I feel so excluded today...

Today is older SS’s graduation from 6th grade. The school only gives each kid two tickets so BM and DH are going. When BM told DH about when graduation was, she said maybe we’ll take him to lunch after. DH and BM hate each other. They are civil to each other most of the time, but BM is difficult, uncooperative and downright nasty to DH. After so many years of dealing with her, DH acts pretty much the same way to her now. BM cheated on DH while they were married, she is now living with the second guy she slept with after the initial cheating while they were still married. They are divorced for 8 or 9 years now. It is totally unlike her to include DH in anything so I totally don’t get her suggesting they all go out to lunch. I feel excluded about not being able to go to graduation and I feel excluded that the four of them (DH, BM and two SSs) are going to lunch afterward. I know I should just be happy for DH that he gets to see his son graduate and that he gets to celebrate with him after instead of BM whisking them away after to celebrate without DH despite the fact that Tuesday is his day with them etc., etc., but I just feel so uncomfortable with them all going out to lunch together.

What makes it even worse, is that while BM and I are phony to each other and act perfectly pleasant with one another and can get through the limited social situations for the kids we’ve both attended. DH and BM’s boyfriend do not speak at all. DH has issues with the fact that this man is a father figure to his kids, which is his own issue, but it stems though from the fact that BM cheated with him and was pretty much staying at his place while they were going through divorce. He’s good to the kids and they are living in his mother’s house (another story), but he’s not a nice guy. He’s pretty much a jerk, like she is, but they are basically good to the kids so I guess that's all that really matters. But if I were to have taken the day off to go to lunch with them afterward, and then BM said her boyfriend was going too, then DH would have said he wasn’t going to go. So his issues with BM’s boyfriend, hinder me being included. Not that I was included to begin with, but had I suggested that to DH, he wouldn't have thought it was a good idea because of the possiblility of BM then including her boyfriend. KWIM

I guess I could just use some hugs and understanding!

Thanks!

Re: I feel so excluded today...

Something somewhat similar happened w/ my SD pre-k graduation...

The school was giving out 4 tickets for the graduation- Logic would say BM gets 2, DH gets 2 ( after all he does have joint custody and payed for more than half of her school )

Well BM, took it upon herself to "graciously" offer my DH one ticket, leaving the others for herself, her boyfriend at the time and her 8 year old daughter ...Meanwhile DH and I were married and I had known my SD since sge was 4 months old...

Anyhow, she played games with the tickets and she ended up never getting the ticket to my DH at all ! So my DH ended up missing my SD graduation and she continually to this day throws it in his face, never seeing that the reason he wasn't there is because of her in the first place

I know how hard it is...anyhow, just know that your DH is not going to spend time with her and that they are not a family anymore, its for your SS...She will probably revel in the fact that its bothering you if she finds out it does...So I would just have DH make a special point of telling your SS that you both have something special planned for him ...If not for the BM's boyfriend situation, I would have said you should be there alongside DH, but if it makes your DH uneasy, maybe its best the way he has it...Although I would be also so I completely understand....

Re: I feel so excluded today...

Posted by Bops

Something somewhat similar happened w/ my SD pre-k graduation...

The school was giving out 4 tickets for the graduation- Logic would say BM gets 2, DH gets 2 ( after all he does have joint custody and payed for more than half of her school )

Well BM, took it upon herself to "graciously" offer my DH one ticket, leaving the others for herself, her boyfriend at the time and her 8 year old daughter ...Meanwhile DH and I were married and I had known my SD since sge was 4 months old...

Anyhow, she played games with the tickets and she ended up never getting the ticket to my DH at all ! So my DH ended up missing my SD graduation and she continually to this day throws it in his face, never seeing that the reason he wasn't there is because of her in the first place

I know how hard it is...anyhow, just know that your DH is not going to spend time with her and that they are not a family anymore, its for your SS...She will probably revel in the fact that its bothering you if she finds out it does...So I would just have DH make a special point of telling your SS that you both have something special planned for him ...If not for the BM's boyfriend situation, I would have said you should be there alongside DH, but if it makes your DH uneasy, maybe its best the way he has it...Although I would be also so I completely understand....

Re: I feel so excluded today...

That stinks. I can understand the whole thing about both bio-parents taking the 2 tickets but I think you should be invited to the lunch. Your the step mom! You should be invited!

My DH and BM do not really get along either, although I get along with BM and her BF just fine. We still celebrate everything separately. Can you take SS out to dinner or have cake tonight to make yourself feel more included?

Re: I feel so excluded today...

I know how you feel; I think we all as step-parents have been there. I'll never forget DD's communion day when all the kids sat up front. And then Kevin had to sit with BM while "everyone else" sat in the back. It pained me to be "everyone else" and not be allowed to sit with my fiance (at the time) on such a big day in his DD's life. What made it worse was that he was dreadfully sick that day and I wasn't able to be with him, instead I had to watch from afar. It's aggravating but I guess it goes with the territory of being a part of a blended family.

Re: I feel so excluded today...

Posted by legallyblonde

That stinks. I can understand the whole thing about both bio-parents taking the 2 tickets but I think you should be invited to the lunch. Your the step mom! You should be invited!

My DH and BM do not really get along either, although I get along with BM and her BF just fine. We still celebrate everything separately. Can you take SS out to dinner or have cake tonight to make yourself feel more included?

Re: I feel so excluded today...

Posted by imthecindyofcindyandkevin

I know how you feel; I think we all as step-parents have been there. I'll never forget DD's communion day when all the kids sat up front. And then Kevin had to sit with BM while "everyone else" sat in the back. It pained me to be "everyone else" and not be allowed to sit with my fiance (at the time) on such a big day in his DD's life. What made it worse was that he was dreadfully sick that day and I wasn't able to be with him, instead I had to watch from afar. It's aggravating but I guess it goes with the territory of being a part of a blended family.

Posted by cgdg61606

How do I ask questions to satisfy my natural curiosity about the situation, without badgering him and making him feel like I feel he did something wrong?

This is tricky and I'm not sure if it can be done. You don't want to put DH on the defensive. Like you said, he's being there for his DS. I can assure you that 110% of his attention is going to be on that boy and he won't even bother with BM and anything she says/does. You can simply ask "So how did lunch go?" and see what he offers. If nothing, then drop it. I know the curiousity sometimes gets the best of us; but if you trust your DH then there's no reason to grill him.

Re: I feel so excluded today...

Posted by cgdg61606

Posted by imthecindyofcindyandkevin

I know how you feel; I think we all as step-parents have been there. I'll never forget DD's communion day when all the kids sat up front. And then Kevin had to sit with BM while "everyone else" sat in the back. It pained me to be "everyone else" and not be allowed to sit with my fiance (at the time) on such a big day in his DD's life. What made it worse was that he was dreadfully sick that day and I wasn't able to be with him, instead I had to watch from afar. It's aggravating but I guess it goes with the territory of being a part of a blended family.

Posted by cgdg61606

How do I ask questions to satisfy my natural curiosity about the situation, without badgering him and making him feel like I feel he did something wrong?

This is tricky and I'm not sure if it can be done. You don't want to put DH on the defensive. Like you said, he's being there for his DS. I can assure you that 110% of his attention is going to be on that boy and he won't even bother with BM and anything she says/does. You can simply ask "So how did lunch go?" and see what he offers. If nothing, then drop it. I know the curiousity sometimes gets the best of us; but if you trust your DH then there's no reason to grill him.

Oh, yes!! SS's Communion Day was similiar... except DH sat with "everyone else" too... All the kids were in the front, BM, her boyfriend, her mother, step father her sister and younger SS were all sitting in a row in the front and DH, me and our family (his and mine) were in a row towards the back. DH was very upset... We were supposed to meet them outside before the ceremony so DH could see SS, but BM brought him to the church late and rushed him in and DH never had the chance to see him. DH said he felt like a distant uncle.



I'm going to try really hard not to grill him with questions. I do trust him completely. That's not the issue, it's my own issue I guess with them doing something so out of character for them and with what seems like them doing something too family-like together for my comfort. I'm afraid I'm going to push him with the questions though and he will end up defensive (rightfully so, but still, can I help myself??). Give me strength!!

Thank you for your reply!

Re: I feel so excluded today...