Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

-For one, I am a private person.
-I don't like being "on display."
-I have cried at having a surprise party because that's my worst nightmare.
-My own family gets me, especially my mom.

Last time I was in the hospital having DS, I felt so much pressure. I was afraid people were going to show up, and I didn't want that. I can't labor if I know people are outside "waiting." I can't explain it. It's like performance pressure. It's like trying to go to the bathroom when someone is outside the door waiting for you to be done, so they can go in. I just can't.

I ended up with an emerg. c-section and then I found out MIL and crew were coming the next day.

I begged nurse to take out my pee tube and let me shower. You guys know c-sections. You're laying on a wee-wee pad for dogs and you're bleeding like a pig. I felt like sh!t and felt forced to entertain. It was mortifying. My BIL looked so uncomfy.

When I got home, hobbling around and trying to recover from c/s, MIL and Aunt-in-Laws were over and it was about an hour or so that passed where I had to take more medicine and rest. I was told, "Oh, don't act tired, because that means we have to leave." And then I got the pouty faces.

I felt so much pressure last time to do everything the way everyone ELSE wanted it, that I was completely miserable.

This time around, I'm not having any of it.

For those who are like me, or have been where I have been, how did you do it?

I *really* want NO ONE at the hospital this time except my DH and my mom...and want to just relax and bond with my baby and then when I'm up for it, then have people show up at the house. I don't get why everyone has to come "look" at the baby in the nursery. Why can't it just wait? The baby isn't going anywhere.

DH understands, b/c he knows how his family is...but of course I feel guilt sneaking in...but that's my nature, to please everyone but myself.

I know so many people love to have tons of family in the waiting room and delivery room, etc...and can't wait to see family right after, but I'm not like that. I like to process things slowly as they happen, and not get too overwhelmed.

Any BTDT experiences for people like me?

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

I'm not like you lol but I'd just tell people flat out that you didn't want visitors. I had an emergency c as well, so I was so out of it I had no idea what was going on and had no performance anxiety. I gave birth at 7 pm and didn't see anyone (other than my husband) till about 1 pm the next day.

I'll probably plan it the same way next time around. You need that time to recover and take care of yourself. See who you want to see, be selfish. Everyone will have to deal.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

As a visitor to people who have had babies, I certainly would not mind or be angry if the mother said no visitors; I would totally respect it, and honestly, it can sometimes be as uncomfy for me as it probably is for them...I wouldn't want someone to feel I intruded on them. Whatever they want, if they tell me, I'd respect and feel fine with

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

i am just like this. next time around, there will be no one. it was horrible for me too. but i have no problem telling people just that. that i dont want anyone there, as it will make me feel uncomfy. period.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

I am not like you either, but I understand fully where you are coming from. The only thing I see that is not fair is not allowing your DH's mother to visit. She is also a grandmother to your new child. JMHO

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

Wow, I got the same "performance anxiety" when I was in labor. My MIL came and tried to come in (while I was PUSHING) and the nurses wouldn't let her in, thank God. Then, I could not concentrate until DH told me she had gone home (he was LYING). I was literally in between pushes, worrying about who was in the waiting room!

But, I have no advice. I specifically told everyone that I wanted no one there, not even my MOTHER. My mother didn't get to see the baby until the next day b/c of it (she came and visiting hours were ended at the NICU) which I feel terrible about to this day.

My MIL even emailed me a few days before: "I know you don't want us at the hospital when you go into labor, so do you want us to wait until the next day to come up?" and I thought, wow what a great MIL!

Until I had my legs in stirrups and hear "Um, Matilde, honey, your husband's mother is here and wants to know if she can come in" Even the NURSE was mortified for me.

So, no advice, I said what I wanted and no one cared. I am still bitter.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

I totally get you. It was such a PITA in the hospital with visitors, especially those that overstayed their welcome. I had to nurse, do vitals, and like you said, you're bleeding and it's not the most attractive situation. Then I had visitors at home - all I wanted to do was sleep and recover from my section, and I had to entertain.

They say second babies don't get made as big of a deal of, and I think it's true b/c this time around, I had no visitors except my parents and IL's...it was heaven. I was also dreading visitors, but they didn't come, and it was a blessing in disguise.

I would flat out tell people they can come see the baby @ home, and not right away. Give it a week...this is what I did the second time around and it was so much more pleasant. I got to relax, recover and bond with the baby, and then show her off.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

I would tell everyone not to come. And if there's someone who doesn't listen... tell the nurses that you don't want any visitors - they'll keep people out for you.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

I could have written most of this myself. It got really bad. My husband promised me before I had the baby that he wouldn't let anyone visit anyone. When I had enough, he called everyone and told them they couldn't come back in. It was wonderful. I had a full day of no visitors.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

I say do it your way. I felt the exact same way...when I had DD, it was a cast of thousands at the house (to add to the cast of thousands knocking on your door at all hours of the day at night to begin with). I felt like crap and it was miserable.

This time, I told everyone that I didn't want visitors. I invited a few close friends, and it was really nice. No need to entertain anyone.

Yes, let everyone know ahead of time that you don't want visitors, and let the nurses know, too, because they'll make sure no one comes.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

I was OK with people visiting in the hospital AFTER the baby was born, the waiting room thing made me very anxious.

Our plan was to not tell anyone until after the baby arrived and we felt settled enough in the hospital room to have visitors. I ended up with an emergency C-section after my 40 week appt. We were sent to the hospital, but were told we would most likey be sent home, things changed in a matter of minutes. DS was born at 2PM in the afternoon and we called everyone around 4PM, and told them they could come around 7PM.

Once home, I only allowed one visitor at a time, I was very happy to have my Mom come over but I wasn't ready for the ILs for awhile. My ILs, thankfully, were very understanding and asked to be told when we felt up to visitors.

It sounds like your guests were pretty forceful and rude, if they won't listen to your requests I would have DH speak with them and tell them how things will go down. I am bad about being overly accommodating to others and putting myself last, but this is one time in your life when you should put all others aside and focus on your needs and the needs of your family

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

I'm with you and I don't think we're odd I did have a few visitors, but I had baby on Wednesday evening, and was in the hospital until Sunday so they were MINIMAL and spread out - 1 sister on Thursday, other sister and mom on Friday, and I think my brother on Saturday? They stayed less than 1 hour each and they brought me yummy food Some friends called DH to see how we were doing and whether I wanted some company or needed anything; he had standing orders to tell them I'm fine and I will call them once I got home.
So much depends on your relationship with the "visitors" kwim - I adore my in-laws and would've loved having them around at the hospital (they live in Europe) but if that weren't the case I'd have had no problem enforcing a "no visitors" policy.
Hopefullly your DH is on board and you can have the labor/birth/hospital experience you choose, and catch up with family once you're home and feeling better!

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

Oh wow, I feel so much relief!!

I feared posting this and getting flack - because I know a lot of people would view how I feel as weird, but I'm just shy.

I feel so much better now.

and tilde - OMG...I would have totally not been able to push if I knew someone was trying to come in.

Message edited 11/17/2010 9:20:39 PM.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

I am generally a pretty laid back person and I'm not a planner, so I really hadn't put too much though in to how the hospital experience would be. I guess I assumed that I would have visitors and I wouldn't care. Well, I was wrong. I wound up delivering DS after being awake for 40 hours. I was in baaaaaad pain for 12 hours abd my epi didn't work. After I finally pushed him out, I seriously just wanted to sleep. I was so exhausted and I knew that I was having visitors and it was just too much for me. I just wanted to have alone time with DS and DH and it didn't happen. Plus, I was trying to nursing and having difficulty so I kept having to kick people out of the room. Next time, I will request only immediate family for a few hours max.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

Yes, the nursing thing - I forgot to mention that! That was another biggie, too.

I had the baby sleep in our room.....I know the nurses tried to get me to give him up to the nursery so I could rest, but he spent so much time inside me, that the minute he was out, I wanted him next to me at all times.

So, he stayed in our room. Boobfeeding in front of people is fine by me, it doesn't bug me if people do it, but if my boobs are being feasted on by a tiny bald man, I want privacy. And it was hard last time.

.......thanks for mentioning that. I forgot that part!

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

I explicitaly told DH that I did not want ANY visitors the day of and the day after. That I "might" concider the second day. The day after DH saw me and understood. I had a really rough time in the hospital.

So I had a csection on Friday afternoon. I "agreed" to have some visitors on Sunday. Saturday was a MISERY for me and recovery.

Then I got tired and they were polite enough to leave me after 1.5-2 hours max.

I came home on Tuesday morning. My 1st visitor at home was the following Saturday. A friend by herself. DH was with me and helped me.

I was tired, sleep deprived and still healing from a tough recovery from a c-section.

I didn't care to offend anyone. I had a tough time, I was in a lot of pain, I was not sleeping and I had to force feed myself to be able to BF DS. Enough said!

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

Right there with you. My mom was in the waiting room. While I get that she needed to be there for herself, I didn't need the feeling that I had to hurry up or people were waiting for me.

For my second (which is generally a faster labor), I gave birth in the middle of the night - so one way to handle the hospital is to tell everyone AFTER you have the baby. That call at 2:30am telling grandparents you had the baby is a lot easier.

As for the visitors at home, I don't know how you can handle it unless you push it off on DH...unless you opt to go to Europe.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

It is strange. I had the plan of no visitors and DH told everyone. I went early, so no one was prepared. The closest family we have is in the Bronx, so they were all working when they got the news I was about to deliver. MIL, FIL and SIL came out the night I delivered to peer at DS through the NICU window. They were allowed one photo with him in the NICU. I fully envy that photo. I still hadn't even seen DS, other than the quick fleeting moment in the delivery room.

The next few days I spent ALONE in the hospital. DH was busy unpacking our new home because we moved in the night before I delivered. He was busy building the pack n play, the swing, finding diapers in giant baby size, etc. I kept running back and forth to the the NICU to nurse DS. I heard that food was delivered to my room 3 times per day. I never saw it.

I cried everytime I saw other rooms of doting moms/dads/family/friends with their newborns. I sat alone in my room, just waiting for the next call that my son needed to eat. I heard the laughter and saw all the flashes of family photos. I heard the whispers of others as they saw me trudge down the hall that I was the mom of the giant baby in NICU. I heard people ask where the father was. I was asked why I had no visitors.

My mother and father called me often and said they would not come and intrude. AFter a few days, we had a feeling that I was in big trouble physically. DS was sent home with daddy and I layed in a hospital bed with no baby, no visitors. My mom called to again let me know they had their luggage packed, but would not come to Long Island unless I said we needed them. My poor husband was home with a newborn, wondering if he would be widowed soon, trying to unpack a house and still move out of our apartment, all with no family out on Long Island. I told my parents to make the trip. My husband needed them.

My husband did all he could, but I was so alone in the hospital. I still will not visit anybody after giving birth, because I assume they have family around to annoy them.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

I had MAJOR issues with this! There are probably 4 posts I wrote just about this, lol.

My crazy Aunt (the last person I ever wanted to be there!!) is a reverend and has a clergy pass so she can "get in at any time" she told me this, and she is super pushy. I could go on for ever about it but I was kind of rude and blunt to everyone and only the immediate family was allowed (my mom dad bro sis) so I was ok. It was only after being VERY BLUNT, I said it to them and then wrote a follow up email, lol. I wanted NO visitors until 2 hours after DS was born. I wanted to just soak him in.

I just felt like this was my BABY being born, the most magical time of my life. I wanted desperately to bond with DS and DH as our new little family. My immediate family stayed for a bit and it was nice and then left but my DS was born at 10pm so people weren't going to come that late.

I did not tell anyone I was in labor or when I had DS (besides immediate family)

The next day on the other hand was pretty annoying. I didn't have a CS but I was still bleeding and very uncomfortable and nursing. I was in shock and adjusting, really the last thing I wanted to do was "entertain" people while they had their visit. 2 girls I was friends with noticed I wasn't answering their texts and called the hospital, showed up uninvited and burst into my room!!!!! OUT OF NOWHERE! The freakin nurses let them in. I asked if I could leave the hospital sooner than I was supposed to, I hated being there, lol.

Like I said I wanted to bond with my new family and I needed time to adjust. I still get kind of annoyed thinking about how things just didn't go the way I had hoped. My solution for next time is to not tell anyone I am in labor. And specify to nurses no visitors unless I ok it. I don't care, I am allowed to be selfish, its my baby.

Good luck! No matter what happens you will get through it.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

I am exactly like you. Everyone was told they would be TOLD when they could come visit. Including my parents. No one was there when DD was born but the 2 of us. No one was waiting. I didn't want anyone waiting. I wanted it to be a private moment for us only. They accepted it as they know how I am. And I too had a csection so I really wanted my space.

I would just put it out there that I didn't feel up to xyz and that was that. And if you look back my posts, prior to my delivery I made a thread about not wanting visitors!

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

When I had ds, we were oos. I had no visitors, only Beth (mrs.Rivera) and her dh and my brother. I was fine with that. They all waited until day two to come, saw the baby and left. Fine with me. IF we ever have another, I will be having a cs and telling only moms allowed the day of AFTER I have had time to rest. After them, I don't want anyone there. I'm a mess, tired and puffy. If you love me, you will wait until we are home to come and visit, AFTER you call first.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

When DS was born, my mom, dad and MIL came at some point while I was in labor and waited in the waiting room. the waiting room was quite a ways off from the delivery rooms, so that really didnt bother me. While was in labor (as i was induced and sat around all day) My parents came in to chat for a little while.

Those things didnt really bother me. What bothered me was AFTERWARDS and coming home. MIL stayed over (as we live in PA) and my parents went back to brooklyn that nite. the next day, ALL DAY, MIL was in the hospital room with me and DH. So now DH is worried about getting his mother dinner, getting her back to our house settled for the nite, etc. He didnt stay over with me at nite b/c he had to deal with her. I wont forget that either...

then later that nite, SIL and her fiance came from NY to visit. So now i had 3 people staying over my house for when I come home. I didnt want this at all, but no one listened to me. I got home saturday and yes they decorated the house and all, but jesus..I had to order food to feed everyone..my parents and brother were now there, so 6 people in my house to clean up after.

NEXT TIME, IT IS NOT HAPPENING AGAIN.

I agree with you. Dont feel guilty. Lay down the law and thats it. No visitors until after you are home and well enough if you have a csection again. DONE..end of story.

Re: Let's discuss labor, delivery, and VISITORS. Long, but maybe someone out there gets it.

Posted by speakthetruth

Posted by colette

I adore my in-laws ...... (they live in Europe)

I'd adore mine too, if they lived in Europe! this part made me giggle