Mommy Guilt - Daycare and Commuting related

I'm a first time FTWM with a 3 month old baby boy. I just went back to work at the end of last week. I live in Ronkonkoma but work in Queens. There's a daycare in my work building so I enrolled DS there because it's way less expensive than other daycares I looked at and I thought it would be better to have him close to me (plus I can drop in and visit whenever).

But now comes the mommy guilt. When I went to visit him today, he cried when he saw me and would scream whenever I put him down. He was screaming when I left but I had to go and pump and then get back to work . On top of that, I feel guilty that he's in the car so much. He's really good about it and sleeps in the car most of the time. But I worry that the traffic will be so much worse when the summer is over and I don't know how he'll handle it (or me for that matter).

I thought this would be what is best for him. He gets the experience of daycare but mommy is still close by. But now I'm wondering if I'm being selfish. Did I put him in this daycare because *I* would miss him if he was far away and not consider that maybe it would be easier for him if he was closer to home? But I don't know how I could handle being that far away from him.

Sorry this is so long, I just had to get it out. I guess I'm just looking for some support and make sure I'm doing the best I can for my baby. This working mom thing is rough, I miss him all the time!

Mommy Guilt - Daycare and Commuting related

I think you made the right decision by putting him in a daycare close to you. If he were at a place closer to home and you needed to get to him quickly you wouldn't be able to. This way, if there is ever a time you need to get to him you can easily be there within minutes. I would love it if my company had an in-house daycare.

As for the car, if he doesn't seem to mind it then I wouldn't worry about it. Don't feel guilty about him being in the car for too long. Think of it is as time you still get to spend with him and once he gets bigger and more interactive you can play games with him.

Re: Mommy Guilt - Daycare and Commuting related

I think you have a great setup there. Dont give up on it yet.

On the opposite side - they call you when he is sick, you are upstairs. not 1 hr away.
I commute from the city, when they call me I cant get to her in less than 40 minutes. When they are sick, its the LONGEST 40 minutes ever!

He is going to have a tough time with you coming in & then leaving him. My 18 month old would have a problem with that. You come in and then leave me. BUT I would think he would get used to that scenario. You come in once a day & visit then go back to work.

I WISH I had that setup.

being a FTWM really sucks some days

Re: Mommy Guilt - Daycare and Commuting related

Don't worry about the car time. When my sons were babies- they slept in the car all of the time. Once they got older and didn't snooze as much, they still enjoyed listening to music and looking out the window. Sitting in traffic doesn't bother them the way it bothers us!

My 4 year old and I have the cutest conversations in the car- about all sorts of things! My 3 year old just likes to sing

I agree that it is easier to have him close by. If you are running late- no need to stress about traffic and getting to him on time. Also, if he is ill- you can go and get him.

About visiting him- I have no personal experience. But a friend of mine said that her daycare actually asked her to hold off on visiting during the day, it upset her baby to see her and have her leave. I think when they get older it is less of an issue.

Also- they have no concept of time at this point. You can leave the room to take a shower and return a half hour later, or be at work for 8 hours, they don't know the difference.

GL and enjoy your new baby!!!

Re: Mommy Guilt - Daycare and Commuting related

It's natural to feel guilty, but don't let it overtake everything else. Give it some time.

I think you have a great set up and you can go and check on your son any time and not have to worry about rushing in the car to go get him and being there at the drop of a hat if you were needed. I wish I could DD with me to work.

As for the car ride - don't feel bad. At that age, they sleep through car rides and don't even remember them. At 22 months, I love the car rides with DD because it's alone time with her. She talks and we sing together, so it's an opportunity to bond and spend time.

Being a FTWM is hard and oftentimes we get pulled in many different directions and deal with a lot of guilt, but don't let it bring you down.

Re: Mommy Guilt - Daycare and Commuting related

Posted by sleepie76

I think you have a great setup there. Dont give up on it yet.

On the opposite side - they call you when he is sick, you are upstairs. not 1 hr away.
I commute from the city, when they call me I cant get to her in less than 40 minutes. When they are sick, its the LONGEST 40 minutes ever!

He is going to have a tough time with you coming in & then leaving him. My 18 month old would have a problem with that. You come in and then leave me. BUT I would think he would get used to that scenario. You come in once a day & visit then go back to work.

I WISH I had that setup.

being a FTWM really sucks some days

Re: Mommy Guilt - Daycare and Commuting related

Everyone said it but its SO much better that he is near you. . .if he were far away you would feel it in your bones I think. . .that is how I feel and DD is 10 minutes away LOL but I always remember that little earthquake we had. . .my first thought was DD, I couldn't BREATHE until I talked to DH and found out she didn't even wake up for it LOL it is so much better having him close by for your own sanity.

and the car ride is going to be a LOT of fun soon. . .when he gets older I will give you some of my Music Together CDs. . .you can sing songs, talk, practice counting, the ABCs - it won't be wasted time at all! When he goes to school I bet you will miss your special alone time with him!

No matter what, it will always suck LOL but as you get into the routine, it sucks less and eventually you will get used to it! and he is going to THRIVE in daycare!




ETA: this is only your first full week so give it time. . .if you see it isnt getting any better - maybe you can stop visiting (ugh i know, so hard!) or maybe do the sneaky visit and make sure he doesn't see you!

Message edited 7/17/2012 12:53:24 PM.

Mommy Guilt - Daycare and Commuting related

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. It really helped. I just went to see DS on my lunch break and it went MUCH better. No crying - smiled when he saw me and we played the whole time. I feel relieved. Just going to take this one day at a time.

Re: Mommy Guilt - Daycare and Commuting related

Awwwwwww Its so hard when they first start out in daycare no matter how old they are. But the fact that you were able to get him in a facility in a building where you work is phenominal! I wish I could have done that! Don't worry about the commute, as long as you're together that's all that matters. And the fact that you can see him during your lunchtime is just priceless. It'll get easier as time goes by and when he gets older you'll have your little commute routine. You'll be able to chat and just be together...that's priceless! Good luck and it'll get easier!

Re: Mommy Guilt - Daycare and Commuting related

My BFF has this situation and I'm so jealous. She bfs at lunch and it's just so easy if she needs to run down and give him something.

Re: Mommy Guilt - Daycare and Commuting related

Mommy guilt is from the devil. We all have it and it's just not fair.

I can promise you, the first time you have to take your DS home from daycare because he's sick, you'll be patting yourself on the back for your good decision to have him close by.

I'm an hour away from my kids day care and when I've gotten that call in the past, that hour ride home is TORTURE!!

I mean, going home in your car won't be a joyride, but at least knowing he's with you and not waiting for you will bring a little peace of mind.

Mommy Guilt - Daycare and Commuting related

It is so hard in the beginning no matter if your dc is near or far! I think you made a good decision. I work in the city and have both ds' near home because I take the train and its a heck of a lot cheaper but I wish I could have them closer.

Once you both get into a routine it will get easier, just give it some time.