Lashing out

How do you deal with/handle someone who says hurtful things as their way of lashing out?

DH is blaming me for his son rebellion. DH had custody of SS since the age of 8 and basically he had no responsibilities. I entered the pic when he was 15. I expected him to do well in school and clean his room and do his laundry and take out the trash. I never felt as if I had the authority to ask him of these things so I would ask DH to ask him to do it. Long story short…SS moved out when he turned 18 after an argument he had with DH about curfew (something I had nothing to do with). He has been gone now for 8 months and has limited contact with his dad. Whenever they did speak it was usually when SS needed something and then they would end up arguing b/c DH would make him feel like crap by insulting him and his mother. DH is big time disappointed in him b/c he isn’t going to college and isn’t working. He’s just partying, living with him mom and smoking pot and drinking. SS and I would chat weekly but, lately I don’t hear from him much b/c I took his dad’s side about showing us respect.

When DH and I fight he always brings up his son and how he no longer has a relationship with him because of me. When I ask him if he really feels that way he says no but, then brings it up again in another argument. If he truly felt this way, why wouldn’t he call his son and talk to him, ask him out to lunch or a movie or something? Instead whenever we need to ask him something or invite him somewhere, DH says you call him, you ask him.

Bottom line is….SS knew that I wasn’t happy with what was going on in the house. He also knows that everything I have done for him, I’ve done it out of love and concern. DH claims that he sees that too but, I can’t help but wonder if he really feels this way OR he is just saying it to hurt me b/c he is hurting himself. But, I’m tired of taking the blame for his strained relationship with his son. How do I handle it when he says those things to me? I just go from like 0-10 like that.

Message edited 3/12/2010 1:02:07 PM.

Re: Lashing out

I wish I had some advice for you. I too find myself in a similar situation with my DH. If I talk to him about how rude SD was to me he turns it on me and somehow blames me for it. It is almost as if he doesn't want to admit that he and his ex dropped the ball as parents and it is obvious now so it is easier for him to somehow accuse me of doing or saying something that would draw that response from her.

So, I am sorry I don't have any advice since I need some too, but many for you.

Re: Lashing out

I think when the going gets tough, it is just easier to blame someone else in general. DH has done that with me- and yes, sometimes I had nothing to do with the problem of the day with DSS, but I still got blamed somehow.

I know for me (DSS is younger) my reaction has been to pull back and not be as involved. A shame for sure, but being a scapegoat is not acceptable in any situation.

Re: Lashing out