Inferlity problems and talking to friends/family about it

Last week I was at a friends house for a small party. My two best friends know everything that is going on (we are doing IVF soon). My one friend asked me how it is going and if we made a decision. I was talking to her about it for maybe 2 minutes when out of no where she stops me mid sentence to reach and show me a card her daughter gave her for her bday. It was so weird I was literally mid sentence and I could see her eyes wandering and getting uncomfortable about it. Why even ask me if you really do not want to know? I do not mind talking about it but when I do you should at least listen for a few minutes. After that she just walked away. I was so hurt by this.

Has anyone experienced something similiar? Have you just stopped talking to people about it?

Re: Inferlity problems and talking to friends/family about it

That was really insensitive. I'm sorry to hear that a good friend would react that way. We haven't shared our situation with many people at all. I'm very selective about who I will tell. It might sound weird but I don't want my friends who have multiple kids (I do have one now) to think they are "better than me." I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do feel "defective." we had no trouble the first time, but now that I'm older, it's been challenging (to say the least.)

Re: Inferlity problems and talking to friends/family about it

I only experienced something like this by one of my friends. Whenever I would talk about it, she would find a reason to change the subject. It actually bothered me a lot since she was a close friend of mine- actually my MOH in my wedding!!! I just gave up talking about it with her.

Oh, and then I got pregnant and she found out through a mutual friend. She knew how we struggled to get where we were but instead of calling to congratulate me, she just sent me an instant message. I thought that was tacky. She could have at least called. Then when I found out I was losing the baby she didn't call for several weeks.


I think anything baby related must make her queasy or something

Re: Inferlity problems and talking to friends/family about it

That is horrible. I guess people who don't know exactly what we go through don't really know how to handle these situations.
There are certain people I try not to talk to about everything, one being my SIL - she is on #2 (due next week) and is always telling me how long it took her to concieve - wow! a whole 10 months - it's been 3 years for me!!
My sister is the easiest to talk to about it, she doesn't say those words we all hate to hear (Just Relax and it will happen). She actually listens and is very supportive.

Re: Inferlity problems and talking to friends/family about it

That was incredibly rude and insensitive of her.

That being said, I find it impossible for people who have not gone thru IVF to relate to our struggle or be empathetic. For this reason and many others, i limited what i share with people.

Even if they don't mean to intentionally hurt you, some people end up reacting in the most absurd ways. After explaining to my cousin, who I know loves me and wouldnt want to hurt me that i am starting IVF, she responds with "you know like 80% of 1st time pregnancy end in miscarriage anyway, so thats a lot of $ to waste on that" and don't get me started about how many people JUMPED on the adoption bang wagon even BEFORE my first IVF

Re: Inferlity problems and talking to friends/family about it

Posted by maybemommy10

fter explaining to my cousin, who I know loves me and wouldnt want to hurt me that i am starting IVF, she responds with "you know like 80% of 1st time pregnancy end in miscarriage anyway, so thats a lot of $ to waste on that" and don't get me started about how many people JUMPED on the adoption bang wagon even BEFORE my first IVF

Re: Inferlity problems and talking to friends/family about it

That seems really insensitive. Did you ask her what that was about? Maybe she doens know how to react to the whole situation. Either way, that sounds really socially awkward

Re: Inferlity problems and talking to friends/family about it

That was so insensitive of her, I am sorry that she acted that way. But as many ladies said, unless you are in this situation you really don't know how to be truly sympathetic.

Unfortunately, I have been getting mixed reactions from friends and family. I am not sure if I am being needy, but what kills me is that my Mom, of all people is so indifferent. She rarely asks me how I am doing, she still has not asked if I am pregnant or not (had failed IUI). So I am a little resentful, because it is my mother. I know people have their own lives and their own issues. But don't approach me as if though you are truly concerned when you are not.

So we have made the decision to limit what we say about our next plans.

Re: Inferlity problems and talking to friends/family about it

Posted by PennyCat

Posted by maybemommy10

fter explaining to my cousin, who I know loves me and wouldnt want to hurt me that i am starting IVF, she responds with "you know like 80% of 1st time pregnancy end in miscarriage anyway, so thats a lot of $ to waste on that" and don't get me started about how many people JUMPED on the adoption bang wagon even BEFORE my first IVF

I had a similar situation!!!! I told a close friend of mine that I was pregnant and just 30 seconds later she's telling me about all the people she knew who recently had miscarriages!!! Then she told me about a baby she knew who was born early and didn't look like a regular baby because he was so preemie.. WHO would say such a think after someone announces they are pregnant?!?!

In the meantime, we know what happened later on in my pregnancy.. needless to say.. I didn't even share that news with her until this week. I just couldn't bare the thought of what she might say after she said such stupid things to me last time

I am on a quest to find smarter friends!

Re: Inferlity problems and talking to friends/family about it

I havnt told any family members, including my mother, I just feel like it would add more pressure and I am already under enough as it is. I also cant help feeling defective and I dont want pity from people so I wanted as few people to know as possible. The 2 friends I did confide in have been through infertility issues so they know exactly what Im going through and it really has been a blessing and a support being able to talk to them. I have friends who I am very close with and have known since I was 4 that I havnt told bc I dont think you can really understand infertility unless you are going through it, I know I certainly didnt before we started having problems TTC.

Re: Inferlity problems and talking to friends/family about it

I was having the same problem and actually discussed this on a different website. I am on my 3rd IVF and have been dealing with infertility for about 4-5yrs. I have done numerous IUS and on my 4th doctor, Braverman who I love!! Anyway at first my husband and I were quiet about the whole thing, my family knew and we told his family when we got excited like after the retrieval and finding out how many eggs fertilized. I got upset with my mother-in-law when she told people cause we wanted to be the ones that told them. It has gotten to the point where I have decided I, we need to speak up. Im not hiding what we are going through anymore because we need the support. I came out on Facebook, even posting articles that I have found on the internet about infertility, Self magazine had a great one. I posted what my husband and I need from people and the support that was necessary. My MIL still does not get it and my husbands family still does not call.
I have learned it does make me feel better telling everyone, but do it without expectations. Many people will not know what to say or how to respond. I come to this website and I also go to resolve.com which is so helpful. Was it rude what your friend did, you bet but honestly no one understands unless you are walking in our shoes and going through what we are how it feels. You can reach out and try to help them understand but know that all that matters is your feelings. Surround yourself with people that care and make you happy.
Good Luck
Caren