Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

Since my last BFN, and my very good friend's last result (ectopic pregnancy after 3 rounds of IVF, with a 10 week m/c and this ectopic after 3 years of trying)...I've been grappling with the eventual end point. I've only been at this a year. I've had highs and lows, been near the breaking point with my DH, been forced back into therapy to deal with my feelings....at what point will you (and will I) say "that's enough"? How much more can I put my body through before I give up?

I know, in my heart of hearts, that I want more than anything to be someone's mother. If that means adopting then that's what we'll do. But I'm struggling hard core with when will I stop trying with myself. I never in a million years thought I would be stabbing myself with needles in my belly every night to try to have a baby....but now its second nature. It's like every step just comes and it doesn't seem so weird or foreign anymore...we've saved $11k to do IVF - that is one fresh and one frozen cycle. Before starting I can say that if those don't work I am done...but how can I really say that, considering with every step I am getting farther from where I ever thought I would go? Will I keep trying and spending $$$ 5 years from now? At what point will I (or you guys) say ok, I'm done, I'm ready to adopt or call it quits?

Ok discuss LOL...

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

Great question....

I did IUI's for over a year with RSNY, then decided to find another RE...I spent six months looking for someone I liked...when I finally settled and started cycling with them I wasn't sure how long it was going to go on. Obviously, I was hoping to get PG right away.
Then I ended up in the hospital after my first IVF cycle due to OHSS, thought I wouldn't stimulate again and just rely on FET's. Of course, when the frosties ran out and I had another consult with my Dr. We went over my concerns and the final decision was to do another cycle and transfer whatever frosties I got, but I would be done by the end of 2007 no matter what. I decided to try again with a different stim cycle...worked out fine and I got PG on the first FET.
Now, I've lost my baby and I'm not really sure what to do. I'm afraid to get PG again, yet I really want a baby....or do I just learn to be happy with the life I have and move on? I still haven't made that decision and don't think I'll be able to for at least a couple months....but it's hard because now that I know I can get PG it makes me want to try again. My age is a factor also, we dodged a lot of bullets with the first PG (I am 42), I'm not sure we would be so lucky the second time around.

So, the answer to your question is I'm not sure. I think it comes to a point when you know it's just time to stop. I had no questions in my mind that I was done if I hadn't gotten PG last year. Now, I'm on the fence again.

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

This is something I have been struggling with these past few months

After over 6years of this I wish I had answers

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

Wow- this is a loaded question to wake up to! I've often thought about this... and depending on what time of the day you ask me, and what mood I'm in, more than once you'll hear me say "I'M DONE!!!" - but I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not.
I think a lot of things will play factors for me. I always thought I'd have kids at 24- Dh and I had been together since I was 17 and I always thought we'd start our family early. My mom had my brother at 22 (she got married at 21) and I always liked the thought of having kids early... just goes to show you how plans never work--- but it just means that God has a different plan for us, maybe becoming parents later than we'd hoped for/expected.
I think that we would have to try EVERYTHING several times, exhaust ALL of our funds, see what all of these cycles, meds, etc... are doing to my body, if they'd taken too much of a toll, etc... as well as how my relationship was w/ DH. If the pain and suffering of all of this was affecting us, then at that point, and probably only at that point, would I move on- and then I would start looking into adoption. It would have to be the point where the negative feelings around IF were stronger than the positive feelings of having a child- where the bad outweighed the good.
I hope that makes sense...

Message edited 4/13/2008 9:14:28 AM.

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

I have reached the end of my rope a few times already and I am in the midst of my 5th IUI cycle. Clomid made me insane and I knew after 2 rounds I could never do it again. Follistim makes my ovaries ache, gives me horrible acne, and gave me cysts last cycle. I definitely think there is an end but everyone gets there at their own pace. For me, I know that if this cycle doesn't work, I will probably take a break for a while. I would consider IVF but not sure when. There is only so much I am willing to subject my body and mind to. With that said, I have already gone further with treatments than I ever thought I would.

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

I was out with a good friend last night and she asked me how many times I would do IVF (I just finished my first - failed - IVF cycle). And I told her I didn't have a set # or time frame. For me, going through the IVF cycle was not as big a deal as I thought it was going to be so doing it again and possibly again at this point doesn't bother me.

That said, I think at some point I'll just know I've done enough and it's not meant to happen. And I believe my Dr. will be a big part in determining how many more cycles I will do. In reviewing my failed cycle he was very optimistic with me trying again. He told me that he is very honest with his patients and he's had to have very hard conversations with some of them - telling them this is no longer a viable option.

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

I had 4 IUIs, 1 IVF that resulted in a singleton miscarriage, 1 IVF that resulted in the birth of twins. Prior to all of this we tried 5 years of charting, metformin, clomid, accupunture, diet changes, weight loss/gain, a slight mental break down and finally a change in job so that I could have insurance that would help us pay for the procedures.

If something had happened with the 2nd IVF, that would have been the end for me. I don't think I could go through that loss again. It is no joke how the meds screw with your system.

That being said, I beleive that you will do whatever is necessary to get what you want. That doesn't mean that you have to birth your own children, maybe you adopt, maybe some one else carries your baby for you, maybe you use an egg donor, maybe your life is just as it is supose to be. I don't know!


Good luck on your IF journey!

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

1 year ago, 6 months after starting to TTC I told my husband that if we didn't get pg naturally, we needed to have a long talk about what to do because I could not bring myself to do IUI. After the first IUI 6 months later, I then told him if these next 5 IUI's didn't work, we needed to have a long talk because I knew I was not emotionally stable enough to handle everything that goes along with IVF. The doctor appointments, the needles, the retrieval, the transfer, the emotional aspect of what if it doesn't take, and of course the devestation of what just happened with my miscarriage. I said I was not strong enough to go through that. Well, here we are, one IVF down and gearing up for the next one. My mother asked me last week when enough will be enough, and when we will consider other options (adoption, as doner egg or surrogate is not an option for me). My response was... "when the doctor tells me there is absolutley no chance I will ever be able to carry a pregnancy" I look back what where I was even only 6 months ago to where I am now, and I realize, at this point, giving up is not an option for me.

Message edited 4/14/2008 1:48:46 PM.

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

I flip flop constantly about when it's enough.
Every month I think, one more time and that's it and the same thing happens every month.
Really, I believe we will stop trying when my insurance stops paying (after 3 IVF cycles).
We have tossed around adoption but haven't really researched or done anything about it.
We've kind of joked that if we don't have a child after all this we are going to spend a summer traveling around the world and then re-evaluate adoption.
I hope we don't have to do that though...

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

I think about this all the time and wonder how many times we will try. We just finished our second IUI and I'm feeling very positive about it. But if I'm wrong, how many more times will we try? I think we will do as many more IUI's as our Dr. thinks is ok and then stop. Financially, we have no choice as we are not capable of paying for IVF. It will be a very difficult decision to make but knowing DH and I will get each other though it helps alot.

Hoping all of our dreams come true!!

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

I grapple with this question on a regular basis.

I've done, oh, I don't know...I guess 8 IUI cycles and 2 IVF cycles. I've gotten pregnant 4 times in 10 cycles of doing this...what does that say? I don't know...but all I know is I'm having chemicals and miscarriages. That's the only thing that's actually keeping me going, is that little line that shows up every now and again on the FRER. But I've had 2 failed IUIs in a row. And I got 5 huge cysts after my last cycle. Is someone trying to tell me something? Is it time to throw in the towel?

I just can't imagine that the plan for me is not to have a child. I can't even fathom it. But I guess its possible. Am I ready to throw in the towel? I'm not sure. Have I been in the past? Most definitely. I realized the other day that most of my nearly 5 year marriage I've been TTC. I started TTC in June 2004. I got pregnant with my son in November 2004. Funny, no real problems there. But I lost him at 36 weeks. Started TTC again in October 2005. Haven't stopped since. That's more than 2.5 years of this. I've been in the care of an RE for approximately a year and a half. Its sad that the nurses and receptionists know my voice when I call. They shouldn't have gotten to know me. I should have been in and out of there in a few months. But of course, that's not the case.

I'm on a break this month...a forced break...but its forcing me to consider my options and weigh out whether or not I can continue on this path.

Good luck to us all...

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

When I had the cyst at my last visit, it was the first time I thought maybe I should give up. But it was a fleeting thought for me, and I am no where near the end of the journey.
For me I will keep trying until I am told it is impossible for me to have a baby of my own, or until the insurance money runs out, because I don't think we could afford these treatments out of pocket. But hopefully it won't come to that.

Message edited 4/14/2008 9:51:23 AM.

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

I was going back and forth for the longest time, and to tell you the truth every so often I wonder. But, I made that decision to stop. Enough of the IUI's the running around, the stress, etc. I really want to be a mom, but maybe that's not whats in store for me, so for now I am just taking one day at a time, enjoying my life, my dh and my niece and nephew.

It wasn't an easy decision but it was a personal one and you have to make it, nobody else.

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

My prayers are with each and every one of you ladies. It is truly heartbreaking what you have all experienced and I wish there was something I could do to just make your dreams become reality

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

I never thought that I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant. It was more my DH who would say to me "what happens if we can't have kids? what does that mean for me and you?" I would get upset and not want to think about it, but he was just worried about me and I guess wanted me to know it would be ok, and there are other options out there. If my IVF cycle failed I would be devastated but I wasn't ready to give up. B4 doing the ivf cycle I had 3 weeks of just bcp and that really helped a lot and felt like a break. I feel for you and I hope that you find a answer soon!

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

What a great question! It took me a long time to finally reach the point and say I'm done. We tried with charting and opk's for almost a year, followed by a year of clomid and IUI's plus one round of injectibles. During this time I suffered through 4 miscarriages. We were ready to start IVF but my doctor doesn't feel that my chances are good since they can't find the reason that I can't hold a pregnancy ( I thank god for my 5 year old everyday, she is a miracle) First I had low progesterone, than a clotting disorder, all of which are under control, but still.. loss after loss. I was so depressed and I felt that my marriage and my time with my daughter were being compromised. Life was revolving around treatments and blood tests..... Finally, I spoke with a friend about adoption, and I just felt at peace. I know this is the right decison for our family, and I hope to be adding a little one into our home soon! All the best as you follow your hearts.

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

I just want to send HUGS to you all. This is heartbreaking.
I think everyone's journey is different and only you know when enough is enough.
I do know a friend who told me that she was in her RE's office and out of nowhere thought "my baby girl is in China waiting for me". She said it was peaceful and the decision was almost made for her, as opposed to her making the decision. if that makes any sense...I had the same "moment", although very different than many of you, about my son being in Ethiopia. At that moment, I felt very clear and peaceful with it.
HUGS and love to you all.

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

Wow, I am humbled by the responses to this thread.

I posted originally in a moment where I felt I might not be able to continue. Finding out about my friend's ectopic, after seeing her struggle for years, made me feel like what if all this is for nothing? How far and how long am I willing to try to have a biological child? For my friend, they will do whatever it takes as long as it takes - adoption is not an option for them. For us, it is something we have discussed and considered as a "last resort." Being bogged down in the day to day of shots, doctor visits, etc...and BFN after BFN...it is so hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. I wonder how many years, how much of my life I will spend in this pursuit with it being all-encompassing and such a huge part of what I do every day.

I do know that while I may have bad days, I am not ready to give up yet. I have to say that you ladies are so inspiring and it absolutely breaks my heart that we have to go through this.

Re: Is there a point where you will say "I'm done"? - deep post

Posted by Carolyn



I do know that while I may have bad days, I am not ready to give up yet. I have to say that you ladies are so inspiring and it absolutely breaks my heart that we have to go through this.