I feel defeated...

so my DH decided to have all his friends over for a BBQ (but forgot to tell me - don't ask.) So we weren't really prepared. Well anyway he spent all day being the host and I spent all day trying to manage the 2 kids by myself.

My DS cried like all day (he has to be held) and my DD got totally ignored. His friends wives all had to watch her or hold the baby (but nobody wants a screaming baby) They did what they could but they have their own toddlers to chase after. We are the only one's of our friends with 2.

I felt incomptent and embarrassed that I couldn't do it. At one point I almost just started crying. I finally told my DH that he had to stop socializing and pay attention to one of the kids. My DD won't even look at me today I guess because I had the baby all day yesterday.

How do you moms do it? I'm not always going to have my DH home to help. I just feel like a failure right now.

Re: I feel defeated...

The only people we had over for a long time was immdeiate family because I had no problem giving them one of the kids or letting them clean up. I think you need to tell your DH no more BBQ until you are ready or if he wants them he has to do everything for them.

As far as the kids, just try and take it day by day. I know how hard it is in the beginning but once you accept it and just go with what the day brings it is so much better. Now I do everything I did alone, then with one child and now with 2 that I did before. People always ask if I did it with the kids or alone and I do. I have nobody here and DH works late sometimes so I had to learn. My other suggestion is try getting out of the house. In the beginning it is so hard, but once you get dressed (even just something clean that doesn't have spit up on it) will make you feel better. I went to the mall alot since it was cool and I would walk. I am not sure where you live but Marjorie Post Park in Massapequa has a really nice playground that is surronded by huge trees so it is always nice and cool their. Once you stop thinking about how you will do something it will be easier. Also know that you can do it and if it doesn't go as planned it's ok because the next time it will be better. Honestly, my DH has no idea how I go out with them because up until recently DS had a lot of moments in the stroller but I just kept doing it and didn't let it stop me.

I hope some of this made sense We are all here for you

Re: I feel defeated...

You are doing what I did...have way too high of an expectation of yourself. I was you just 6 weeks ago...ds cried all the time and if he wasn't crying, he was nursing for hours on end.

Right now, your only job is to try to keep 2 kids together and you're doing it!!! No one expects you to be able to host and socialize and no one is critisizing for it either. Let your friends help you with the baby or dd - they are your friends and there to support you.

It does get better...I promise. It didn't feel like it would ever get better when I was in the middle of it but things are so much better now that ds is just a little older.

If you need to vent, please feel free to fm me.

Re: I feel defeated...

No advice but hugs to you. It will get better.

Re: I feel defeated...

DD will be 4 weeks on Friday and I can't even begin to tell you how much easier it has gotten. When it is just me, we are outside all day long. I bring her bouncer outside, place it on the table and I play with DS. If she starts to cry, I tell DS to lets go see whats wrong with sister...I include him so he doesnt feel like I am leaving him for her. As far as going out with both of them..I just do it! I pack the diaper bag every night and put in the truck. When it's time to go out, I place DD in her carrier and tell DS it's time to bye bye. Once I am in the car driving I feel like I just accomplished something and tell myself the next time it will be even more easier. Now going out is a piece of cake..

If your out and something should go wrong, NO BIG DEAL....just leave.

Dont fee like a failure...your caring for 2 kids..YOUR A MOM and a GREAT one!!!



ETA: One other thing that I found helped me feel better also...I got both kids ready first thing in the morning.After DD's morning bottle, I gie her a bath and dress her. When she is napping I give DS a bath and dress him. I shower at night and do my hair and then in the morning I freshen up, put on makeup, get dressed and feel complete. Every morning we do this routine and I notice a pattern with my DD. IMO, having a routine will make your life and DC's life a little easier...

Message edited 6/22/2008 11:31:06 AM.

Re: I feel defeated...

Re: I feel defeated...

I agree. Way too high expectations of yourself. Your body has not even recovered yet.

If you think back to how it was when you only had dd, the first few weeks, you were housebound or with close family. At week 3-4, you were likely not throwing BBQs with friends and toddlers because dd didn't have shots, right?

There is no doubt it is harder with 2 than 1. But you need to be taken care of, not hosting parties. You need someone who will sit & talk to you while you fold laundry. Not worry if you need more steak sauce.

Re: I feel defeated...

personally I think it's very difficult to entertain with 2 small children, so you are not a failure at all. Your LO probably didn't like all the noise yesterday, maybe a bit overwhelmed. Do you think DD is really upset with you? Maybe she is just tired?

Re: I feel defeated...

I think it's hard to entertain with one young child, two would be harder still. And it sounds as if help was limited, so don't beat yourself up--I'm sure you are a great mommy and a great hostess--it's just impossible to be great at two things like this at once.

We've mostly had family and close friends over so far--not a big crowd at once. And I've had to accept that my cooking, entertaining standards are lower now. And most of our friends either don't have kids or have older kids, so they help. The only people who offer no help are the ILs, so I dislike having them over, but that's another story.

Don't be down on yourself! It will get easier as they get older. And tell DH he really needs to let you know in advance about these things in future.

Re: I feel defeated...

Just wanted to give you some hugs...

Re: I feel defeated...

I am sorry that I have no advice, just

I am sure it will get easier, hang in there

Re: I feel defeated...

i don't have advice only that i remember the first few weeks after having DD i was so blue and never felt like life would be normal. i seriously thought i would be in that state forever. the memory is still strong. it is still so early on for you and the adjustment is that much harder with having DD to care for too. there is no doubt that you are doing the best you can and that's all you should expect. just want to offer and know that this is just a transition and things will get easier i promise!

Re: I feel defeated...

You will definitely get the hang of it. I give all the moms with 2 or more kids major props.

Re: I feel defeated...

You're being too hard on yourself! Getting dinner on the table for my two kids and husband without yelling, screaming, crying ,etc is yet to occur in my house! Everyday is like a three ring circus, so entertaining with a toddler and newborn is simply crazy! LOL

My kiddos are 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 now. Its challenging and you need to only do what is necessary and entertaining is just unnecessary stress.

Hang in there....it will be crazy for a while, but it will definately get easier!

Re: I feel defeated...

there have been many times where I just wanted to cry because they are all coming at me and need me at the same time
I just try to be patient and get through it

It wont always be like that it DOES get better
dont be so hard on yourself I am sure you are doing great

Re: I feel defeated...

I have no advice because I don't even have one baby yet, but wanted to send you lots of . I am sure you are doing a way better job than you are giving yourself credit for!

Re: I feel defeated...

God Bless you!!!!

I don't know how anybody does it with 2!!! Men just don't grasp the concept.

My first is 10 months old and we still haven't entertained anybody. So, you are doing great!!!!!!!

Re: I feel defeated...

Posted by waterspout4

God Bless you!!!!

I don't know how anybody does it with 2!!! Men just don't grasp the concept.

My first is 10 months old and we still haven't entertained anybody. So, you are doing great!!!!!!!

Re: I feel defeated...

I'm sitting here trying to understand why your DH would do that to you. Is he crazy?!?!?!? Seriously. I remember when I just had DD and how hard it was to have my relatives come stay with us for a few days. Forget about hosting any sort of gathering. Shame on him. You should not beat yourself up over it. Hannah will get over it. It will all be forgotten very soon. Tell DH he has to take care of DS for awhile and you should spend some quality time with Hannah - that will probably make you feel better. Then you should take some time for yourself!! (I know, that's probably next to impossible right now, but I'm sure you could use some "me" time.)

Re: I feel defeated...