If you don't personally speak to your in-laws, how do you explain it to your DC?

So, we've come to that point in time where Ava is starting to ask why I don't ever go to JT's parents' house with them. I fended it off the first time by saying that I don't speak to them, and that was a good enough answer for her, but now she's asking more and more. I won't go into the details, as most of you remember them, but two years ago my husband and I stopped talking to his parents. Recently, JT has started to speak to his parents again on a limited basis, but we agreed that I would have no involvement with them, as they have been horribly cruel to me without apology. So, he brings Ava to their house once or twice a month for a very heavily supervised visit that lasts at most an hour. But that's beside the point. How do I explain to her that we don't speak and what do I tell her when she asks why?

Re: If you don't personally speak to your in-laws, how do you explain it to your DC?

This is actually a very good question. I am in the same situation as you but Jacob is still too young to really understand. As of now, both me and DH dont speak to his mother and if there is ever any contact in the future, it will not be from me.

Re: If you don't personally speak to your in-laws, how do you explain it to your DC?

I'm honestly not sure. I guess you can tell her that Mommy and Grandma and Grandpa don't agree on things and everyone is happier if they have Ava time separately?

My grandfather was totally out of our lives, never met the man, but I never met him, so no one ever explained anything

Re: If you don't personally speak to your in-laws, how do you explain it to your DC?

I am not sure since you are the only one not talking to them.

My dad is completely out of our lives and never met DS. Only even found I got married and had a child when DS was 8 months. Some big mouth in the family told him.

I would just say that sometimes grown ups do things that are hard to understand for little children.

I would not bad mouth the grandparents (even they really deserve it!!!). Kids figure out rather quickly who people really are without having to be the bad guy and tell them.

Re: If you don't personally speak to your in-laws, how do you explain it to your DC?

Thats a really tough one.

You don't want to pass your bad feelings on to Ava and at the same time you want to be honest.

Since you already started by saying that you don't speak with them, Ava will remember this, you should clarify by saying that sometimes adults hurt each other feelings and right now mommy and her grandparents are taking a time out for a little while because of hurt feelings. Since none of that involves Ava it makes Mommy very happy that G-ma and G-pa love her so much and want to spend time with her.

I think she would understand that and knowing that she has nothing to do with the "hurt feelings" she will enjoy her time there.

--This is my best answer =)

ETA:
I don't know your past but if Ava is a part of the reason why you are not speaking to them, she should never know.

Message edited 11/25/2008 3:53:03 PM.

Re: If you don't personally speak to your in-laws, how do you explain it to your DC?

Tough situation. I don't speak to my twin sister, BIL & their kids. Not the same thing. Joseph has asked incessantly why. It's never occurred to Maddie to ask.

Since I consider Ava like the girl Joseph, I'll throw out there what I've said.

First I told him we argued & didn't get along. He translated that into he never had to speak to or see his sister again if he didn't want. (sigh...)

Then I told him that when he was an adult, he could make those decisions but for now he has to use his words & let things go.

I told him that it was an adult thing that he may understand when he's an adult.

Last, I told him his aunt had issues she has to work on & when/if she ever got done with them, we'd see her. Issues is translated by him as "problems" or "troubles".

I don't know if it was the right thing but it stopped the questions.

etd. because surprise, surprise I can't type!

Message edited 11/25/2008 4:01:59 PM.

Re: If you don't personally speak to your in-laws, how do you explain it to your DC?

Thanks, everyone. I never speak poorly about my inlaws to Ava because it's not appropriate for me to do so (even if I want to so badly!). She has such a limited relationship with them, anyway. Would it be wrong for me to tell her that we just don't get along? I think she's still asking me because she doesn't really understand, she just knows that when she goes to see them, I'm never there. JT suggested that I just tell her for now that I'm too busy to talk to them In any case, thank you for responding, and if anyone has anything else to add, I'd appreciate it!

Re: If you don't personally speak to your in-laws, how do you explain it to your DC?

Luckily Dee has already figured out and stated on her own- grandma C is mean and that she doesn't like her I don't have to say or do squat.

Honestly when it comes to my Dad and she asks I just ignore the question but then again she doesn't see him like Ava sees JT's parents.

Re: If you don't personally speak to your in-laws, how do you explain it to your DC?

I dont speak to my Dad. Ive tried. For years I tried. Reached my limit and I no longer speak to him. I havent since the twins were infants.

My mom use to take them to see him from time to time. (they havent been married for years but she use to take them to see him.. )

In the beginning I think I just told the girls that Omi took them there while I was at work and that that was why I didnt go with them. This worked for quite awhile.

As they got older I use to just tell them that I tried for a very long time to have a relationship with Grandpa but he's not a very good Daddy. He is a nice Grandpa but not a good Daddy. Then when they were even older I basically just told them the same thing but in by then they could fill in the blanks any way..