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PrincessP
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Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
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insensitive comment on beravement of a child
A co-worker lost their child who was 19 yrs old. Gorgeous, sweet, innocent young girl. She was telling myself and the other SW'er about her dd's life etc...
She stated as a mother who has lost a child the worst comment she has ever received was "I couldnt walk in your shoes". Interesting to hear bc I could imagine ALOT of people saying that kind of phrase (not necessarily those words).
Do you think that the person who said it was insensitive or do you think the actual mother was being too sensitive?
I could totally imagine "thinking" it but I am unsure I would ever say it to the griever.
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Posted 9/3/08 10:20 AM  |
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2BEANS
wow time is going fast.
Member since 9/07 16106 total posts
Name:
Tina
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
I agree with the thinking part but would never actually say it. Its not very consoling.. maybe thats why she took it as being insensitive.. who wants to hear that comment when going through such a horrible experience.
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:22 AM |
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JenBenMen
party of five
Member since 9/06 11343 total posts
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Jen
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
I think people say a lot of things when someone dies that arent appropriate but they dont realize it or have bad will when they say it
Thats why sometimes the best thing to say is "I am so sorry" and then do things to help
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:24 AM |
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nbc188
Best friends!
Member since 12/06 23090 total posts
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C
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
Posted by JenBenMen
I think people say a lot of things when someone dies that arent appropriate but they dont realize it or have bad will when they say it
Thats why sometimes the best thing to say is "I am so sorry" and then do things to help
ITA! It's hard to find the right words, and sometimes people just say the completely wrong things. I would think this person in particular would have to be really sick to say it intentionally to hurt the poor mother.
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:25 AM |
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Ang-Rich
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
Message edited 9/3/2008 11:13:37 AM.
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:25 AM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
Posted by BabySammie
I agree with the thinking part but would never actually say it. Its not very consoling.. maybe thats why she took it as being insensitive.. who wants to hear that comment when going through such a horrible experience.
Hmmm...see now I forgot to mention this was approx a yr later if that matters at all. I am more of a listener during a crisis so I know for myself it most likely would not come out.
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:26 AM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
She did confront this person approx 15 minutes after they said it. SHe said she was trying to "figure" out what to say bc she didnt want this woman to walk away and say it again to another griever. This womans reaction was pretty much defending her postion rather then just saying I appologize if I hurt you.
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:29 AM |
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2BEANS
wow time is going fast.
Member since 9/07 16106 total posts
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Tina
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
Posted by PrincessP
Posted by BabySammie
I agree with the thinking part but would never actually say it. Its not very consoling.. maybe thats why she took it as being insensitive.. who wants to hear that comment when going through such a horrible experience.
Hmmm...see now I forgot to mention this was approx a yr later if that matters at all. I am more of a listener during a crisis so I know for myself it most likely would not come out.
I think even after a year her pain is still as fresh as the first day, so for her i can see it being hurtfull. Im sure when people say it they dont mean harm.
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:33 AM |
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july0105
My three little miracles
Member since 4/06 2628 total posts
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Alison
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
Posted by Ang-Rich
Ooohhh...that's tough...I mean there's nothing wrong with thinking it but I don't think I'd ever say it. I can't imagine there was bad intent by the person that made the comment...but it was insensitive in my opinion. But I'm also the kind of person that will never tell someone that I understand what they are going through unless I really have been through it myself.
Someone very close to us lost a 3 year old boy - in front of their eyes in a car accident...I often think that I admire them so much for their strength to get up every morning and move forward...if not for themselves but for their family. I think to myself...could I be that strong? and I doubt that I could...but never would I tell her that I couldn't walk in her shoes...if she had the choice I believe that she wouldn't have stepped in them either...she doesn't need to be reminded of that.
It's interesting that you use the word "strong." Although I have not lost a child, I have lost my parents. Growing up without my mom was torture. People have often said to me that I was so strong. I hated hearing that. This is similar to the scenario mentioned in the first post. When people are confronted with awful situations they go on, not because they are strong, but because they have to. They have no choice. I can see how the comment about not being able to walk in someone else's shoes can make people feel uncomfortable. What they are really saying is "Thank goodness I've never HAD to walk in your shoes." The reality is, we would persevere if we had to confront such tragedy.... because we had to.
eta
I know we have all said things like this when we don't really know what to say. My intention was never to criticize people who have said things like this to people who are grieving. 
Message edited 9/3/2008 12:22:21 PM.
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:33 AM |
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MatteosMom
LIF Adult
Member since 8/06 1494 total posts
Name:
Carolyn
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
I have thought those things, like I don't know how you can live after that. But I wouldn't say that, and I believe once you are the one IN that situation, you feel differently. Maybe the person who said it didn't think before the spoke.
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:35 AM |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
This is not the same thing....BUT..
A few people have commented to me "I don't know if I could do it, you're strong". Meaning that b/c I have a child w/special needs, they just couldn't see being able to handle it.
I understand the comment but its not something a parent wants to hear. In MY mind it invalidates every good thing about my son that I love. If that makes sense...I want to say "of course you could do it. It's your kid and you love them, and its not the worst thing in the world".
As for your coworker...awful, awful situation and my heart goes out to her. 
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:36 AM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
Posted by july0105
Posted by Ang-Rich
Ooohhh...that's tough...I mean there's nothing wrong with thinking it but I don't think I'd ever say it. I can't imagine there was bad intent by the person that made the comment...but it was insensitive in my opinion. But I'm also the kind of person that will never tell someone that I understand what they are going through unless I really have been through it myself.
Someone very close to us lost a 3 year old boy - in front of their eyes in a car accident...I often think that I admire them so much for their strength to get up every morning and move forward...if not for themselves but for their family. I think to myself...could I be that strong? and I doubt that I could...but never would I tell her that I couldn't walk in her shoes...if she had the choice I believe that she wouldn't have stepped in them either...she doesn't need to be reminded of that.
It's interesting that you use the word "strong." Although I have not lost a child, I have lost my parents. Growing up without my mom was torture. People have often said to me that I was so strong. I hated hearing that. This is similar to the scenario mentioned in the first post. When people are confronted with awful situations they go on, not because they are strong, but because they have to. They have no choice. I can see how the comment about not being able to walk in someone else's shoes can make people feel uncomfortable. What they are really saying is "Thank goodness I've never HAD to walk in your shoes." The reality is, we would persevere if we had to confront such tragedy.... because we had to.
I agree with you. I dont think things get better, I think they change. And you are right you have to live with it...theres no choice so as much as people try to comfort, sometimes its better to listen and help.
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:37 AM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
Posted by maybebaby
This is not the same thing....BUT..
A few people have commented to me "I don't know if I could do it, you're strong". Meaning that b/c I have a child w/special needs, they just couldn't see being able to handle it.
I understand the comment but its not something a parent wants to hear. In MY mind it invalidates every good thing about my son that I love. If that makes sense...I want to say "of course you could do it. It's your kid and you love them, and its not the worst thing in the world".
As for your coworker...awful, awful situation and my heart goes out to her.
I have a handicapped sister and I absolutely HATE what you just mentioned that people say. These children are HERE and they are present. I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me or my family bc there is a handicapped child. I love my sister as does anyone with a "normal" child/sibling". In grad school, there was a comment that every mother of a handicapped child "mourns" the loss of their "normal" child. SOrry I think that is sooooo insensitive.
Message edited 9/3/2008 10:43:22 AM.
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:42 AM |
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Rycois
Blessed with 2blue/2pink
Member since 12/05 13341 total posts
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J
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
Posted by PrincessP
She did confront this person approx 15 minutes after they said it. SHe said she was trying to "figure" out what to say bc she didnt want this woman to walk away and say it again to another griever. This womans reaction was pretty much defending her postion rather then just saying I appologize if I hurt you.
That's wrong. No matter what, I believe if someone approaches you and says you've hurt them, even if you don't agree, you should just apologize for that - "I'm sorry what I said hurt you".
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:46 AM |
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patti08
Happy
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Patti
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
I don't think the person was intentionally being insensitive, they probably meant to say something supportive. I think it was almost supposed to be a compliment, as in, you are a stronger, better person than I am, but clearly didn't come out that way, nor was that what the mother wanted or needed to hear.
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:49 AM |
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pmpkn087
Life is good...
Member since 9/05 18504 total posts
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Stephanie
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
wow...I've said something similar. Maybe like "I can't even imagine what you are going through" or something. I wouldn't even think that I would be offending someone. But as I think about it...I could see. The mom was probably like "well, I didn't choose to walk int hese shoes either." or something like that. I don't think the mom was being overly sensitive, I just think that she didn't want to hear stuff like that. and, until one of us have been through it, we don't know what to say.
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| Posted 9/3/08 10:51 AM |
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Ang-Rich
Beyond Compare
Member since 5/05 17988 total posts
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
Taking this off the board and to FM
Message edited 9/3/2008 11:14:09 AM.
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| Posted 9/3/08 11:02 AM |
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ABCiverson
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Member since 1/06 7465 total posts
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Amanda
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
I too hate those comments. I get this one A LOT!!! "I couldn't live if I lost my child, you are so strong". It makes me feel like a terrible person that I went on with my life and that I am actually happy
I know that people mean well but they just don't think what they say all the way through.
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| Posted 9/3/08 11:12 AM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
Posted by pmpkn087
wow...I've said something similar. Maybe like "I can't even imagine what you are going through" or something. I wouldn't even think that I would be offending someone. But as I think about it...I could see. The mom was probably like "well, I didn't choose to walk int hese shoes either." or something like that. I don't think the mom was being overly sensitive, I just think that she didn't want to hear stuff like that. and, until one of us have been through it, we don't know what to say.
Oh...thank you for wording it that way. Thats exactly what she said...she said "I didnt choose to walk in these shoes they were handed to me".
I am glad that you are reading this as well bc like I said I "could" have also made this mistake but now I wouldnt. I thought her words were honest and what I would "think" but like I said in a crisis situation I tend to listen regardless of what I am thinking. If asked my thoughts from the griever...it may have come out...but now...never....
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| Posted 9/3/08 11:13 AM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
Posted by ABCiverson
I too hate those comments. I get this one A LOT!!! "I couldn't live if I lost my child, you are so strong". It makes me feel like a terrible person that I went on with my life and that I am actually happy
I know that people mean well but they just don't think what they say all the way through.
Just curious...we also asked her...does anything anyone say help? She said No, not really...
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| Posted 9/3/08 11:15 AM |
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ABCiverson
<3 my family
Member since 1/06 7465 total posts
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Amanda
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
Posted by PrincessP
Posted by ABCiverson
I too hate those comments. I get this one A LOT!!! "I couldn't live if I lost my child, you are so strong". It makes me feel like a terrible person that I went on with my life and that I am actually happy
I know that people mean well but they just don't think what they say all the way through.
Just curious...we also asked her...does anything anyone say help? She said No, not really...
Nope. Nothing
I even hate the "I'm so sorry" comments. I know when its brought up people feel the need to say something to fill the awkwardness. But to most grieving parents it sounds like you pity them.
The only comments that don't make my stomach turn are the ones when people say something like "he will watch over his sisters" or "he was beautiful(if there happens to be a picture of him)". Its a tough situation.
I do believe a lot of grieving parents are too sensitive but its because we wear our hearts on our sleeve. We always carry around this open wound with us, so its very easy to offend.
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| Posted 9/3/08 11:20 AM |
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nrthshgrl
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Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: insensitive comment on beravement of a child
I think when someone is grieving everything is very raw & things could be taken out of context.
However it was inappropriate. "I couldn't walk in your shoes." is basically saying "I could not continue if it were me." Why anyone would say that to a grieving mother is beyond me.
Message edited 9/3/2008 11:34:43 AM.
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| Posted 9/3/08 11:31 AM |
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