I find this tabloid tale interesting!!(LONG)

What if tabloids covered all of us?


Lynchburg News & Advance
January 1, 2006



I was standing in the grocery store checkout line recently when it came to my attention that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey were getting a divorce.
To be honest, if it weren't for occasional trips to Kroger's or Food Lion, I would not have known that these two people existed. Yet they always seem to be on the cover of the supermarket tabloids, and so I'd been reading about them for years, one blaring headline at a time.

Why are they famous? Well, they're actors and singers, and they look good. Jessica was rated the No. 7 female vocalist by Billboard in 2003, and Nick had a couple of hits with the "boy band" 98 Degrees a couple of years earlier. So far, however, their body of work does not appear likely to get them into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.

Acting? Surely, you've seen the "Pokemon Movie"? "Rugrats in Paris"? "The Hard Easy"? "The Dukes of Hazzard" remake? Those are some of the film credits for this famous duo.

They also turned the early months of their marriage into a reality show, "Newlyweds," and have appeared together in a few specials, notably "Nick & Jessica's Tour of Duty" and "Nick & Jessica's Family Christmas."

Sounds like the perfect union, doesn't it? But apparently not.

I have a theory about celebrities. I think all famous entertainers should find out the name of the president of their fan club and marry that person. That way, their spouse would always be adoring and attentive, thankful just to be in the same room with them, and probably wouldn't mind a few extracurricular flings on the side.

Otherwise, it's a recipe for disaster. Can you imagine driving your husband or wife to the airport, knowing that he or she was leaving to spend two months making a movie in some exotic locale, with a plot that involved him or her doing take after take of love scenes with some gorgeous co-star?

As for rock bands on the road, we know all about that.

But there's another problem with married celebs like Nick and Jessica. What would your marriage be like if everything that happened to you wound up on the front page of a tabloid? Or if you suspected all your friends and relatives of leaking information (and maybe even photos) to these parasitic publications?

Most seem to take it with a shrug. My favorite reaction was that of an actress whose head was being superimposed over an unrelated naked body on an adult Web site. When asked why she didn't sue, the actress said: "Because that body looks a lot better than mine."

Still, it got me to thinking, during a recent vacation, how the tabloids might handle the affairs of an ordinary couple. Let's call them Fred and Freda.

Suppose the wedding cake showed up with yellow frosting instead of the requested green?

WEDDING DISASTER! FREDA INCONSOLABLE!

And then comes the honeymoon:

HONEYMOON SHOCKER FOR FREDA! THE SECRET SHE LEARNED ON THEIR FIRST NIGHT TOGETHER!

It seems Fred snores.

FRED ABANDONS FREDA, FRIENDS SAY!

For a weekend golf trip.

Or imagine this conversation between Fred and one of the friends he thought he could trust.

"What's the matter, Fred? You don't look so good."

"Aw, it's no big deal. I've just got some kind of bug, is all. I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said he couldn't be sure what it was, but it should go away in a couple of days."

FRED DIAGNOSED WITH MYSTERY DISEASE! FREDA INCONSOLABLE!

Which might explain the following week's headline.

FREDA GOES HOME TO HER MOTHER!

For a weekend visit.

Actually, their marriage isn't completely idyllic. It seems Fred is a fanatic pro football fan who seldom

misses a game on Sundays, a day Freda would like to do something outdoors.

"You're cheating me out of this day together," she snaps at him. Her cousin, listening at the window, reports back to the tabloids.

FRED CHEATS ON FREDA WITH OTHER MEN! NFL PLAYERS SAID TO BE INVOLVED!

Which leads a tabloid reporter to call one of the public relations people for the Baltimore Ravens, who laughs out loud at the question and then hangs up on her.

RAVENS REFUSE TO COMMENT ON GAY GRID SCANDAL!

At one point during all of this, Freda rents a movie called "The Hard Easy" - with Nick Lachey included in the cast - and watches it on Fred's bowling night.

FREDA AND NICK SEEN TOGETHER IN HER HOME! JESSICA INCONSOLABLE!

Re: I find this tabloid tale interesting!!(LONG)

so true.