isn't about the gifts but more that your feelinge are hurt - almost like they don't care?

My brother is 29 and he never bought gifts for me. He now buys for my kids and I always buy him a gift for xmas (no birthday). However I know this is just how he is, not that he doesn't care, so it doesn't bother me at all KWIM?

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

I completely understand what you are going through because I am thinking the same thing but I can't imgaine not getting them something. My brothers are going to be 19 and 21. I am going to be 26. I never received a call since I have been married (3 years) or a card. I know they have the money because they work for my dad and only have their car insurance to pay for. I feel more hurt then anything that they don't think of me. At the same time they are still babies in my eyes and I feel like they don't know any better yet I knew better at their ages. I was always the one that was going crazy when it came time for holiday and birthday gifts for my parents.
Last year I decided to do a secret santa last year with my sibblings and had DH included. So it was my, my 2 brothers, my sister and my DH. You had to see the look on their faces when I told them this is what I wanted to do. The looked upset that they weren't getting more gifts and it kinda forced them to get gifts for each other but once Christmas came they did enjoy the fun of it. I plan on doing it again.

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

IMO, I'm the big sister. I will always get my little sister something no matter what she does.

However, I agree with one of the above posters, it sounds like it's more that your feelings are hurt by their actions around your birthday and I would find a way to address that.

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

Can I put a different spin on it?

Yes, they are old enough to know, but maybe b/c you are family, they assume their parents will buy you a gift or send you a card from the whole family?

DH has three half siblings, they are 16, 14 and 11. He has never gotten a card or gift from them, but he does get them from his step-mom from all of them. We get them gifts for their birthdays as well.

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

The 16 year old you can give the benefit of the doubt. She's still young.

The 19 year old, he's a guy in college, so basically he is completely involved in himself and doesn't think of others.

I don't know what to tell you, other than maybe maybe talk to them and maybe joke about it. Or you can have a serious conversation and be like, do we want to exchange birthday gifts as a group or no?? This way you're all on the same page.

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

Sorry, but I wasn't giving my older siblings gifts with my own money at 16 and 19. I hardly had any money to begin with. That said, we stopped exchanging bday gifts long before then.

We're adults - there's really just no need to bother with the constant expectations and gift giving. Our birthdays are not national holidays. As far as I'm concerned, my husband and my parents are the only ones obligated to remember my birthday. After that, it's nice if people remember, but not required.

I have SILs who cause so much drama over their birthdays it's ridiculous. I send cards for birthdays, with gifts only for the nieces and nephews. I don't expect much more (or anything) from my siblings. We're close, but we're just not big on having to give each other gifts all the time.

I'd just give them the benefit of the doubt and let it go. I doubt they're trying to intentionally hurt you. They are still kids, even if they do have jobs and some spending money. I would stop getting the gifts for their bdays if you want and just send a card.

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

My brother is 20 and also in college, and I love him, but he's so self-absorbed... let me put that in a way that sounds better. He is an intelligent, witty, interesting guy, and I know he values and cares about me & my family. But he's very busy on campus, and he gets SO wrapped up in his own life - his classes, his friends, his frat, his girlfriend, his job, his car - he does not make time for nurturing his relationship with his family members. I truly believe this will change as he matures and gets older and after he graduates, but for now, it is what it is.

For his birthday, I always send a card & gift. For my birthday, he calls. He has spending money he earns at his job, and he clearly remembers when my birthday is, but he doesn't reciprocate with a gift or even a card. It used to bug me a little, but I've thought about it, and I'm older, in a better financial position, and am WAY more considerate if I do say so myself So now I just send something small and don't go all out - I still feel good that I did something nice for his birthday and let him know I was thinking of him, but I don't feel as slighted if I don't get a thank you right away, or don't get a gift back. I think I'd be even more "understanding" about a 16 year old sibling who's still in HS and living with my parents.

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

I think it depends on the family. My sister and I never exchange gifts or cards. We just call each other and get together. Usually we take each other out for dinner for our birthday. Even my mom doesn't give gifts. She just gives us money and tells us to buy what we want or specifies a certain item (like this year I am getting a camera)

To me, the measure of our relationship is not in the gifts we give on birthdays, holidays, etc... Its the way we treat each other all the time.

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

oops sounds like me

my brother is 12 years older than me and my sister is 14 years older. They always get me great birthday and christmas gifts.

I hardly ever get them anything, its just not expected and I always get them something small for Christmas.

I am almost 25 - this is just how our relationship has worked. Maybe I don't get them gifts BUT I have spoiled their kids for the past 8 years so the universe has a way of evening things out!

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

I don't think anyone is saying that giving gifts=love. But as a family you should all be in agreeance of whether or not to give birthday gifts.

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

Re: I don't even know what to title this... Siblings and gifts?

Thanks everyone. It really is just being hurt that they don't even really acknowledge my birthday. I even remember 2 or 3 years ago when my brother made a comment about how I hadn't gotten him a birthday gift and how upset he was (I had - he had just forgotten).

I guess it's just hard for me to accept all the 'they're just kids' explanations since I've bought gifts for my siblings/parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles with my own money since I was 6. Given, they used to be pretty crappy, but it was just always something I wanted to do. I can't imagine just forgetting about one of their birthdays like my siblings do with me.

I may just scale down on their gifts this year since DH and I are broke anyways...