It has started already...how do you deal with ILs you have little tolerance for (unsolicited advice, etc)?

It has started already... giving unsolicited advice and I feel it should be nipped in the bud now. Can anyone relate?

Message edited 6/2/2012 1:01:24 AM.

Re: It has started already...how do you deal with ILs you have little tolerance for (unsolicited advice, etc)?

In fairness, whether something is said to your ILs or not, you will continue to get the unsolicited advice from them and everyone else- including check out girls and deli counter men. But it does die down. My MIL was constantly asking me if DS was eating enough because I BF. In their day they were told formula was best, so she didn't fully "get it." Of course, it was annoying at times and I would get frustrated with her. Sometimes DH would chime in, other times I would just tell her that this is my choice and DS is growing into the 80-90% so yes, I'm sure he's eating enough. You have to find a happy medium of telling them to shove it when neccesary, and just dealing. At the end of the day, they are still DHs parents and your DCs grandparents.

Re: It has started already...how do you deal with ILs you have little tolerance for (unsolicited advice, etc)?

I am so sorry you are getting so much thrown at you As much as your IL's mean well, you are 100% right, this is your child. I would try and have DH make both of your feelings well known but to be honest, even that might not get through to them. My MIL figured since I was a SAHM in the beginning, she could call whenever it was convenient for HER. It didn't matter if I had gone on 2 hours sleep the entire night - she would call at 7am to check on us. Finally one day my DH picked up the phone and I was yelling in the background about who on earth would call someone's house with a newborn so friggin early in the morning (I knew full well it was her but didn't care at that point). We started shutting our ringer off and let the phone calls go to our answering machine. MIL also asked every uncomfortable question that was none of her business and DH and I have both learned to become somewhat vague in our answers otherwise we will get lectures on our parenting skills. There was even a time while in a restaurant my MIL yelled at my DH for how he was taking care of his child. I was so upset for him for this that I very loudly but lovingly said to him "You are a wonderful father and your instincts are usually right. Don't you ever let ANYONE ever tell you what you are doing with YOUR child is wrong. Only I can do that "
I know she got the point with that remark but I save them up as hard as it is to do. I try to remember they love their grandchild and have the babies best interest at heart, but sometimes it is such a struggle to remember that.

I wouldn't say anything just yet until DH does first. It is a very touchy situation and these are his parents. Is he willing to say something to them?

Re: It has started already...how do you deal with ILs you have little tolerance for (unsolicited advice, etc)?

I agree with Nicole. In my experience, they won't do it as much as time goes on. I don't know you or them, obviously, but giving them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they're just super-excited about being new grandparents?

It IS really annoying. I choose to smile, nod and leave cursing them the whole way in the car. For as much as they can be irritating, they do love my girls, and hey...I don't want to alienate free babysitting!

Re: It has started already...how do you deal with ILs you have little tolerance for (unsolicited advice, etc)?

UGH! Is all I have to say!

I feel for you. Like Nicole, my IL's only knew of FF. I had so many issues with that. I had to print out stuff for them to read because they wanted to give DS water and actually threw out my milk once (it was freshly pumped). SO many things but I learned to pick my battles.

This stuff still goes on with but I try to let it roll off my back, this morning I was telling MIL how DS is sick and I was worried it was his teeth, she says "thats because you read those books too much". I will never win so I just have to shut up. (She thinks reading informational books are nonsense you should just ask another mother)

In the beginning it is hard because you want to learn and experience and make your own judgement calls w/o the hassle of opinions. It will get better but you have to stay strong and not let things bother you.

Re: It has started already...how do you deal with ILs you have little tolerance for (unsolicited advice, etc)?

I agree...it definitely slows down as DC gets older...hang in there...

I wouldn't be the one to say anything - definitely let DH do it...you don't want to put a strain on the relationship any more than you already feel right now...this too shall pass, and it will be easier without any awkwardness...

Although it is hard to see it now, I'm sure the questions and advice are all with good intentions...certainly not to question your abilities as a parent.

In the end, mother (and father) knows best, but not without a little unsolicited advice along the way. Try and take it with a grain of salt and know that you all have one thing in common...unconditional love for your little one!!

Re: It has started already...how do you deal with ILs you have little tolerance for (unsolicited advice, etc)?

Message edited 12/23/2008 10:37:38 AM.

Re: It has started already...how do you deal with ILs you have little tolerance for (unsolicited advice, etc)?

Posted by dooodles

I am so sorry you are getting so much thrown at you As much as your IL's mean well, you are 100% right, this is your child. I would try and have DH make both of your feelings well known but to be honest, even that might not get through to them. My MIL figured since I was a SAHM in the beginning, she could call whenever it was convenient for HER. It didn't matter if I had gone on 2 hours sleep the entire night - she would call at 7am to check on us. Finally one day my DH picked up the phone and I was yelling in the background about who on earth would call someone's house with a newborn so friggin early in the morning (I knew full well it was her but didn't care at that point). We started shutting our ringer off and let the phone calls go to our answering machine. MIL also asked every uncomfortable question that was none of her business and DH and I have both learned to become somewhat vague in our answers otherwise we will get lectures on our parenting skills. There was even a time while in a restaurant my MIL yelled at my DH for how he was taking care of his child. I was so upset for him for this that I very loudly but lovingly said to him "You are a wonderful father and your instincts are usually right. Don't you ever let ANYONE ever tell you what you are doing with YOUR child is wrong. Only I can do that "
I know she got the point with that remark but I save them up as hard as it is to do. I try to remember they love their grandchild and have the babies best interest at heart, but sometimes it is such a struggle to remember that.

I wouldn't say anything just yet until DH does first. It is a very touchy situation and these are his parents. Is he willing to say something to them?

Message edited 12/23/2008 10:44:17 AM.

Re: It has started already...how do you deal with ILs you have little tolerance for (unsolicited advice, etc)?

ugh, my IL's too. they always repeat themselves about how the baby is cold , baby is cold he is cold. No He is not he is sweating dammit!!! they always want him way over dressed. they keep saying to give DC water bc he doesn't poop everyday. it really bugs them that he doesn't poop everyday. it's the same things reapeated over and over again. it gets me so mad bc I am his mom, have been home w/ him for 3 months I know him better than anyone. when he cries, it's because he doesn't poop everyday. soooo annoying, I know exactly where you are coming from. DH is very passive with them and he doesn't really say anything bc he is not the one home w/ DC all the time. I feel like he needs to tell them to relax the baby is fine. It slows down , but will never stop. I try to ignore it now , but soon they will be watching DC so who knows what they will be doing w/ him during the day, grrrrr!


example: I was changing his clothes the other day, and my FIL was saying (the whole time I was changing him) hurry up , faster , faster I'm cold ,hurry up I'm cold. I wanted to tell him to STFU I don't like an audience and I can't stand comments!!! and he was making me nervous

obviously your thread has struck a nerve

Message edited 12/23/2008 10:48:46 AM.

Re: It has started already...how do you deal with ILs you have little tolerance for (unsolicited advice, etc)?

BTDT. I had every move questioned, and contradicted. Everything I did was not the "right" way....etc...

I basically put my foot down & told them, you raised your kids, let me raise mine. And when they gave me that, "well it is my grandchild" shyte, I told them right not your child. My child my rules. If I want help/advice I will ask for it. With the exception of a few minor slips, it has worked well. (well that and DH telling his parents that they will be on probation from seeing DS if they p!ss me off).

Re: It has started already...how do you deal with ILs you have little tolerance for (unsolicited advice, etc)?

I also feel for you in every way.
I am going through the SAME thing. My MIL is CRAZY
DH will say things to her to mind her own business and then take it personally and get all offended, and try and make it like it is our fault. I have learned to IGNORE their comments, because eometimes I feel it is not my place to say something, it is DH's mother. But like I said she has a great way of making you feel like CRAP for NOT listening to her.
Did I ever tell you that my inlaws were ready to sell theri house and move out of state and have nothing to do with us and the boys because we decided to put Christopher in a special school, all because we wanted to do what was best for our child. You raised your kid, now let me raise mine.

Re: It has started already...how do you deal with ILs you have little tolerance for (unsolicited advice, etc)?