I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

I really need to get my thoughts out and hope you ladies don’t mind…..

DH and I moved down to NC after we got married. We found a great house with the acreage we wanted and definitely at a crazy low price. When we first moved down here, it was with the intention of me being able to stay home once we had children. We found good jobs with pretty darn good benefits (my health insurance covered IVF 100%).

We were absolutely thrilled to find out we were having twins – talk about getting it all done in one shot! At this point, we think we are done and won’t be trying for anymore children. I’m 38 and had complications with this pregnancy, so I’m happy with my boys. After finding out what daycare costs are for 2 children ($1550 per month), I almost passed out (this is the same as my mortgage payment!).

My DH works for the state and had to take a small paycut – and there obviously won’t be any raises or promotions in the near future. We sat down and figured out how much we’d have left over if I quit my job and stayed home with the boys. It was only $380 per month. That’s nowhere near enough of a cushion. This would have to cover co-pays, medicines, family birthdays, clothing, entertainment, etc. And of course, any emergencies, like a car or house repair. No way. We also have a fear of him getting laid off, being that he works for the state and all. We can’t risk my quitting and then him getting laid off. There are NO JOBS in my field, so if I left, I’d be extremely hard-pressed finding anything else for a long time.

My whole point to this long-winded post is that I feel so guilty sometimes. I look at my sons and hope they don’t think I don’t love them for not being home with them. I miss them so much while they are at daycare. Our daycare is in our church and the women there are really great…..but….I want it to be me…..YET….when I was on maternity leave, I couldn’t wait to go back to work because the boys were driving me crazy. I told DH that there was NO WAY I could be a SAHM…..Having twins and dealing with them 100% by myself is so much harder than I could have EVER imagined. We have no family down here at all. It was all on me……Then I feel so guilty for having these selfish thoughts. I am their mother and it’s not about me. I feel like I should sacrifice anything to be there for them. I have such conflicting emotions. When I was on maternity leave, they were up every 3 hours and feeding one while the other was screaming was so friggin hard….DH didn’t get up to help me except on the weekends. I was out of my mind. When they turned about 10 weeks, they both STTN and we have been very blessed. It would be A LOT easier for me to be a SAHM, now that I would get sleep. I wish I could do it now, but we can’t. Financially, we just can’t risk it.

There are some people in my circle (including my own brother) who have made comments that they couldn’t leave their children with strangers. And what was the point of having children if I couldn’t be the one taking care of them. And you will miss so much….I could go on and on…..Those comments have cut me deeply. I went through so much just to get pregnant and I love my sons with every fiber of my being. Why oh why do people have so say such hurtful things? I feel enough guilt, no need to add to it.

Thanks for listening…..and hopefully, understanding….

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

I totally understand. I deal with my twins all by myself day in and day out and it is very draining. I was just telling DH last night about how trapped I feel.
I work from home, so I am lucky that I get to be home with them, but at the same time, because I work from home I don't get the socialization aspect of going into an office, so I am crazy busy - between taking care of the babies and working, I NEVER get a break. I have to work when they are napping, and at night, and on the weekends when DH is home.

If we could afford it, I would get a nanny or put them in daycare a couple of days a week. But like you said, the cost of day care for two infants is astronomical, so that is just not an option for me.

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

I have twins also and I ran back to work! I love my children dearly, I would give my life for them! But, at the end of the summer, I am done! I am a fried egg! I run back to school!

With twins it is a whole different story! They drain you from the first day they are here! I would rather they be in daycare with people who are happy and excited to see them, rather then a grumpy mom who cannot stand another afternoon in the park!

Some moms are great at staying home! My hats off to them! Others are not cut out for it!

Don't worry about what other people say! Your kidlets will be just fine!

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

I think it is so mean for your brother to say those things. Someone else is not raising your child. I could only imagine how hurt I would be from those comments, but know that you are doing the best for your children, for yourself, and your family. Don't let anyone make you doubt your choices!

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

Posted by Diana1215

I think it is so mean for your brother to say those things. Someone else is not raising your child. I could only imagine how hurt I would be from those comments, but know that you are doing the best for your children, for yourself, and your family. Don't let anyone make you doubt your choices!

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

Message edited 8/6/2009 8:42:35 AM.

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

Posted by BigB

I have twins also and I ran back to work! I love my children dearly, I would give my life for them! But, at the end of the summer, I am done! I am a fried egg! I run back to school!

With twins it is a whole different story! They drain you from the first day they are here! I would rather they be in daycare with people who are happy and excited to see them, rather then a grumpy mom who cannot stand another afternoon in the park!

Some moms are great at staying home! My hats off to them! Others are not cut out for it!

Don't worry about what other people say! Your kidlets will be just fine!

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

Posted by KateDevine

Posted by Diana1215

I think it is so mean for your brother to say those things. Someone else is not raising your child. I could only imagine how hurt I would be from those comments, but know that you are doing the best for your children, for yourself, and your family. Don't let anyone make you doubt your choices!

ITA!!

No one is raising your kids for you, I hate that expression! If you are working to provide for your family then you ARE taking care of you

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

my baby isnt here yet, but i have this mental debate like every day. like you, me & DH relocated to PA from NY to afford a house. I still commute to NYC, DH works in Philly. My salary would go to commuting and daycare basically so sometimes i think i might as well just stay home if my pay is going to go to someone else to take care of my kid.

i love the place i work, but don't want to be that far from home. so im debating staying home working on my side business full time as i generate a pretty good income from that; or finding something part time in my area that will at least make some $$, get me out of the house a few days and maybe find an in home sitter for DS.

i dont know..its all very confusing and i have yet to figure it out.

Message edited 8/6/2009 8:56:00 AM.

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

Posted by Tine73

ITA as well. It really burns me when ppl say that. And honestly I am really and sick of people's reaction when they hear that DD goes to daycare. You would think I am sending her to a concentration camp by the looks on their faces. You are doing what works for you and your family. Don't feel guilty AT ALL.

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

Posted by Diana1215

I think it is so mean for your brother to say those things. Someone else is not raising your child. I could only imagine how hurt I would be from those comments, but know that you are doing the best for your children, for yourself, and your family. Don't let anyone make you doubt your choices!

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

if you are happy working, then work.

I have a similiar NC story. I had my kid then babysat someone else's for 2 years.
For us it was the best of both worlds.

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

I am a SAHM of 16 m/o twins. I completely understand how hard it is. Unless a person has twins they can't even imagine how difficult that first year is, let alone being there every single day to take care of them. I struggle with it daily and feel just as you've written. I, too, had trouble getting pregnant, but luckily only had to do IUI's. I am now due with my 3rd baby in Sept.
I think I would be a better Mom to them if I worked, but that's not an option. My entire salary would have gone to daycare. Plus I really don't trust people.
You have to do what you need to do. If your DH's situation may not be permanent, then you have to stay at your job, or have him start looking for other work. My DH's job is very stable, so that is why I am home, but one salary is never easy.
Being a Mom is never easy. We do put ourselves on the back burner most of the time, but we still are human. We do matter.
I often think my kids would be happier in daycare because my son is soooo clingy that it's hard for others to watch him if I need to do something. I even had a Mother's Helper, but had to let her go because my son wouldn't let me get anything done if he knew I was around. Your boys will not think badly of you for them being in daycare. I'm sure they are having a ball each day.
People will make comments, but what is right for you is the only thing that matters.
(Case in point - my SIL was going to quit her job after her second child was born. Her DH was making great money. Well, she never quit, had someone watching her kids. The economy busted and her DH was making barely any money - literally. If she hadn't kept her job, they would have lost their houses, cars, etc. )
Do what you need to do with your head up.
And if you ever need to vent about caring for twins, FM me.
Lisa

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

Posted by MrsRbk


Is it possible that you can do that? Will your daycare give you a PT rate? Is that even a possibility for you?

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

I want to thank each and every one of you for your very kind and comforting words. I was afraid that it would turn into a post about working moms vs. sahm and that's NOT what this is about. You are all so wonderful and supportive, thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

Comments like your brother's really piss me off.

Part of being a parent means making decisions and sacrfices in the best interests of your children. I will work because it will make my family's life better. My child will not be lacking in any kind of love or attention just because I am not a SAHM. Everyone needs to make their own choices, it's no one's business what your family needs are.

There are plenty of children that have SAHM and are not necessarily the better for it.

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

After 20 months, I have learned that I really have to have a thick skin as a mom in order to keep my sanity. Generally, I try to only pay attention to the advice I ask for and ignore the rest. Most of the time it works, when it doesn't, I second guess myself and drive myself nuts.

As a parent, there are SO many things that potentially make one feel guilty. You already have guilt about your daycare decision. Don't let anyone make you feel worse about it. I have said this before, but for our family, in our situation, it is best if I work. There are so many variables that go into the decision to work or stay home and circumstances may force you to change that decison at any time. As long as you are giving your twins the love and care they need, they are going to flourish.

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

first of all -

the only thing i want to say is...would you rather miss your sons dearly, or want to have some time away from them all the time? just because they are STTN doesn't meant that being a SAHM will automatically become easier. sleep or not, it's a 24/7 job. you can't turn it off...at least for me it's like that.

people will say stupid hurtful things like that because it's easy for them to give you that advice, but if they were in your shoes, they'd see the circumstances you're in and agree that your arrangement is the best.

yes, your kids and in daycare and yes it is hurts you to leave them, but think about how much extra love and affection they're receiving from you and your DH!

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

IMO, it is hard to be a SAHM or a working mom--either way you wind up feeling as if something is missing in your life. My advice re: people's comments is that you should do your best to ignore them. Children will always be happiest if their parents are happy, so if you enjoy being at work, stay at work. I can imagine you miss your babies during the day, so it isn't an ideal solution.

I do feel I am getting to a point where I will be a better mother when I am working again. But I am also in a field where there are very few jobs right now, and I also take offense when people tell me to just go back to work. I loved what I did previously, and if it involved waiting, I'll have to wait a little longer and in the meantime see if there are other things I could do that I would also enjoy. Plus, I do know deep down that once I got back to work, I would miss DS terribly.

As I said, I don't think either solution is ideal. PT work is probably as good as it gets, but there isn't enough to go around, and it doesn't always pay the bills.

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

I don't have twins, but I have a 1 year old and a 2 1/2 year old. I always wanted to be a SAHM, but I couldn't afford it (although I'm very lucky I can afford and am able to work part time.) I had terrible guilt about daycare, but I can honestly say that they are well taken care of and I know this because not only has my children learned far more than I could have taught them on my own, but my 2 1/2 year old asks to go to "school."

I lost my job in May and decided to continue to send them 2 or 3 days a week for short days for 2 reasons. First because I need to find a new job and i didn't want to totally take them out of the routine and secondly because I KNOW they love it. They have fun and they tell me (well not my 1 year old - but he gets very excited when we get there.)

I always thought bad about my choice when my DD (DC #1) was little, but now I know I made the right choice (even though because of finances there really wasn't much of a choice.) My point is one day they will tell you how much fun they have and the guilt will go away. Right now I'm back to feeling guilty because I'm not working, but she asks to go, so I send her for a few hours. AND I will admit at this stage (1 and 2 1/2) I don't think I would be as happy as a mom if I had to care for them 24/7 on my own (my DH works late and is really only around on the weekends)

You have to do what's right for you. Being a SAHM isn't for everyone and being a working mom isn't for everyone. My new job which I start in the fall will be part time working from home, but they will need to be in daycare because I need to bill my hours and have to get stuff done. I'm a bit worried whether or not I'll like it (not being out of the house with other people) but it allows me the flexibilty I need to spend as much time as possible with them. All moms have to make scarfices, they just aren't all the same. Don't let anyone make you feel bad and shame on them for doing that.

Message edited 8/6/2009 1:32:28 PM.

Re: I need to get my thoughts out...This is a long one -- grab a cup of coffee...

first of all,

i don't have twins, but i can definitely relate to your feelings when on maternity leave.

i am on maternity leave right now and, to be honest, i don't really like it

don't get me wrong - i couldn't be more thrilled to have my DD - but staying at home makes me depressed. i miss work. i love what i do. i can't change these feelings.

i've had family members make similar comments to me about my children being taken care of by others during the day. at first i felt horribly guilty about it.

but you know what? happy mommy = happy baby. my son is thriving, and our family couldn't be better. i know the same will be true with DD when it comes time for me to go back to work. i now just ignore the mean-spirited people who try to make me feel bad