I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

My mom just told me that she is seriously considering adopting a little boy from DR. She heard about a little boy whose 15 yr old birth mother has basically abandoned him. The exact details surrounding his situation are very sketchy right now so please bear with me. Supposedly my grandparents are the ones who have discovered him and his situation because the boy lives with his grandmother nearby. Supposedly they often find this 2 yr old boy by the side of the road begging for food. The father supposedly has too many other children with different women to care what happens to this little boy and has told my grandparents that.


A few months ago, I sat in my aunt's kitchen 20-some-odd weeks pregnant, with my mom, and her sister then also 6 months pregnant with her 2nd child. I listened to my mom say for first time that she has been considering adopting because her husband has never had any children. She is now almost 50 and had a hysterectomy many, many years ago. She said she was even considering a surrogate. I was shocked to say the least, but played it off like it was no big deal to me because I thought she wasn't "really" serious.


Well, here we are a few months later and she's telling me that she is seriously considering adopting this boy. She is taking a trip to DR this weekend and intends to find out exactly what the boy's circumstances are and if he really has no attachment to his birth mother. I don't know what to think and I was so stunned by what I was hearing that I was mostly speechless. She asked me what I thought and I know she was looking for my approval.

I tried to just be reasonable and supportive. I told her that it's a wonderful thing to adopt a child but that this particular situation sounds very messy. I told her she should really look into what are the legal intricacies involved in an adoption like this. Will this teen mother want her son back 5 years from now? What about the father? Are they going to want to be in his life later? How is she going to feel about that? She assured me that she would only go through with this if she knew there was no bond with the mother and that she was willing and able to surrender all rights.


Now can I tell you all how I REALLY feel? Why is my 50 yr old mother even THINKING about adopting a child now? What in the world is making her want to start motherhood all over again at this point in her life? Is this some kind of mid-life crisis thing?

She has her FIRST GRANDCHILD on the way.... (and this part is really upsetting me)...why isn't that enough or exciting enough or good enough or whatever it would take to quell this bizarre maternal urge she is suddenly having? What does this mean for her grandson? Besides the fact that he's going to have an uncle that is only 2 yrs older than him. I know this is going to sound selfish but what about all the spoils of being the first grandchild that my son is supposed to get? All that attention from grandma...? Grandma's going to be too busy with her OWN TODDLER??

I don't understand this. I am so confused and I really don't even know how to react or what to think or what to say to her. Selfishly of course all I want to do is stop her from doing this and tell her at least wait and see if her grandchild will be enough. On the other hand I know she would be doing wonderful things for this poor little boy whose been abandoned by his parents. And maybe she needs to do this to fulfill some need in HER life. But again...she's almost 50. What is she thinking?! Who starts motherhood all over again at 50?

Does anyone else think this is REALLY strange? What would you do or say? Would you just be totally cool with it...or would you express your concerns? And just to clarify here...I'm not just concerned about me, or my child...I'm concerned about whether or not she is really doing this for the right reasons and whether it's the right thing for her to do for herself. She should be thinking about retirement...traveling and taking pottery classes or whatever... not starting to raise children all over again!! What is going on here???!

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

It sounds to me like she is envious of you (just got married, having a BABY).

My grandma is 93. A year or so ago, I asked her what part of her life did she enjoy the most? She said, "when my children were small".

So, I think your mom may be dealing with some "growing older" feelings and she misses when she had her babies.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

I totally understand what you are saying Sandra. I would have the same feelings as you!
That being said, I know two older couples who adopted disadvantaged children once their own children were grown. Whatever need it may fill for them, it certainly makes a better life for the child. If your mom has the energy, finances, love and stamina for this - I say let her go for it! She will be changing someone else's life forever!
Do you think that you could sit down with her and talk about your fears and feelings? Maybe ask her to wait until she has grandchildren and maybe see how she feels six months from now?

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

my friend's mil is doing this now - she claims it is taking too long for her grandkids to come, so she is threatening to get her own babies...but i think it is very different...hers is more of a drama causing thing

i am with you and would feel the same way..can you talk to her about it? perhaps you have a friend or family member who has a young child who might also show her how hard and tiring it is to raise a child....not that 50 is old, but i think you know what i mean....

my mom is going through a weird phase too that started before we even got marired.....i am coming now to realize its all related to menopause - i know that you said she had a hysterectomy but could she still be experiencing changes emotionally that scare her? maybe even sitting down with her to let her know that she does have kids and all kinds of people that care about her would help. if she still insists, maybe suggest to her to volunteer first helping out a non-profit or social service agency before committing as long term as this may be.

good luck! and lots of hugs and support....

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

Alright, maybe it's because my family has had a lot of different women have a lot of babies at different ages, but I don't think this is that big of a deal. My mother has a nine year old and a four year old. I'm like an aunt to them. My grandmother had a daughter when I was six. She's my aunt, and it's not all that weird. She's like a little sister.

I think there are a lot of things going on here. You're asking if you having a baby will be enough for your mom - well, I don't think that's the question. Of course she'll love her grandchild! That's the thing about mothers, the good ones have a lot of love to go around. Maybe she's feeling like this would give her life purpose and meaning, and help this child have a better life. I doubt she's really thinking about you at all. To be honest, she's done her job with you. She's raised you, you're married and you're starting your own family. She'll still be there for you, she'll still be your mother. But maybe she sees that there's someone else who needs her and she wants to see if she can help them as well. You keep on saying that "she's almost 50." Well, she's not senile, she raised you, she knows what it is to raise children. My grandmother GAVE BIRTH at 45. And this was 25 years ago. It's hard, but it can be done.

It seems like your mom is really serious. Talk to her, and let her know your concerns and see where she's coming from. If it's a mid-life crisis then maybe it will burn itself out. But if she wants to do this, then trust the woman who raised you to make up her own mind.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

I would have to say that this would bother me as well (for selfish reasons) but also because at this point in her life, your mom should be thinking about retirement, traveling, ENJOYING having the house without children, to do what she pleases when she pleases. I'd want to make sure that she's really thought this through and is doing it for the right reasons.

With that being said, I think it's great that she is such a wonderful person to care so much about this little boy. If you think that this is truly what she wants, and will truly make her happy, than go for it!

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

Odd that you should bring this up! A friend of mine is pregnant, and HER mom is considering adopting as well. Their sitaution is very different though- the Mom is jealous and competitive with the daughter, and that is at least partially the reason adoption was being considered.

If your mom is really serious about adopting this little guy, I would have along talk with her about it. College money, what it will mean for her retirement. I don't mean to be pessimistic or rude, but what if her health deteriorates faster than she expects? She should definitely consult a lawyer about the biological parents rights and all that stuff.

Apart from all of the concerns though, what a big heart she has that she would be willing to adopt him!

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

I don't know what to say....besides I think you are right. I think your mom is going through some stage right now and also feeling sever sympathy for this child knowing she *could* make a difference if she really wanted to. What does her husband think of this? Is it him who wants his *own* child????

Your son deserves the attention you want for him and ultimately your mom will do whatever she wants. This could be an ugly legal matter, and it might not be a second thought to this childs' parents. They might be relieved that he will have a good life.

I think you need to either see a therapist or if you can, tell your mom what you told us, how you really feel. It's the only way for her to know how hurt you are. You do NOT nee this stress right now.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

I agree with what Nadine (nsgraham) said. It may not be the norm for a woman your mom's age to raise a young but it's the most unselfish thing to take in and love a child who's not born of you.

I think some of the points you made on why she shouldn't do it are a little selfish. Your son will always feel/know the love of his grandmother whether or not she is raising another child. Could it be that you want your child to be the center of attention? Imagine the relationship your son would have with his "uncle". I have a friend who has an aunt and uncle, who is 1yr and 3yrs younger than her, and they have such a great relationship.

I'm surprised that so many people think she's having a mid-life crisis. My goodness, she's only 50. If she has the stamina, financial means and her husband is on board then why the he11 not! If this child could benefit from the selfless love of your mother and her husband then why deny that.

My only concern is the legal aspects of adopting a child in that situation. I would only encourage it if it was guarantee that both parents were relinquishing their rights.

Message edited 5/22/2005 1:54:23 PM.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

First I want to say that I think the way you are feeling is normal, and I would probably feel the same. But, I don't think 50 is that old to want to have another child, I think it is really admirable of your mom to want to do this for a child in need. Like the other poster said imagine the relationship of your child and his "uncle". They would probably end up being really close.
I don't know, I would try to step out of the situation (I know its hard because its you) and look at it from others perspective, like ours being on the outside.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

Awe, I can totally understand why you are feeling upset. My mom had my sister when she was 44 and it was the best thing that ever happened to our family. Try looking at it from that point of view, a new little brother and a playmate for your little boy. I am sure no matter what your mom will have enough love for both of them. I hope everything works out.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

I just want to give you a hug for support

Message edited 5/23/2005 9:48:35 AM.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

I can see both sides of this situation, I think. some of you might already know this story, but my grandparents had a lot of foster children through my mother's teens and twenties. The year she got married, they got a little girl when she was just 4 days old. Two years later, her parents gave her up for adoption. My grandparents just couldn't let her go and adopted her, my mother was pregnant with me. Never ever ever have I felt that I didn't have more than enough of my grandparents' love and attention. They were extremely loving people. We spent almost every day during every summer at their house. My aunt and I are 21 months apart, but more like sisters - she was my MOH. They used to dress us alike!

On the other hand, my SIL's mother just had twins when she was 47--her 10th and 11th children. One of her daughters had a baby a few weeks before the twins were born and my SIL gave birth to my nephew in December, when the twins were two. I definitely think that my nephew doesn't get enough attention from his other grandmother...but I think that's just the personality of the mother. It's almost like she kept having children so that she got all the attention.

You know your mother better than anyone else...but based on the situation that I'm closest to, I can only predict that your child will benefit from having a close uncle - I did from having my aunt. Good luck

Message edited 5/23/2005 10:09:43 AM.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

if your unborn child has inspired your mom to give a little boy a home and a family, than kudos to you for being an inspiration, and leave it at that.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

I just wanted to add that my son and this little boy would have little to no relationship since my mother lives in Florida and we live in NY. So, to me, that is neither a positive or a negative.

Thanks for the s and the input. I really appreciate the objective input.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

i have to agree with the majority here, she is a little envious of you havinga child, her grandchild, and she wants someone to take care of. i think that she just heard this boys story and it broke her heart and she just feels like she has to do something. which i can understand, but i don't think i'd rush off to adopt a baby because it came from a bad family background. i know that she is not literally rushing off, but just the fact that she brought the situation uo, would concern me too.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

Children keep a house alive (and awake t all hours) but the older generatio lives for them. And maybe just maybe your mom is thi slittle boys angel. much love and luck to you all

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

MY DH is 1 year older than his nephew and we just went to visit him in SAn Diego. We had a great time, they have a wonderful and special relationship.

If your mom has thought this through and this is what she wants, I personally don't see it being about you anymore. She wants to do something wonderful for a child who BEGS ON THE STREET. I am sure your child will get plenty of toys and love no matter what, but what does this child have?? Nothing. Except maybe a chance for a good life.

Remember, 50 is the new 40. If mom is in good shape there should not be any issues if this is what she wants to do.


PS - Not all grandmothers spoil their grandchildren.....

Message edited 5/23/2005 2:27:40 PM.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

Posted by BabyAvocado

I just wanted to add that my son and this little boy would have little to no relationship since my mother lives in Florida and we live in NY. So, to me, that is neither a positive or a negative.

Thanks for the s and the input. I really appreciate the objective input.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

Posted by lullabella

Posted by BabyAvocado

I just wanted to add that my son and this little boy would have little to no relationship since my mother lives in Florida and we live in NY. So, to me, that is neither a positive or a negative.

Thanks for the s and the input. I really appreciate the objective input.

If that is the case why would it bother you so much? Especially if you don't see her that often.

Re: I don't know what to think...My Mom wants to do WHAT? NOW? (Very LONG but please read - I want input)

Posted by BabyAvocado

Posted by lullabella

Posted by BabyAvocado

I just wanted to add that my son and this little boy would have little to no relationship since my mother lives in Florida and we live in NY. So, to me, that is neither a positive or a negative.

Thanks for the s and the input. I really appreciate the objective input.

If that is the case why would it bother you so much? Especially if you don't see her that often.

For the same selfish reasons, I suppose. It would mean she would see less of her grandson because she wouldn't be able to take as many trips to NY anymore. As it is now she comes around 1 per month. I'm sure that would change.