If you've been through a divorce in the family...some advice?

I posted a lot about this in LIW, so many of you know that this past February my dad packe dup his stuff without warning and left to go live with his 35 y/o girlfriend. Obviously this has been really ainful for everyone, especially my mother, and there's a really learning curve involved. For example, my anniversary with Fh fell on Father's Day this year but we just went out to dinner as planned, and OMG was it the biggest mistake ever...sitting next to a family with 2 little girls saying "I love you daddy" all night But anyway, my mom's would-be anniversary is coming up, and there's always Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. I just don't know what to do for my family. Last year around Christmas is when my dad started acting strangely and this year will be ou first Christmas without him. Do you have any tips on how to deal with these things or how to help my mom deal? FH and I even considered depleting our entire wedding fund to take my mom on vacation for christmastime. I don't think that's a really practical idea...but I don't know. Is it best to do things they way we always did, or to do things totally differently? Do you have any experienc with this or how I can help my family cope? I'm actually the youngest, but I'm the one who's really working to keep the family together, along with my mom of course.

I'm not looking for pity, just some advice from someone who's been there. Thanks so much. I really appreciate. You have all been wonderful

Re: If you've been through a divorce in the family...some advice?

well my parents are divorced but it was more mutual....

IMO spending your money to send your mother on a vacation is a wonderful idea....But i don't think that is what i would do. I think she will be upset whether she is here or there. I think i would go about having christmas they way you always did....

I think the best thing you can do for your mom is to just be there for her

Re: If you've been through a divorce in the family...some advice?

Re: If you've been through a divorce in the family...some advice?

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

I know its not the same thing at all, but when my dad passed away my family had to go to a similar adjustment- holidays and such without him.

What helped us is to start new rituals for our family. When we would have a family dinner in my mom's house (at first) we just looked over at the empty chair and felt such a loss. We started to invite friends of teh family to events that were only family. Now that we are older, instead of having our mom host all the holidays, my sister does. The loss is still there, but there are new wonderful things to experience- especially as our family grows bigger (my sister just had a baby- we each got married- not in that order ) and we feel the loss a little less.

What I learned is that nothing you do will make your mom forget, just be there for her and support her. Let her know that you love her, and that she is beautiful and a wonderful person who has showered her children with love and raised such wonderful people who care about her so much. YOu can also ask her what she needs- and do that for her.

Re: If you've been through a divorce in the family...some advice?

I agree with Shellyesq--work on making new traditions. We used to have dinner in our home for xmas and xmas eve, and since my parents split 5 years ago we all go out to eat to different restaurants. This year DH and I had everyone over for a dessert party on xmas eve to our home--DH's family and mine as well. ETA: Minus my dad--I don't talk to him much since they divorced.

It is sad, and I am sure your mom will be hurting, but as my mom often tells me she reminds herself of what my dad became and why she is so much happier alone. Don't get me wrong, I know she would love to fall in love again, but in her 60s she is picky and knows what she wants. If it doesn't happen, so be it. I am sure your mom feels the same way. It isn't enough to have anyone, you want the right person, and obviously the person your dad became was not the person she fell in love with. I think this takes time to realize, but I think her feelings of being bitter will change when she realizes she is better without him.

Message edited 8/30/2005 10:20:34 AM.

Re: If you've been through a divorce in the family...some advice?

Posted by Shellyesq

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

I know its not the same thing at all, but when my dad passed away my family had to go to a similar adjustment- holidays and such without him.

What helped us is to start new rituals for our family. When we would have a family dinner in my mom's house (at first) we just looked over at the empty chair and felt such a loss. We started to invite friends of teh family to events that were only family. Now that we are older, instead of having our mom host all the holidays, my sister does. The loss is still there, but there are new wonderful things to experience- especially as our family grows bigger (my sister just had a baby- we each got married- not in that order ) and we feel the loss a little less.

What I learned is that nothing you do will make your mom forget, just be there for her and support her. Let her know that you love her, and that she is beautiful and a wonderful person who has showered her children with love and raised such wonderful people who care about her so much. YOu can also ask her what she needs- and do that for her.

Re: If you've been through a divorce in the family...some advice?

Thank you so much for your compassion and advice. That's what I wondering, keeping the same or starting anew, because I felt like if we did things the same way, we'd really feel like, oh he's not here...the empty chair syndrome. So maybe it is better to start things anew. We won't forget but it'll bea new beginning Fh wanted to host thanksgiivng thisyear but I told him no b/c the apt is so small and has no kitchen space, but maybe I'll let him invite everyone...even if it'll be hard, it'll be something new,

Re: If you've been through a divorce in the family...some advice?

advice my dad once gave me: The best revenge is to live life well.

Go on as normal....without your father. But maybe talk to your mom about it?? Ask her if there is something she'd like to change or a new tradition she'd always wanted to start.

Maybe have holidays at a different home???

It is tough and my parents divorce wasn't too hard until MUCH later when I realized so many pent up feelings.

Re: If you've been through a divorce in the family...some advice?

if u can do it, take your mom to a spa. a day of pampering she would like.

Re: If you've been through a divorce in the family...some advice?

Re: If you've been through a divorce in the family...some advice?