I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent... Updated on bottom....

I'm so worried about my older stepdaughter, that I can't sleep at night...

She's a senior, and she never really worked hard at school. But she is so smart its insane...We just got her report card and she is in danger of failing 4 of her classes this quarter - including PE....

What makes things complicated is because she doesnt live with us, and although she is with us every other weekend and several nights during the week, we can't really be on top of her work, her assignments, nothng. Her mom doesnt want to be the bad guy and never follows thru with anything, plus she works late and doesn't even check to see if she did her work. She also believes everything my stepdaughter says without checking up on it...She never even gets the report cards or all of the notes home about the classes she's cutting... wonder why????

But DH made sure he received the report cards and any other mailings so we get them and she can't throw them away before we see them...

She wants to go into fashion, but she never took any type of internship, or even a job in a clothing store... I see her with her nose in magazines all the time, but never a sketchbook, or researching design...She is your typical lazy teenager who sleeps all day. Yes, she is responsible for her little sister and that took a lot of energy from her, but she should have some type of focus.

I know most of her friends' families are wealthy, and maybe she sees them all planning to go away to college without having to worry about financial aid and student loans, and maybe that makes her resentful, or even apathetic to the whole thing. She expresses the desire to go to college, and will look up colleges, so there is a desire there...

But after years of her slacking off, and being punished (last year, she even blew a school trip to Italy because she wouldnt get her act together!!!! She was dying to go!!!) it seems that she just isn't really focused, motivate... I don't know. It is very upsetting and frustrating...

It is eating away at me. I am so worried about what she will do next year.

It is so strange and difficult juggling a baby and a senior as well. Not to mention the fact that I'm concerned that my 10 yr old stapdaughter must really be going thru her own stuff - all the focus is on her sister going to college, and her baby brother...

I'm sorry ladies- but one day we will all have teenagers and going through this - maybe its hard to relate to now, but it really is stressful and heartbreaking. I don't know what to do....

Message edited 10/19/2007 12:44:53 PM.

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

Maybe you guys should set up a meeting with you and your DH, your stepdaughter and her mom.
School counselors rock and they might really be able to help!

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

I would suggest come counseling too. Look at all the changes these girls have had in their lives. But honestly that could be just her. Some kids don't step it up until that first denial letter hits from colleges and then they pull out their A game for college. Others it's the opposite they have it together in high school and fall apart in college. Honestly though I would look into letting her talk to someone. I hope she appreciates the fact that she has such a caring step mother though.

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

Hey Liza....I was thinking about you this week. I attended the guidance expo and we had our school's college fair. Check out Berkeley College. They have a few campuses throughout NY and NJ. Their req's for admissions are not crazy competitive and they have a major in fashion marketing and management (not really design though).

http://www.berkeleycollege.edu/bachelors/Fashion_Marketing/INDEX.HTM

Check out their site. If you think you may be interested, they have a fashion tour coming up where they go into some big name labels and see how things work. It may be worth it just to see if she likes it. FM me for the info (I have the flyer in my office). I think it's $50 but the rep said if you e-mail her, that could be waived. HTH

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

Posted by Little-J-Mommy

Hey Liza....I was thinking about you this week. I attended the guidance expo and we had our school's college fair. Check out Berkeley College. They have a few campuses throughout NY and NJ. Their req's for admissions are not crazy competitive and they have a major in fashion marketing and management (not really design though).

http://www.berkeleycollege.edu/bachelors/Fashion_Marketing/INDEX.HTM

Check out their site. If you think you may be interested, they have a fashion tour coming up where they go into some big name labels and see how things work. It may be worth it just to see if she likes it. FM me for the info (I have the flyer in my office). I think it's $50 but the rep said if you e-mail her, that could be waived. HTH

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

Are you sure she wants to go to college are is she being pushed into it? If she qualifies for financial aid I'd make sure. My friend blew all her financial aid when she wasn't serious about school and now that she went back she has to take out tons of student loans. I think some kids need to experience the "real world" for a little while to help them realize how valuable a college education is. I know that worked for me.
As for counseling I agree with others that she could really benefit from talking to someone (who wouldn't?) I think your DH and her mom need to work something out to be more available to her(It's probably one of her issues). This is a crucial stage in her life and she needs all the support she can get.

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

I think she is not interested in anything yet.

I used to be that way. Hardly studying to pass grads. I hated it all. Everything was "blah".

Then YEARS later, I went back to school for something I really wanted to do. I Aced it all even the NY State Board.

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

I can relate in a way.

I have an older stepdaughter that is a junior in HS and a younger stepdaughter that is a freshman. We are custodial with a baby on the way.

I would call the guidance office and speak to the counselor and talk it through. He might suggest a meeting and it should be all of you (bio-mom included). It's all in the best interest of the kids, so it's important that you are all on the same page.

Good luck! Being a stepmom is not easy. FM me if you ever want to vent/talk.

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

Posted by MrsSteflily

I can relate in a way.

I have an older stepdaughter that is a junior in HS and a younger stepdaughter that is a freshman. We are custodial with a baby on the way.

I would call the guidance office and speak to the counselor and talk it through. He might suggest a meeting and it should be all of you (bio-mom included). It's all in the best interest of the kids, so it's important that you are all on the same page.

Good luck! Being a stepmom is not easy. FM me if you ever want to vent/talk.

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

sorry you're going through this

Just a thought: She doesn't necessarily have to look at schools for fashion design. Their are plenty of things she could do, including being a buyer.

It hink the first thing is to encourage her to get a job in retail. Even if it's a part time job. Maybe a place like Express or something.

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

I am a social worker and I would definitely get her to see a counselor, there could be something more there that she doesn't want to let you and hubby on to. Just getting her to open up and get to the bottom of the problem may make a huge difference. have her set up some gaols. Good Luck....that is a tough age alot going on for these kids, in reality they are really just kids still, yet we treat them like adults.

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

Liza, I can sort of relate and know what you're going through bc although my 17 year old sister is doing great in school, she is going through a wholle other ball park of issues that are very scary and we're all so helpless as to what to do about them...we've talked to her so much and while it has helped her realize some things, she continues to do what she wants to do...certain things, while they must be laid out on the table for them to see, they must go through and realize for themselves...in any event, good luck and talk talk talk to her!

Message edited 10/19/2007 10:22:21 AM.

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

My sister has 3 step daughters and had some severe problems with the youngest one. The Mom took off to Fla and shipping the youngest (14 at the time she went) to live with her Mom did wonders for the kid (although it took quite sometime for the Mom to show an active interest)
Basically my BIL told her Mother she needs help and I've done all the therapy and counseling I can in NY with her. Now you need to try in Fla and we'll see what happens. After attending regular therapy she is a completely different child (one I like and had stay over vs. a girl who used to scare me)

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

What kind of fashion is she into? Design? Buying? Interior Design? Marketing?

I went to Suffolk Community College and then transferred to FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology) in NYC. I wanted to go straight to FIT, but my parents wouldn't allow it until I proved myself in SCC.

I also have an 11 year old stepdaughter whom we have had custody of since she was 7 (and she hasn't seen/heard from her mom in over 2 years), but that's a whole other story.

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent...

Thanks ladies!!!!

I was a wreck today. I couldnt just sit on this - I had to do something.... I finally called her guidance counselor. She was very happy to hear from me, because she couldn't figure out how to get in touch with anyone (I love DH, but he hasn't taken a strong intiative with this), and her mom's home phone was shut off....

She expressed concern about her as well. We had a long talk. She told me she feels there are some issues there and she may need to go to counseling I agree. She is the type of young woman who bottles things inside - sort of like her dad.... She also told me she has been cutting a whole lot of classes, and school. She told her she was sick, which is not true.

But, we made an appointment to meet with her- with DH, who was going to take off on Halloween. So, I will drop Cailen off at day care, and we are going to meet with her and my stepdaughter and make some kind of plan.

thank you ladies. I just want to see her succeed, as everyone else does. If she doesn't go to college right away, and works instead, that is ok - but I want her to at least have some type of plan. Not flounder around aimlessly. If she does that, then fine, but at least we did everything to help her direct herself....





This is so hard. I look at little baby Cailen, and wonder if I'll have the energy at 51 years old to go through all this with him.....

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent... Updated on bottom....

Wow you're a great stepmom. I sure one day she will appreciate you caring so much about her

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent... Updated on bottom....

Good Luck...I dont really have any advice b/c my stepdaughters are only 9 & 4. But she is lucky to have you as a stepmother.

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent... Updated on bottom....

Liza, I don't have any stepchildren but I wanted to offer some hugs. It sounds like she really has a good head on her shoulders and will be alright in the longrun, especially with a stepmom like you

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent... Updated on bottom....

They aren't my step kids, but I can sort of relate b/c of the relationship we have with DH's siblings (16, 14 &11)

Honestly, I wouldn't push her into college if she isn't ready yet. Not everyone is ready at 18 to go to college. Maybe she needs to work at the Gap for a year and go to Suffolk or just work for a year and then get her butt into school.

I should have taken a year off between high school and college. I was SUPER competitive in hs, got into the Ivys and went away and totally self distructed

Just work with her, let her pave her own path with your help, support and guidence

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent... Updated on bottom....

As a college professor I can tell you that I really wish more students would take time off between high school and freshman year and just have a job. Too many kids go right to college because they figure they 'have' to go - or they are pushed in that direction - and they just aren't ready, or dont want to - and they dont commit to working hard in college (or at least in my classes).

Some of the best students I've had were students who weren't the most disciplined or focused students in high school. They took jobs in retail or waitressing - and after a year or two of doing that (in some cases it was longer), they made the decision that they wanted to go to school to get a degree and have a better career.

I think counseling is a great option. I think she's going through a difficult time and will appreciate the fact that you really want to hear what she wants to do with her life (even if she isnt responsive at first).

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent... Updated on bottom....

Being a HS teacher, I can somewhat relate. how about if she sees a psychologist or social worker at school? They may be someone that can help and they could take her out of a non-academic class too so she wouldn't fall behind.

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent... Updated on bottom....

Posted by lipglossjunky73

Thanks ladies!!!!

I was a wreck today. I couldnt just sit on this - I had to do something.... I finally called her guidance counselor. She was very happy to hear from me, because she couldn't figure out how to get in touch with anyone (I love DH, but he hasn't taken a strong intiative with this), and her mom's home phone was shut off....

She expressed concern about her as well. We had a long talk. She told me she feels there are some issues there and she may need to go to counseling I agree. She is the type of young woman who bottles things inside - sort of like her dad.... She also told me she has been cutting a whole lot of classes, and school. She told her she was sick, which is not true.

But, we made an appointment to meet with her- with DH, who was going to take off on Halloween. So, I will drop Cailen off at day care, and we are going to meet with her and my stepdaughter and make some kind of plan.

thank you ladies. I just want to see her succeed, as everyone else does. If she doesn't go to college right away, and works instead, that is ok - but I want her to at least have some type of plan. Not flounder around aimlessly. If she does that, then fine, but at least we did everything to help her direct herself....





This is so hard. I look at little baby Cailen, and wonder if I'll have the energy at 51 years old to go through all this with him.....

Re: I know many of you ladies won't really be able to relate here, but need to vent... Updated on bottom....

You pretty much just described my HS motiviation. I've always been smart, not to toot my own horn, but I just didn't care. I was way more concerned with the social aspect of school. It took me until me sophomore year of college to get myself in gear. I got a writing award and finally realized that I was capable of even more than I had given myself credit for. I transfered schools and wound up graduating with honors.
I know you want to do something to help her now, but it may just be one of those things she needs to get to on her own. I would help her research colleges and apply NOW. She's getting closer and closer to deadlines. Encourage her to go to a state school to lower some of the expense. In a worst case scenario, she can go to a community college, get her grades up and then transfer someowhere else.