I have to ask......

Ok. So I have had a couple of losses, and it's been a REALLY rough time for me and my DH. I have a friend who is PG. Long story short, she seems to be mad at me because I haven't personally asked her how she's feeling or about her pregnancy. She hasn't exactly asked me how I'm doing and how things have been, even though she knows it's been difficult for me to handle. I hae been around her and other friends and talked about it and stuff, and I have called her since I'v found out so it's not like i'm avoiding her! Is there somethig wrong with me that I have a hard time having a conversation with her given wht'v been going through.

Re: I have to ask......

I think each case is different, and I understand why you are having those feelings....but personally I try to not allow my own personal sadness take away from another's happiness. I know I would be very sad if I got pregnant and a friend didn't talk to me about it....If you have a hard time talking about it, why not talk to her and explain why you aren't reaching out?

I have said this before but I have been in situations where a friend of mine shyed away from me when I had happy things going on because she was so sad with her life...and it really really hurt me and I vowed not to do it to someone else.

But like I said, if she's your friend I think you should talk about it. I know I can only imagine the happiness I will feel when I get pregnant, and I would want others to share that with me no matter what.

Re: I have to ask......

There is nothing wrong with you! .. A good friend of mine has a 6 week old baby girl, her SIL lost her baby about 9 weeks or so ago, and I mean far into her pregnancy she was like 7 months. My friend told me that she thinks her SIL is being selfish and she's missing her nieces life. I couldn't believe how thoughtless she could be, and I remember her saying well you just lost a baby too and your fine being around my baby. She didn't realize how much it hurt me being around her new baby, especially when I heard the mean things she was saying about her new baby girl ((she has PPD, and I didn't know at the time)), and I only had a chemical, I couldn't imagine being that far along etc.

Basically what I wanted to say is, that sometimes people can't see past what is happening to them, so they don't realize the affect on others around them. When you are ready, call her and talk to her about it, but don't make yourself feel bad if your not ready yet.

I hope your time is soon

Re: I have to ask......

Re: I have to ask......

I dont think there is anything wrong with you. While I understand what Jen and Mayghen are saying, for me personally, it would be hard for me to show "enthusiastic" happiness. Thats not to say i wouldnt be happy but its hard to show happiness when you are being reminded of your own sadness. I think your friend should understand why you arent talking about her pregnancy 24/7. Sounds to me like you care alot and have acknowledged it and showed happiness. Im assuming she has never had a loss? No one understands what its like unless they have been through it; if she truly understood how painful it is, she wouldnt be getting mad at you for not asking her about her pregnancy all the time.

I agree that maybe you should explain to her that you are happy but at the same time, it hurts, If shes a good friend, she'd understand.

Re: I have to ask......

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. There's no way I'd be ready for something like that if it happened to me.

Re: I have to ask......

everyone deals with this issue differently, i am very similar to you at this point. i recently suffered my first m/c and one of my bff's due dates is the week before mine would have.

i find it very, i mean very, difficult to listen to her talk about being pregnant, her sono's and the next few months.

i cry at the drop of a hat when i am around her or talking to her. which is semi silly because its not that i'm not happy for her, i am just annoyed, resentful and a whole bunch of other negative emotions.

i hope that this feeling will go away soon, but they are my feelings and i am entitled to them. i/we dont' have to get over anything on anyone else's terms but our own.

hth, and there is NOTHING wrong with you.

Re: I have to ask......

I'm not saying there is anything wrong w/ how you are feeling or acting...but let me put it this way...

I had a friend who was going through a divorce when I was getting married. I was there for her for her divorce, but she had a really rough time being my bridesmaid and being happy for my wedding like I was for hers...I got that she was going through a hard time....she did the same thing when I got pregnant, she was then single and was unable to be happy or talk to me...all I wanted was my good friend to be there for me and she wasn't....

So now we aren't really friends anymore...I'm just saying this is a really hard point in our lives right now...but the last thing any of us need is to alienate ourselves and possibly lose friends over it. At least that is how I feel...when things get better and we are feeling more normal...or hopefully have a child of our own we are going to want those friensd in our lives...in life we are going to have ups and downs...this is HUGE down....but isn't friendship being there in good times and bad???

That's just how I feel i guess. I honestly think if you called and told her how you felt I think she would understand. In my story about my friend all iw anted was for her to open and up and be honest instead of not talking to me about it at all....so I really think you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

Re: I have to ask......

Thank you all for the support! I've been trying to show happiness for her but i guess she doesnt think its enough. i dont think anyone uderstands how hard this is, especiially when youve been throuh more than 1 loss. I just need time to let this all go. I have not yet moved on.