Is this shyness or a social anxiety thing? LONG

This is going to be long & ramble I think, sorry!!

So, DD is super sociable to DH & I, and her 2 grandmothers. That's where it ends. She's never really been "shy", but I'd say more "reserved" around strangers or people she doesn't know well.

Lately I'm beginning to wonder if she's getting really shy or has a social anxiety. She LOVES older kids-- stalks older kids at the playground, but won't really interact with them (not that older kids really want to interact with her either, they're interested in older kids too-- ah, a vicious cycle ), but she'll stare at them, laugh at what they're doing, and she even has learned 1 little girl's name at the park by listening to the girl's father talking to her. Then she said to me "Hey, where'd Ava go?" when they left

Anyway-- if we go to my BIL/SIL's house, who we usually see at least once a week, she really does NOT interact with them at all. They'll talk to her, say hi, but she clings to DH or I and won't engage in a conversation with them...sometimes, with BIL in particular, she does the shy smile/eye roll while smiling thing she does, so she thinks she's being silly. She won't interact with their son, he's almost 1 so she has no interest in him b/c he's younger. She's the same way with other adults she knows but doesn't see very often, she really doesn't want to talk to them or have any of them talk to her. If it's a complete stranger, there's no WAY she'll talk to them. She will say "bye" to all of the above people when we/they leave b/c she knows it's the end of the conversation.

We just started gymnastics, a Mommy & Me program. There are a few other kids & moms in the class. She clings to me the entire time, not wanting to interact with the kids or the moms (and DH's cousin is the instructor, DD knows her but doesn't see her a ton). She won't let DH's cousin hold her hand to help her, etc...it has to be ME. I have to hold her and jump on the trampoline, I have to carry her, etc. She IS NOT very adventurous in other things either, like she won't just go run & try new things at the playground, etc...but I think the gymnastics thing is also the people she just doesn't want to talk to or for them to talk to her. The first week was horrible, the 2nd week she was a LITTLE better.

I really, really think her mentality is that unless she needs something from someone, she has no use for them, so she's not going to talk to them. Does that make sense? Neither DH or I are really shy people, so I'm not sure where she's getting this. She goes to MIL's 3 days a week and a friend's house 1 day a week (friend has a girl a few months older than DD, and they're very cute together). But besides for that, she's not "socialized" much. This is really our first structured class we're going to.

We had a GTG a few months ago with InShock & her DD, and the DID warm up to each other after a little while, but I was actually suprised DD did warm up to InShock's DD for these reasons.

I just don't know what to do. She's such a smart, fun girl with those she opens up to, but everyone else probably just thinks she's super-attached to me and needy, which she's really not.

Ugh, I don't know what to do to help her

ETA: I am very sorry this is so long and doesn't make much sense, I just am at such a loss.

Message edited 6/8/2009 12:29:58 PM.

Re: Is this shyness or a social anxiety thing? LONG

Emma is the same way, although she is getting better. She always has that serious face on and "BYE" is the favorite part of her conversation with someone. There are a select few she really interacts with and shows off her personality (my sister and BIL and a few of our friends). Sometimes she will completely surprise me and talk to a stranger in the store as we're crusiing by.

At gymnastics when we first started, she would NOT let the other people help her and she is slowly allowing that now, but still prefers me.

I really don't know how to "fix it" other than to just keep encouraging social interaction

Re: Is this shyness or a social anxiety thing? LONG

I think that it is probably just shyness. She needs to feel comfortable to really interact.

I know it was months ago, but when we saw you guys at Fun4All, she didn't seem anymore shy than any of the other kids, you know??

Maybe she is just a good judge of character

Re: Is this shyness or a social anxiety thing? LONG

Posted by KateDevine



I think that it is probably just shyness. She needs to feel comfortable to really interact.

I know it was months ago, but when we saw you guys at Fun4All, she didn't seem anymore shy than any of the other kids, you know??

Maybe she is just a good judge of character

Re: Is this shyness or a social anxiety thing? LONG

Posted by EmmaNick

Emma is the same way, although she is getting better. She always has that serious face on and "BYE" is the favorite part of her conversation with someone. There are a select few she really interacts with and shows off her personality (my sister and BIL and a few of our friends). Sometimes she will completely surprise me and talk to a stranger in the store as we're crusiing by.

At gymnastics when we first started, she would NOT let the other people help her and she is slowly allowing that now, but still prefers me.

I really don't know how to "fix it" other than to just keep encouraging social interaction

Re: Is this shyness or a social anxiety thing? LONG

I think it's just that she is shy - the whole communication thing is still very new at this age - and socializing the way we do is still far off. kwim?

If ever you feel that C needs to spend some time with new faces I would gladly offer up ours

Re: Is this shyness or a social anxiety thing? LONG

I think that they all go through phases. I have met C and I don't think she is shy with us at all - but again you said this just happened within the last six months so things could have changed obviously.

I do think that the best thing you can do for her is keep putting her in situations where she has to interact with other adults, and children also.

Jack is the same way with anyone younger than him - until they start walking he has the whole "I'm better than you" mentality! Babies are boring to them!

Re: Is this shyness or a social anxiety thing? LONG

My 2 1/2 year old is the SAME exact way. Everyone always says "does she talk this quietly at home too" and she's a loud mouth at home. She is only comfortable with a few select family members. I'm really worried for nursery school this fall!

My theory with my DD liking older kids is because she doesn't feel threatened by them, or intimidated - they won't take toys from her, she doesn't have to share with them, etc. where kids her age grab from each other, are rowdy and rambunctious, etc. I might be way off but that's how I've gaged her to be. She loves one of her 3 year old friends and actually interacts with him but he is very mellow like her and I think she's not intimidated. I never know how she'll act at a party...either doing her own thing making sure I'm in sight and if we are there for more than 4 hours she'll finally start to run with the other kids and laugh but never ever right away. She becomes introverted around strangers and people she's not around and won't even make eye contact with strangers! People always say "oh she looks tired" but I know that's her just not wanting to associate with them.

I'm hoping all the summer play dates/bbq's we have in our group of friends will get her to be more outgoing. We shall see!

EAT: every time you post pics of your DD I laugh to myself because she has the same "leave me alone i'm busy" face my DD always has on for pictures.

Message edited 6/8/2009 1:15:26 PM.

Re: Is this shyness or a social anxiety thing? LONG

It sounds like shyness to me. DS does the same thing--he'll stare at people, smile at them, and try to get eye contact going, then if they notice him, he buries his face in me and peeks out at them. He also takes awhile to warm up in his music class, though at some point, he does start having fun and leaves my side. I let him cling a bit for comfort until he gets used to the situation, then I encourage him to go off on his own a bit to get an instrument or bring one back and such. If we go regularly, he seems more comfortable with it. If we miss a session, it takes time for him to get comfortable again.

He also tends to hang around the fringes of a group, and I asked his doctor about this today. She didn't think it was anything to worry about since he does make eye contact, and he does socialize, she thinks he just needs time to warm up to people and situations and may be a little shy. She did say it's great to bring him to these classes though so he can get used to these settings before preschool.

I HAVE noticed that there are a few people he just doesn't like at all, for whatever reason. A couple were contractors we thought were trying to rip us off, so maybe he is a good judge for us!

Anyway, I wrote a ton about DS, but many of your concerns were mine as well, and just wanted to share what I was told.

Re: Is this shyness or a social anxiety thing? LONG

When we are in a group setting with people she doesn't know very well DD is the same way. She is normally so outgoing that I was caught off guard.

Just yesterday we were at a church picnic (very little house on the prairie, I know) and she buried her head in my lap for 10 minutes and wanted to be held for a while. Eventually she warmed up enough to roll a ball with someone but she never did chat anyone up.

DD is very socialized and she goes to day care so I don't know how to explain it other than to say it is just a stage